» The ability to say "No"

© Christina Valko

Time to say "No"
(About psychological pressure and manipulation)

"Whenever I say yes, I see in advance
how much "no" will it cost me"
Stanislav Jerzy Lec

Probably every person at least once got into a situation where it was necessary to say “no”. But he didn’t dare, and as a result, he dragged along a train of dubious responsibility, uninteresting and unimportant things to him, dissatisfaction with himself, or just a vague feeling “something is wrong here.”

Life is full of situations like this.

• Beloved grandmother, persistently giving away her priceless 30-year-old carpet, earned with sweat and blood, to your new wonderful apartment;
• The boss, who again hung up an overtime unpaid task with a deadpan look and again it was on you;
• The friend for whom you became the last hope to borrow money / put in a good word to someone / drink because of his next breakup - for the third time in a year and “I knew you would not let you down”;
• The wife's aunt, who was sure that it was not at all difficult to go to feed her cat through half the city while she was resting on the sea;
• The seller from whom the last unnecessary thing was bought, because he was attentive, kind (and perfectly mastered the technique of sales);
• And so on.

Why is it so difficult to refuse other people, even knowing full well that you can’t get anything useful for yourself from this undertaking?

Agree or refuse - a double-edged sword. And if you still answer “no”, this also has different consequences. You can drop your "goodness" in the eyes of people. Get into open aggression or secret condemnation. Really upset someone. It is impossible to shift responsibility for your decisions and life to others (the positions “My parents chose the university for me, and now I work as an economist and are dissatisfied with life” or “I am so busy taking care of my family that I don’t have enough time for myself” will no longer work).

But still, human resources, material and mental, are limited. And our task is to distribute and increase them in the best way for development and happiness. It is important to remember that the more time and effort is spent on other people's desires, problems and tricks, the less time is left for one's own interests and affairs. The more self-sacrifice takes place for the sake of loved ones and takes on responsibilities, the more dependent they become on “the one who dedicated his life to them”, and he - on control over them. The less free will to say "yes" or "no" remains under the pressure of fear, shame, guilt, etc., the more aggression, tension and dissatisfaction with oneself accumulate inside. Undoubtedly, helping loved ones and being philanthropic is important and good. But not to your detriment. The ability to say a conscious “no” in a number of situations is an important skill.

In addition, dependability and indulgence of others have a bad effect on self-esteem and, paradoxically, on relationships with these people, because getting used to manipulating you, they increasingly see the “thing” and not the person, and begin to “ride” more and more often.

According to the concept of A. Maslow and E. Shostrom, in each person, in its ratio, there is a manipulative and actualized part of the personality. The manipulation part is aimed at using others, control, pressure for personal gain. Actualized is creative, spontaneous, perceives herself and others as individuals, respects the needs, values ​​and feelings of people. There is a variant of extreme manipulators, as well as people who have achieved good mental health - actualizers. But more often in some situations people can act as manipulators in relation to us, in others - we, or manipulations are mutual and not always conscious, so condemnation is not the best option for the psyche. At the same time, self-respecting, open behavior (including the right to refuse) is involuntarily able to actualize a communication partner who is inherently human and not indifferent to you. And to identify those who frankly use you and your resources only as a means, no matter how beautiful the motives sound from their lips.

"No, I don't mind, I just don't agree"
Maya Chetvertova

What is behind the fear of rejecting an interlocutor?

There may be several reasons. It is important to understand what drives you in a particular situation:

1. Healthy fear in front of physical / moral violence, humiliation, insults and other negative experiences, when a yielding strategy of behavior helps to alleviate the situation. Choosing between the option to agree to give the robber a wallet or to suffer physically, the right option, of course, is to take care of your life. When dealing with a boorish seller, a person in an inadequate state, an aggressive group, or being in a morally oppressed state, it is not at all necessary to defend one's rights at any cost (although with rudeness and rudeness, confident reciprocal aggression is more likely to take effect than goodwill). The situation should be determined by common sense. There are internal resources to resist psychological pressure - defend yourself, refuse, defend yourself, if they are not there - agree outwardly, step back, draw conclusions. And most importantly, don't judge yourself.

2. Fear of being rejected. It seems to a person that if he does not agree with the others, then he will be treated badly, will not be helped in Hard time, contacts are lost. This is especially acute with significant people because everyone wants to be accepted and loved by loved ones. Such fear "grows" from childhood, namely from the period when the child unconsciously decided that "I am loved only as long as I am good." And the most terrible myth for the self-worth of a person arose: “love must be earned.” That a human being is loved not for who he is, but for how convenient his behavior, his manifestations of "loving", otherwise (here fear arises) - "he will be punished and deprived of love."

Of course, this is not true - no one has yet achieved sincere love either. good character, no good looks, no bank account. You are either loved or not. And rather, it depends on the ability to love within the “loving” one and his choice of you, rather than trying to please at any cost. But this is a profitable myth both for a market economy, where a person is valuable to himself as a “commodity”, and for totalitarian regimes, where it’s not even about losing approval, but about losing your head.

A small child under four years old very clearly and confidently says “no” to everything that he does not want now, and it can be difficult for parents to cope. But if you punish him too severely, suppress manifestations of himself, endlessly fear for him and control him, he learns to treat himself and his desires in much the same way. Significant adults could not convey in the educational process that “Now I’m angry with you because you did badly and will be punished, but I still love you,” or even worse - they themselves were brought up on the myth “love must be earned.” Then the fear of rejection can be very strong in life. We get used to agree, to be good, or as an alternative - to constantly explode with aggression, protest, rejection of connections, which does not always go away with adolescence or develops into cynicism. Manipulations in the spirit of “If you don’t behave properly, then ... your mother will not love you / she will feel very bad / they will give you to another uncle” - games on children's feelings. They are harmful and lead to the fact that in adult life the abnormality of the consumer attitude towards oneself and others is poorly realized.

If you find yourself in such a fear, it is important to realize that no matter how people react to disagreeing to indulge them, those who care about you will not refuse you. Relatives will not stop loving, and with confident repeated behavior, they eventually recognize the right to be like that too. There will be respect in the relationship. Only "false" friends will move away. Relatives should be accepted as they are, without losing yourself for their benefit.

3. Fear of offending. A person can really be offended by a refusal, worry, can show a different reaction. You need to give him the right to do this and prepare in advance. You can express the refusal in a mild form. Those who were successfully pressured with the help of guilt, shame, duty are more afraid of offending. If a partner gets his way by “hooking” you emotionally, it’s worth figuring out whether the refusal will really entail serious consequences for the other side, important obligations may have been taken (refusal to pay child support is clearly not justified by the fact that “the ex-wife wants to manipulate me”), or over you just want to get power in the situation. “If you are like that, I will leave you”, “I put my whole life on you, and you are ungrateful”, “If you really love me, then ...”, etc. are provocative phrases. There may also be provocative silence.

There is a fear of offending. But those who scream their hurt feelings the loudest tend to care the least about strangers; and about what the accused of all “mortal sins” experiences in relation to relatives. Take care of yourself - don't give in.

4. Self-doubt. The reasons closely echo the fear of being rejected and offended. Excessively self-confident, impudent behavior, by the way, is the "reverse side" of uncertainty. Healthy confidence has reasonable limits. Insecure people may be afraid to run into ill will, rudeness, aggression if they say “no”. They rarely allow themselves to be assertive, angry, and if they are angry, then to the point of rage. But they are often annoyed in comfortable conditions, for example, at home, over trifles (soap wet in a soap dish and hysteria about this is it).

The aggressive charge does not go anywhere, therefore, if it is not shown to the real addressee, constructively and on time, it accumulates inside until it becomes impossible to control it. Then he pours out on relatives, rudeness in public places, humiliation of the weak. Or undermines health, turning into psychosomatic illnesses. There is such a thing - auto-aggression. This is aggression accumulated and directed against oneself. It manifests itself in a craving for self-destruction, masochism, alcoholism, depression ... Taking a passive, infantile, unfailing position, you can harm your health. Aggressive feelings are not initially bad, they activate the body to fight, to protect itself. Having forbidden yourself anger as “bad,” you begin to be afraid of refusing, because you remain defenseless internally and cannot stand up for yourself. Therefore, it is useful to communicate your true feelings (of course, without losing your head and insults), since a person does not always understand what exactly offends another.

Life throws up many reasons for stress. If it is not possible to express such feelings directly (as with the authorities), you can find an outlet for tension in creativity and sports.

If you are still afraid to refuse, fearing rudeness, "moral harassment" and so on, then at least admitting to yourself a feeling of anger at this state of affairs and tearing a couple of sheets of paper to shreds is already a good step.

5. Stereotype about the "rules of decency"". When parents and close associates teach “good manners” and impeccable courtesy to strangers, these beliefs interfere with a firm “no” later. Self-esteem and confidence may be all right, but what works is believing that being reliable is the right thing to do. You have the right to revise your beliefs on your own, change the rules taken from childhood.

6. The need to be irreplaceable. The hidden benefit from the fact that you are considered very accommodating, they cannot do without you over time, they are accustomed to counting on you, no doubt there is. It can inflate self-esteem. Or reduce the fear of losing important contacts. Or give the opportunity to reproach "I do so much for you." Feel your influence and even power over the destinies of others (“They can’t do without me”, “Everything rests on me”). Is it worth it? Everyone decides for himself.

1. If you are not sure about your desire to do something, do not rush to agree. We are often rushed to answer, not allowing us to really understand our attitude and understand the issue. You can say "I need to think", "Now I can not answer you." Look at the reaction of the interlocutor. If he is nervous or, on the contrary, extremely self-confident and tries in every possible way to persuade him to make a decision immediately (“Promotion for this wonderful tour only today!”, “Either now or never!”) - be careful.

2. Before you say a firm "No" you need to feel the determination. Otherwise, the interlocutor will push harder. That is why it is desirable to gain time. But when you have already decided on the decision "Yes" or "No", cut off doubts and act. After all, you can hesitate for a long time. To make it easier, write down on paper the pros and cons of refusal and consent, and then choose a more attractive option. If they are approximately equal, there is no reason to worry “whether I did the right thing”.

3. When it is difficult to say “No” directly, you can resort to the phrases “Unfortunately, I am not able to help you”, “Maybe another time”, “Thanks for asking, but I can’t”. You can mitigate the refusal with a compliment (“You are charming today!”, “You are so competent”), ask the interlocutor about something pleasant (“How did you relax at sea?”). If he is disposed towards you, he will accept the refusal less painfully. It's good to end the conversation on a positive note.

4. To get away from the influence of a partner who is too oppressive, move away from him physically (go around the table, move to the window), use closed protective postures (crossed arms, legs) - they will reduce susceptibility; break his concentration on you with a sudden illogical question, an exclamation, switching your attention to the restaurant menu, a magazine, a window (your nails, after all). His attention will follow you, if only for a little while. You will have time to pack. An old psychological trick is to present the interlocutor in a funny perspective: without clothes, with a thin voice, etc.

5. Be prepared for the fact that in case of manipulation you will not be so easily retreated. Don't let yourself be drawn into emotional experiences. They can put pressure on pity (“You can’t bring a glass of water to a poor mother in old age!” When talking about completely different issues), on shame (“A normal person will not do this”, “What will people think”), on guilt (“Do you remember once…”), to pain (“Your dead father would not have allowed this!”), to fear (“You will dance with me!”), and so on. They like to use the words "always", "never", to generalize, to refer to extraneous opinions. Listen, without getting involved in disassembly and evidence of “whose truth is truer”, because this is what the manipulator needs. When his flow of words dries up, calmly repeat the refusal, briefly stating the reason. Everything can start over 3-4 times, repeat "No" and keep your composure.

It will be difficult at first. Then it is much easier, because this is a matter of experience.

Of course, there are important issues where your consent is a serious help for a person. And just to agree to do something good is very nice! This article is not at all a call for callousness and categoricalness! And for closing the road to impure intentions, manipulation and pressure.

6. Caustic remarks and insults - just a desire to recoup "at least that way" and a sure sign of your victory. What's left for the manipulator? To prick at least with the fact that “It’s impossible to agree with you”, “What’s the point of arguing”, “Yes, they told me what kind of person you are, but I didn’t believe it.” Treat it accordingly.

7. Finally, if you have time, I recommend that you read E. Shostrom's "Ten Psychological Human Rights". The information is available on the Internet and it greatly facilitates the understanding of one's own and others' free will. After all, as economic, political, social, there are psychological rights. But it is not in everyone's interest that we use them. Good luck!

© K. Valko, 2012
© Published with the kind permission of the author

Hello again, dear friend!

Whatever they say, our daily work is stressful in many ways. Competition, rush jobs, endless business plans and the desire of management to “motivate” employees in all available ways, rarely resembling heart-to-heart conversations. How to deal with psychological pressure at work?

In the previous article, we discussed what psychological wushu is and why it is important to master the techniques of psychological self-defense. Protection may be more active or passive, but one way or another it is necessary.

Some prefer to just remain silent. it possible options response to psychological pressure, but not the best. For:

• When they start to pressure or provoke us, a wave of emotions rises inside. If they cannot be curbed immediately and the emotion crosses a certain threshold, sometimes it results in angry tirades, and more often they cause numbness and lightness. shock. And a lot of stress, too.
• The image of a person who is not able to withstand pressure is not the best. All and sundry will put pressure on you, fearing nothing.

We know everything about you!

Most make round eyes with the words "What exactly?". At the same time, they begin to become noticeably nervous.

- Very well. So my story about myself will take less time than expected...”

Possible uses for this technique:

Unusual idea, it will be necessary to consider it ...

I'll think about how to take this into account in my work ...

I've thought about this before, but haven't come to a definitive conclusion yet...

External consent means that you agree with some part of what the partner says.

“Only a person like you can spend a lot of time talking with such partners!”

- Yes, potential partners are really so-so ...

You agreed. But only with part of the sentence. And you saved face, and the partner has no reason to escalate the confrontation.

Broken Record Technique

The broken record technique is based on the "three C's" or "German sergeant's principle".

1. First say exactly what you want to say
2. Then what exactly did you intend to say
3. Then say exactly what you said

Essentially a repetition of the same thought. On the fourth time, you will most likely be heard.

It is better to choose a phrase in advance. It should be capacious and it would be appropriate to repeat it several times.

For example:

Why did you hire an employee from my department to do this job without approval?

I had no other choice...

You put me in a stupid position!

I understand. But I was in a desperate situation...

Why do you think you have the right to do so?

I'm sorry, I had no other choice...

Stubborn Professor Technique

The meaning of this technique is to express doubts that doing the actions that the partner suggests does not violate your personal rights or beliefs.

Why are you picking on words every time?

Pedantry is an important part of my nature...

Options for using technology:

This is one of my beliefs...

If I do this, then I will cease to be myself ...

This is against my rules...

I have some prejudices, but they also help me find the best solutions...

All four of the techniques we discussed, three today and one in the previous article, are counteraction techniques, not confrontation techniques. They allow you to stop the emerging conflict in the bud, to transfer negative energy in a different direction. At the same time, "save face", save nerves and relationships with a partner.

Have a nice day!

Telephone consultation 8 800 505-91-11

The call is free

Moral pressure

A former young man is exerting moral and psychological pressure to be with him! He provokes and collects information about me, prints out my angry messages about his endless persecution, distorts information, threatens that he will go to his parents and tell everything that I allegedly do not good man. The fact is that last year he threatened to kill me, I wrote a statement and filed a case, his father and he, with tears in their eyes, begged to be suspended, I felt sorry, I did it, but the situation repeats itself a few months later, now he provokes me and says that he will sue me, tell his parents something there, I won’t be able to build relationships with anyone and it’s better for me to leave my city altogether! Can I write a moral pressure statement and ask for the case to be reopened?

Good afternoon, if there is evidence (witnesses, written threats (this includes not only threats to life, but also a threat to discredit your honor and dignity)) you can apply and open a new office.

You can’t run away from problems (why should you endure inconvenience and he will dictate his terms), this person had a chance (the termination of a criminal case), he did not use it, unequivocally seek to initiate a criminal case.

My brother-in-law, through threats and moral pressure, was forced to take a large amount on credit and hand over a bank card to extortionists. Subsequently, they also withdrawn this amount on the same day. Please tell me how to file a complaint with the police.

It is indicated: to whom, from whom, the essence of what happened, a specific request, a signature with a transcript and a date. Drawing up a document, taking into account the details, can be ordered to the selected lawyer of the site in personal correspondence (the prices for services from lawyers are different).

Anton, let him write as it was in the statement.

Hello! Your brother-in-law can submit an application to the duty department of the police department at the scene of the crime on his own behalf, briefly outlining the essence of the crime committed against him, with a request to bring the perpetrators to criminal liability. According to his statement, a check will be carried out, during which detailed explanations will be taken from him. If they refuse to accept the application, let them turn to the prosecutor's office. All the best.

After the divorce, the husband exerts psychological pressure and morally oppresses .. constantly blackmails the child ... does not pay the debt .. writes statements, thereby tearing me away from work, bringing moral and material harm .. there are articles that could stop his actions.

Contact the Bailiffs about non-payment of alimony - ask them to take the measures established by law (ban on travel, restriction on driving licenses, criminal liability), to the guardianship and guardianship authority about its negative impact on the child.

Hello Julia! For alimony, all issues are resolved through the bailiff. For other matters, you can communicate with your ex-spouse through a representative.

Specifically, WHERE to complain about the illegal actions of MFI employees, rudeness, moral pressure?

Specifically complain to the FSSP.

Good afternoon! In this case, you should contact the service for the protection of the rights of consumers of financial services and minority shareholders of the Bank of Russia, this service considers complaints from consumers of financial services. Complaints can be filed online.

The employer is forcing me to quit, exerting moral pressure.

If he forces you to resign allegedly of your own free will (Article 80 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation), which you do not have, because If you yourself do not want to quit, then file a complaint with the State Labor Inspectorate. Also, a complaint will not interfere with the district prosecutor's office in accordance with Article 10 federal law dated January 17, 1992 N 2202-I "On the Prosecutor's Office Russian Federation": 1. In the bodies of the prosecutor's office, in accordance with their powers, applications, complaints and other appeals containing information about violations of laws are resolved. The decision taken by the prosecutor does not prevent a person from applying to the court for the protection of his rights. Decision on a complaint against a sentence, decision, the ruling and decision of the court may be appealed only to a higher prosecutor 2. Applications and complaints, other appeals received by the prosecution authorities are considered in the manner and within the time limits established by federal law 3. The response to the application, complaint and other appeal must be motivated If in the application or complaint was denied, the applicant must be explained the procedure for appealing decision, as well as the right to apply to the court, if such is provided by law. 4. The prosecutor, in accordance with the procedure established by law, takes measures to bring to justice those who have committed offenses. 5. It is prohibited to send a complaint to the body or official whose decisions or actions are being appealed. If you are fired, then you have the right to resolve the dispute in the manner prescribed by Articles 391-392 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation by filing a claim in district court to resolve the dispute in court. However, evidence will be needed. According to Part 1 of Article 56 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation, "each party must prove the circumstances to which it refers as the basis for its claims and objections, unless otherwise provided by federal law."

Julia, if you are under pressure, you can contact the prosecutor's office. Article 10. Consideration and Resolution of Applications, Complaints and Other Appeals in Prosecution Bodies 1. Statements, complaints and other appeals containing information about the violation of laws are resolved in the procuracy bodies in accordance with their powers. The decision taken by the prosecutor does not prevent a person from applying to the court for the protection of his rights. A decision on a complaint against a sentence, decision, ruling and ruling of a court may be appealed only to a higher prosecutor. 2. Applications and complaints, other appeals received by the prosecutor's office are considered in the manner and within the time limits established by federal legislation. 3. The response to the application, complaint and other appeal must be motivated. If the application or complaint is refused, the applicant must be explained the procedure for appealing the decision, as well as the right to apply to the court, if such is provided for by law. 4. The prosecutor, in accordance with the procedure established by law, takes measures to bring to justice those who have committed offenses. 5. It is prohibited to send a complaint to the body or official whose decisions or actions are being appealed.

Hello. I advise you to contact the prosecutor's office and the labor inspectorate with a complaint about the actions of the employer. The complaint is made in any form. State your arguments and requirements. Federal Law "On the Prosecutor's Office of the Russian Federation":

If you are under pressure and it is hard for you to resist, then it will be difficult for you to continue working. Therefore, I advise you to set conditions for the employer - to negotiate for yourself some kind of monetary compensation, receive them and quit by agreement of the parties, clause 1, part 1. Art. 77 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation.

Hello, as colleagues pointed out earlier, upon forcing you to dismiss, you should file a complaint with the prosecutor's office and the labor inspectorate. Prior to filing such an appeal, you will need to stock up on evidence, in particular, record a conversation with management in which threats will sound (it will need to be attached to the complaint), talk to witnesses so that they give explanations in your favor during the verification. This evidence and eyewitness testimony can also be useful in court when challenging the dismissal, if you are suddenly forced to quit of your own free will.

Hello. What advice do you have - if you don't want to quit, don't quit and don't create grounds for dismissing you under a negative article (don't be late, don't leave work early, don't delay the deadlines for work, etc.). I think it will be uncomfortable for you to work in such an environment, so look for another job, and offer the employer the condition of dismissal by agreement of the parties, with the payment of a severance pay (compensation) that suits you. The amount of compensation is negotiated and prescribed in the agreement. You can, of course, simply receive money and submit an application of your own free will, if this is possible in this organization and the amount of compensation suits you. How to proceed - you decide.

Hello, dear visitor of the site, you have absolutely nothing to complain about, and nothing to contact the prosecutor's office. Just do not apply, or vice versa, because in any case they will survive, ask to be fired by agreement of the parties, with severance pay. See "Labor Code of the Russian Federation" dated December 30, 2001 N 197-FZ (as amended on October 11, 2018, as amended on December 19, 2018) (as amended and supplemented, entered into force on January 1, 2019) . Termination of the employment contract by agreement of the parties The employment contract may be terminated at any time by agreement of the parties to the employment contract. Good luck and all the best, with respect lawyer Ligostaeva A.V.

File a complaint with the OSH in your area.

During the year, my husband put moral and psychological pressure on me so that my mother sold her apartment and helped us finish building the house.
My parents are afraid that my husband might do something to me in order to take possession of the inheritance and say that the best way out of the situation would be a divorce. Please tell me, is there any document that allows you to protect the inheritance in the event of the death of one of the spouses and which would allow you not to divorce your husband?

Good afternoon! You can write a will NOT in favor of your husband. If he is able to work, he will not have a mandatory share in the inheritance. "Civil Code of the Russian Federation (Part Three)" dated November 26, 2001 N 146-FZ Chapter 62. Inheritance by will.

Yana Vladimirovna, good afternoon. You can register your mother's ownership of a share in the house, proportionate to the part of the funds that she will contribute to the construction of your house. But in the event of her death, this share will be inherited by her heirs (if there is no will).

Moral pressure from the mother, she is 54 years old. I am 33 years old.
He considers me an "enemy of the people" goes to friends and acquaintances and slanders me, they tell me about it.
He calls names, humiliates, does not let him into his own apartment, we live together.
He puts pressure on my daughter of 9 years, does not allow her to call me, does not let me in.
The daughter said that her mother wants to change the lock, the other day she called her names and threatened that she would hand over to the children. house.
I have text messages with my mother.
I am morally exhausted, I am on sedatives, I suffer from insomnia.
What should I do?

Good afternoon. When it comes to relationships with the mother, it is difficult to advise something, even referring to the law. An application for libel, if you are the owner of an apartment, then an application for eviction, an exchange of living space. It is very difficult to advise anything without knowing all the circumstances of the case.

Hello Love. In this case, the law is powerless. Statements to the police on the fact of slander and insults will not bring results, and litigation for the exchange of living space will not add health to you. The best way is to move to another apartment.

I am a worker, I work with clients. The client is the boss and constantly puts moral pressure on me. That is, he provides my management with misinformation about the work I have done, and also slanders me, allegedly I am talking to him incorrectly. I cannot prove his false information and slander. How can I be, how to restore my honor and dignity in front of my leadership?

Record your conversation with him on a dictaphone and provide it to the management.

During the year, my husband put moral and psychological pressure on me so that my mother sold the apartment, to which he had nothing to do, in order to transfer funds for the completion of his house. At the court hearing during the divorce proceedings, as a confirmation of my words, I wanted to read out the SMS messages that my husband sent me, where he demanded to sell my mother's apartment, but the judge abruptly interrupted me, saying that this was not relevant to the case and did not accept this printout . And in general, during the trial, the judge constantly interrupted me and did not allow me to express my point of view.
Is the referee's actions correct in this situation?

Yana Vladimirovna, good afternoon! The judge's actions are illegal, but you should have proved your mother's investment in the house with documents, not correspondence. I advise you to seek the help of lawyers. All the best!

My question is: my husband began to exert strong moral and psychological pressure on me so that my mother would sell her apartment in order to transfer funds for the completion of his country house. Mom and I are against his idea.
Tell me, please, how can we protect our property from the illegal encroachment of her husband?
I would be grateful for the information.

Good afternoon! He doesn't have any rights to your mom's property. Even you have rights to your mother's property only in the order of inheritance. Best wishes to you!

Good afternoon! Your question is rather from the field of psychology. From a legal point of view, the husband has no rights to this apartment, and therefore cannot dispose of the sale. If there are direct threats to life and health, record them on a voice recorder and contact the police. But even in this case, he will not cease to be your husband. "Criminal Code of the Russian Federation" dated 13.06.1996 N 63-FZ.

If you are interested legal aspect problems, then "protecting" your mother's property is quite simple - do not agree to your husband's demand! He has no legal mechanisms to force your mother to sell her apartment. As for the moral and psychological pressure, everything is more complicated here. I suppose you yourself understand that in some "magical" way it is impossible to force a person who lives with you to talk about something with you, but not about something. However, the firm position of you and your mother should cool his ardor. If he is a sane person, of course.

If he threatens you, write a complaint to the police.

How can moral damage be proven? If physical suffering (pressure, pulse, nerves) is not officially recorded?

Only medical documents can prove it, a medical card, testimonies. Good luck and all the best.

Hello! You can always pay attention, in your statement (claim), to "unbearable mental suffering." For the correct preparation of the document, contact a lawyer or a lawyer on this site, in personal correspondence.

There is the concept of judicial discretion, based on this evidence can be the testimony of witnesses and documents indicating that you have previously encountered problems with high pressure. It is very difficult to implement your question in practice, but it is possible.

I did not take the money, but my former boss took a receipt from me under moral pressure. He filed a lawsuit against me. what should I do?

Be sure to file a response to the statement of claim, in which you must state your legal position regarding the claims.

My husband's cohabitant puts moral pressure on my son, born in 2003, and also calls and writes SMS to her daughter, born in 1995, demanding part of the property, even threatening that SHE will sue her daughter and me ... She behaves inappropriately, raises her voice when meeting with children in the presence of her husband, and he allows her. And she also came to our house several times, coming into contact with her son for the same purpose, for a child this is already a trauma, the father left the family for his mistress. The main thing is that the property with the notarized consent of the husband belongs to the children. Seeing her inadequacy, and unpredictability of actions, exerting moral pressure on children, I want to hold her accountable. Can you please tell me where to apply and how to apply?

Good day to you. Dear Lyudmila, in this case, with a big stretch, we can talk about extortion on the part of the cohabitant. Write a statement to the police about extortion, maybe that will calm her down.

If the child is 16.5 years old and he is under moral pressure from his parents. Does a child have the right to go live with grandparents and how to do it legally?

Hello. Has the right to. To do this, he needs, together with his grandparents, to apply to the guardianship authority and declare there the moral pressure of the parents.

"Civil Code of the Russian Federation (Part One)" dated November 30, 1994 N 51-FZ (as amended on May 23, 2018) Article 27. Emancipation of the position of the higher courts under Art. 27 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation >>> 1. A minor who has reached sixteen years of age may be declared fully capable if he works under an employment contract, including under a contract, or, with the consent of his parents, adoptive parents or guardian, is engaged in entrepreneurial activities. A minor is declared fully capable (emancipation) by decision of the guardianship and guardianship authority - [b]with the consent of both parents, adoptive parents or guardian, or in the absence of such consent - by a court decision. 2. Parents, adoptive parents and a guardian shall not be liable for the obligations of an emancipated minor, in particular for obligations arising as a result of causing harm to them. So the minor will have to go to court, find a job. Or wait 18 years. Moral pressure is not the reason. And yes, it's hard to prove.

Moral pressure from the director, what to do?

Hello! It depends on what the moral pressure is: insults, humiliation, etc.? You can sue him for moral damages - but this is a cardinal step. If you decide, then you need an evidence base (recordings on a dictaphone, correspondence ...) For help in drafting documents (claims, complaints, statements of claim, etc.) and for more detailed advice, you can contact the lawyer of your choice on the site. All the best!

What is the right way and where to apply for the moral pressure of a teacher on a child? What is the responsibility of the teacher for the experiences of the child.

Hello, you should write a complaint to the prosecutor's office in accordance with Art. 10 of the Law on the Prosecutor's Office of the Russian Federation or to the Department of Education, and before that it is advisable to take the child to a child psychologist and record the facts of depression, stress and tension.

What to do if the defendant's lawyer exerts moral pressure on the plaintiff?

Good afternoon! Are you talking about the civil process? Write a complaint to the bar association of your city. Do not forget that the complaint must be substantiated. Moral pressure? But how. It's worth pointing out.

How to deport a wife to her homeland for constant betrayal, moral pressure on our children while I work on a shift, she does not give them to me and I don’t see them at all, she provokes, hides, cheats on the child, hides, we came from Donetsk Ukraine to Usinsk, the Komi Republic, we apply for Citizenship and you can’t break the law, I’ll put this Armenian woman on the throne and we won’t get Citizenship, tell me what to do? And how to deport her to her homeland, let her mind be typed.

Hello, I don't think this will make it easier for you. Because the children will leave with their mother. Good luck and all the best, with respect lawyer Ligostaeva A.V.

expulsion foreign citizen for adultery by the legislation of the Russian Federation is not provided. In the above question, there are no grounds for deportation, family problems decide with a psychologist.

Where to turn if a person, under moral and physical pressure, was forced to sign a confession? In the crime of which he did not commit, just one acquaintance during interrogation mentioned his last name. The beatings on the body are not visible because they beat with folders of papers, pounded on the head with fists. The first suspect does not show up for interrogation, and now they are trying to hang everything on my friend. The detainee's mother has no money for a lawyer, so it will turn out that they will put an innocent person in jail.

If there is no money for a lawyer, then a lawyer will be provided to protect this person. This issue should be discussed with him.

Tatyana Good afternoon. Your friend needs to give truthful testimony, if he did not commit. Both at trial and at trial. The truth is easier to defend. The judges know how confessions are written. . You can always find a way out of any situation. Good luck and all the best in your business.

Good day to you. If there is no money for a lawyer, then a lawyer will be provided in accordance with Article 51 of the Code of Criminal Procedure of the Russian Federation. I wish you good luck with your issue and all the best.

Good day! Under the circumstances outlined, it is certainly necessary to file a written complaint with the prosecutor's office, describe all the circumstances about coercion to write a confession, all the best to you!

Do police officers have the right to use personal correspondence from social networks for moral pressure on a witness. They used my phone.

Good day Of course, it is impossible, especially since it does not have the right to put pressure on anyone. Good luck to you in resolving your issue.

No, they do not have such a right without appropriate authorization. And upon the fact of collecting data about the personal life of a person without his consent, you have the right to file an application for a crime under article 137 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation.

Good afternoon, dear visitor! Police officers do not have this right. File a complaint with the prosecutor's office Good luck, I wish you luck.

What do you call moral pressure on a witness? At the initiative of the investigator or at the request of the interrogated person, during the interrogation, photographing, audio recording, video recording, filming may be carried out, the materials of which are stored during the criminal case and sealed upon completion of the preliminary investigation.

I will be brief. Under moral pressure on me, they forced me to write a receipt. Although I don't owe this man anything. Please tell me what to do and where to turn? Thank you.

If this person goes to court and provides a receipt, you have the right to file a counterclaim for the lack of money of this receipt.

GOOD TIME OF THE DAY Apply to the police with a statement of extortion, pass a polygraph GOOD LUCK TO YOU, AND ALL THE GOOD

Good day Of course, in this case, you need to contact the police first to conduct an audit. You can also go to court and recognize penniless Good luck to you in resolving your issue.

Hello Alexey! For starters, you can contact the police, if necessary, you can also go to court. You can always find a way out of any situation. Good luck and all the best in your business.

Hello. To the police. If the fact of coercion is not proven, the second party, in turn, will be able to accuse you of a false denunciation in the future.

How to write a memo about moral pressure through a mobile phone?

Hello Ekaterina! There are no examples of such documents. A memo on moral pressure through a mobile phone can be drawn up in any form. State your arguments and requirements.

I serve in the National Guard, I am under moral pressure, in connection with leaving on maternity leave. Command wants me to resign from my position! Can I be transferred to an equivalent position without my consent?

No, the transfer is possible only with the written consent of the employee. And the presence of a child under the age of 3 imposes restrictions on dismissal on the employer.

No, they have no right to dismiss or transfer without your consent, all this is done only upon your written application ...

Anna Aleksandrovna! You have the opportunity to go on sick leave (due to the need to maintain pregnancy), a great option, and then you see, the leadership will fall behind .. with translation ..

Good afternoon! Without your consent, you are not entitled to be transferred to another position. This is a direct violation of the contract. You can safely complain to the labor inspectorate, or to the higher organization of your employer. If my answer somehow clarified the situation, then please, please leave a comment. Thank you!

Good day to you. Let them continue to exert moral pressure, especially since you do not appear at the service. If dismissed, appealed to the court. Good luck and all the best.

The question is, the former Civil partner took the child to him and by moral pressure convinced the child that the mother is bad, the son of adolescence and took it all. As a result, the cohabitant filed for alimony for the mother. The child was brainwashed so that he doesn’t even want to see his mother, who didn’t even touch him with her hand and never heard mats in her direction. As a result, the alimony turned out to be 10,000 a month, and my mother does not work. Is it possible to claim child support? And how to return a child back, if he walks like under hypnosis, even psychologists did not help, because his father is a psychologist himself.

Apply to the court to determine the place of residence of the child with you, you can challenge the alimony if the decision has not yet entered into force.

Good afternoon! You have the right to apply to the court to determine the child's place of residence with you if you have the appropriate conditions and means for its maintenance, and also fulfill parental responsibilities in good faith. If this is denied to you, you can determine the order of communication with the child in court. It will be easier for you to adjust alimony when you get a job - you will pay 25% of your salary, most likely it will come out less.

After the divorce, the ex-husband exerts moral pressure through SMS and phone calls, manipulates the children in order to influence me. How can you protect yourself and your children from this?

Good day. You just need to ignore and not respond to his provocations, if life and health are threatened, you need to write a statement to the police. Good luck to you. Anna Titova.

Contact law enforcement agencies with a relevant statement, involve the guardianship authorities, point out to them the circumstances that you state here.

Julia! You may well not keep in touch with your ex-husband if any threats come during telephone conversations m-write them down and file a police report.

Good afternoon! With what words and actions does a husband have a moral impact? Insults, humiliation, threats? To get started, contact the district police officer and the department of guardianship and guardianship and point out these actions on the part of the ex-husband.

My wife and I are divorcing. She exerts moral psychological pressure on me. Can I sue or write a complaint against her?

It is not clear what you mean by moral psychological pressure. You can file a divorce petition with the court.

The security officers threatened me with moral, psychological and physical pressure, as well as drugs during a search with the ponies, that they would not give life, etc. what should I do where Mr. Magnitogorsk will turn.

Good day! File a complaint with the investigative committee. The complaint is written in any form (in your own words), submitted by mail or handed in personally.

Have you ever quarreled with your loved one? Have you ever had to do something after such a quarrel that you later regretted? Do you know the situation when you thought about some idea for a long time, in order to then voice it, for example, to your boss at work, but after a conversation with him, you left the office squeezed like a lemon, and even with the need to lead a completely different project? Have you ever had to make unnecessary promises or make ridiculous commitments while communicating with someone?

If you answered yes to at least one of the proposed questions, then you have experienced from your own experience that this is psychological pressure. Unfortunately, communication with people around us, including even those closest to us, is not always free from manipulation and attempts to influence us. Knowing how to resist psychological pressure is not at all a whim and not pumping your skills, but a real life necessity.

Types of psychological pressure

Before we talk about what are the ways to protect against psychological attacks, it makes sense to briefly recall the most common forms of such attacks. Let's present them in ascending order of negative potential.

Rhetorical questions

One of the most common forms of psychological pressure is the task rhetorical questions. For example, you may be asked: “Well, why are you so worthless?”, “Do you even understand what you are doing?” or "Do you understand what you just did?" etc. Trying to answer such questions does not make much sense, as well as ignoring them, because by doing so you either admit that you are wrong (it is quite likely that this is not the case at all), or show disrespect to the interlocutor.

To fend off such a psychological attack, you can continue the question and give some kind of positive answer, for example: “Yes, I understand what I did, and I did it because ...” Thus, in a number of situations, you can solve the problem, even with the help of a lively , but quite a constructive argument. Despite this, if you do not know how to resist psychological pressure, most likely, you will only aggravate the situation.

Guilt

In any communicative situation, it is important to understand that everyone has their own truth, and the line between truth and lies can be fuzzy. The same events different people are often perceived differently. And on this "trick" many manipulators build their psychological attacks, putting pressure on the interlocutor. This is a very clever technique, and with people who do not have psychological defense techniques, it works flawlessly.

To counter this technique, it is helpful to start by playing along with the manipulator so that its pressure does not increase. Further, you should not take on any unnecessary obligations or promise something that you are not going to keep. There is also a more radical method - just answer the person with a refusal. Although these methods do not always work. Manipulators know this, and using guilt is one of the most powerful techniques in their arsenal.

Massive attack

This technique is typical for people who put psychological pressure on a person who has all the powers not to do what they want from him. Often found in business and at work. The technique consists in the fact that the addressee of the manipulation begins to be attacked from all sides by various methods by people interested in resolving the situation in their favor.

For example, if a representative of the “weak” side does not want to sign a contract during the negotiations, the “strong” side begins to put pressure on him. This can be expressed in endless calls, constant visits of representatives to the office of the victim of attacks, huge amounts of emails, etc. The bottom line is that a person cannot withstand such psychological pressure and simply gives up under the onslaught of an opponent.

And here are a few more methods of psychological pressure of this kind:

• a massive attack on the client is carried out;
• in organizations, a massive attack is made on managers (for example, to increase salaries) or ordinary employees (for example, to dismiss);
• in the activities of collection agencies, a massive attack on debtors is carried out, etc.

A skillful psychological attack can unsettle even a persistent and strong person, not to mention those who are not ready for such aggression against themselves. There are two best ways to protect yourself from it:

• the victim talks separately with each member of the "campaign" against himself and explains his position;
• the victim enters into negotiations with the main opponent and resolves all issues with him.

The adoption of such measures is quite effective, but still does not give an absolute guarantee of victory over the manipulator.

direct threat

This method of psychological pressure is not distinguished by the need for a special intelligence in the aggressor, but is very effective. When someone openly threatens the interests of a person, especially what is very important and valuable for him, it is extremely difficult for him to refuse. But even here there is one BUT: far from always a threatening person is able to realize his threats. However, the point is not even whether this will happen or not, but in the very impact on the psyche.

Often, direct threats should be considered as an indicator that they want to negotiate with you, and for a manipulator you are a fairly serious opponent. But even here it must be remembered that if a person were capable of some kind of decisive action, he would not threaten, but immediately began to act. So that good way behavior in the presence of a direct threat is following the initially chosen plan. (Here we recall that we are talking about communication situations that do not concern such things as a threat to health or life. In these cases, you need to use other methods, including methods).

These are the most common methods of psychological pressure. As you noticed, when describing them, we also indicated the most simple ways fight them. But not always and not all people can always be calm, control the course of communication and analyze what is happening. Often emotions take over, and then you have to forget about composure. It is precisely at such moments that it is necessary to apply methods of protection against psychological aggression.

Below we will introduce you to several such methods, so after reading the article, your defensive arsenal will be replenished with new types of “weapons”. However, before moving on to these methods, watch a short video.

5 Simple Tricks to Protect Against Psychological Pressure

The described techniques are very simple to use, and anyone can master them. By and large, many of us unconsciously already use them, but the maximum effect can still be obtained if two conditions are met: understand that you are using a specific technique, and understand what you are using it for. At first glance, these are small things, but in reality they are of great importance.

So, here are these five simple tricks:

1. To reduce psychological pressure in the process of communication, place objects between you and the interlocutor. These can be chairs, a table, some interior elements. Even small things, such as putting an ashtray on the table or holding a cup of coffee to your mouth, can reduce your susceptibility to the psychological onslaught of the interlocutor.
2. If you notice that someone is exerting psychological pressure, take it. Crossing your legs, crossing your arms, lowering your head and looking down from under your brows, you protect your vital organs and energy points. Such poses are not just called closed, because they really close a person for the perception of other people's signals.
3. In addition to real barriers between yourself and the interlocutor, you can create mental barriers. Choose what seems to you the most powerful protection: a wall of water, ice or fire, a glass jar or a cloud of gray smoke, a force field or even a spacesuit. Remember how in childhood, when playing, we said: "I'm in the house"? This is also not without reason, because thoughts have the ability to influence our perception.
4. When someone is pushing you at home or at work, divert their attention. To do this, you can choose anything that will not allow the interlocutor to concentrate. Take a glass of water in your hands and start watering the flowers, turn on the water, open a magazine on a page with a girl in a swimsuit ... You can do something that knocks down the interlocutor: if you are a man, cough, or hit your palm with your fist; if you are a woman, effectively cross your legs or bend down beautifully behind an allegedly fallen hairpin, etc. To reduce strength psychological impact partner, any distraction is effective. The main thing is that it looks natural, and also does not repeat too often.
5. If you have, defense against psychological attack can be turned into a fun game. To do this, mentally remove the interlocutor from the image in which he currently appears. Introduce an important and pompous interlocutor as a court jester; a scarecrow stuffed with hay; a naked baby doll that jumped out of the bath; clumsy penguin, etc. The most important thing is to choose an absolutely ridiculous image, thanks to which any psychological pressure will be minimized.

Agree that it will not be difficult to become skilled in these techniques? We think that you will cope with this task successfully. But do not rush to close the page and run towards the manipulators. Next, we will reveal a few more useful tricks.

Effective fight against psychological pressure: algorithm of actions

Anyone who has had to deal with psychological pressure at work, in the company of friends, relatives or not very familiar people, knows that as soon as you relax and get confused, you suddenly begin to behave like an unreasonable child. Someone immediately begins to defend himself, someone hides his head in the sand, and someone succumbs to the influence of the manipulator and does what he is told. What response to such stress will be adequate and optimal?

The very first thing you need to do (and learn how to do) is to calmly perceive the incoming flow of information, stop emotional perception and begin to study the situation. Ideally, this should be done in one step and take a meager amount of time. And things like:

• start breathing deeply and focus on breathing;
• start slowly counting to ten (can be done together with breathing);
• begin to carefully consider the interlocutor (here you need to pay attention to his appearance and behavior in order to find something that characterizes him as a person).

But psychologists advise a more interesting way: start to notice how the state of your partner changes in the process of communication. For example, catch where he is looking and how his eyes run; correlate his facial expressions and gestures with the content of the words. Some people look away when you start watching them closely, others become nervous, start fingering, fiddling with the tip of their jacket or clicking a pen, etc. By such manifestations, one can more or less accurately determine the true intentions and motives of the interlocutor, as well as understand what state he is in.

So: at the moment when you manage to become a "researcher", i.e. start to study the situation, you can begin to find out exactly what kind of influence the psychological aggressor is trying to have on you. And if you make sure that a person is exerting psychological pressure, do not hesitate and start defending yourself competently and professionally using the algorithm presented below.

Step 1 - ask questions

The purpose of asking questions is to gain time to think about the situation in general and your behavior in particular. You can directly ask your interlocutor if you can disagree with him in what he says to you. If he answers you yes, you can simply point it out and give him a negative answer to his request. If you feel that there is some kind of dependence in your relationship, find out what the consequences may be if you refuse.

The main condition is to clearly see the relationship between the words and actions of the interlocutor and your reactions. It often happens that the manipulator hides his manipulations, as a result of which he does not want to be exposed, so direct questions can make him retreat. This is especially true in situations where other people are present.

In the case when the relationship between your actions and the actions of your opponent is clearly visible from the very beginning, questions will help you get some time to think about your future behavior. Clarifying questions, such as:

• Why did you decide that I don't want to take responsibility?
• Why do you think I'm responsible for this?
• What exactly should I be responsible for?
• What makes you think I'm scared?
• What do you think I should be afraid of?
• Do you think that I have no right to refuse? Why?
• Are you sure what you're saying? Why?
• Why do you think so?

The main task when asking questions will be to find out the reasons why the interlocutor is in a winning position. Once you have time, move on to the next step.

Step 2 - Determine Your Opponent's Advantage

At the second stage, you need to understand how the aggressor exerts psychological pressure, how he plans to influence you. By understanding this, you will get a chance to organize a more powerful defense. Perhaps the opponent thinks he can influence you by raising his voice or shouting. In this case, you do not need to succumb to pressure. You just have to wait until the fuse of the aggressor weakens, and after that express your point of view.

It is possible that the manipulator will try to put pressure on you with the help of third parties present nearby. If so, then there is no need to lower your head. Pay attention to other people's reactions. You can even feel free to start looking at them. The mere fact that you are non-verbally addressing those present will make them give you some feedback. The unanimity of third parties is very rare, so one of them may take your point of view. Yes, and the banal silence of others can be used to your advantage.

Remember that you cannot be psychologically broken, so you need to object slowly and calmly. Any tricks of the aggressor can be questioned or weakened if you are careful. When, for example, the interlocutor refers to some kind of authority, you can indicate that this technique is not suitable for the current situation. And if, for example, the aggressor points to his experience or age, you need to find arguments based on your experience and age.

If you want to keep the prospect of cooperation, you do not need to discount the opponent's arguments. It is better to somehow limit their applicability, using objective considerations for this. Here a person says that you have been communicating for a long time and helped him before, and that now he is again waiting for help. Relationships should not be underestimated. It is much more effective to point out the real reasons why you cannot help at the moment.

When the aggressor uses rush communication against you (at an increased pace), you need to come up with a way to stop him. You can say that you need to urgently call, go to the bathroom, send an email, etc. Any adequate pretext will help you reduce the pressure of your opponent, take a break and, knowing what the interlocutor is counting on, putting pressure on you, find your own method of pressure.

Step 3 - Determine Your Benefits

What can you use to help yourself? There are many options: support from third parties, reference to past positive experience, own merits, functions performed, authority, etc. But it’s better not to use reciprocal pressure, especially if the relationship with the manipulator is important to you for some reason.

It is best to build your arguments so that both you and the aggressor clearly understand the connection between your judgments. And if you offer your own solution to the problem, it is more competent to make it so that it is a compromise, i.e. suited both you and your communication partner.

Remember that your responses should not be too assertive, and even if you manage to successfully parry attacks, you should not show your superiority. Your task is to balance the balance, and not aggravate the situation and provoke conflict. And after the psychological pressure on you weakens, you can show your business qualities by offering cooperation.

Step 4 - Propose a Collaboration

Negotiating with a psychological aggressor is the best solution negative situation, because in this way you, firstly, make sure that you have managed to successfully apply psychological defense techniques, and secondly, let your interlocutor understand that in the future attempts to put pressure on you will not lead to anything good.

Of course, you can “cut off the ends” and permanently end the relationship with the aggressor, but in cases with loved ones or those with whom you will be forced to communicate, this option will not work. Therefore, a focus on long-term cooperation is the best choice. The same applies to situations where, for some reason, you still have to make some concessions.

Achieving a compromise is also beneficial because you will have the opportunity to explain to your partner the incorrectness of his behavior. That is why it is recommended to refrain from accusations and even more so from threats. Having come to a mutually beneficial agreement, you will prevent psychological attacks in the future, because your partner will remember how the past situation ended. This allows you to set up psychological manipulators to build constructive relationships.

Thus, we have a clear algorithm of actions when someone exerts psychological pressure:

1. Use questions to get extra time to think about the situation and determine the advantages of the aggressor.
2. Determine the advantages of the aggressor, i.e. those methods of pressure that he uses or intends to use.
3. Determine your advantages, i.e. those methods of counteraction that will be appropriate and effective in a given situation.
4. Align the balance of power and offer cooperation, for example, to come to a solution that is beneficial for everyone.

We advise you to always adhere to the techniques proposed in the article and the algorithm for protecting against psychological pressure, because at home, at work or in the company of friends, in most cases it is necessary to maintain good relationships. At the same time, we are well aware that these methods are not suitable for every situation, so you need to master other techniques to resist manipulators.

You can get acquainted with some of them in our article "", and Igor Vagin - candidate will tell you about some of them in this short video medical sciences, an experienced psychotherapist, business coach and specialist in sales, negotiations and personnel management.

Everyone knows very well how bad it is to be the object of pressure from someone else. A little confused - and you begin to act like an automaton, performing one of the children's programs: to flee, to fight, etc. How to get out of the usual rut?

The first thing to do in preparation for the defense is to stop your impulsive reaction and begin research work.

This can be done in different ways. Sometimes they recommend: count to ten. It is possible, but it works poorly. They also advise: carefully consider the person with whom you communicate, find some details that characterize him. For example, the features of clothing, facial expressions, gestures, or, say, the features of his workplace. It helps better.

Even more effective is to start tracking all the changes in the partner's state that occur in the course of his actions. Try to catch your eye: where does it go? Match the content of the words with hand movements or facial expressions. For example, it may turn out that the interlocutor does not look into your eyes, but somewhere on top of you or to the side, or maybe down (is he uncomfortable for himself?). It happens that formidable words contrast with the fuss of hands: he pulls a button, thoughtlessly shifts something on the table, etc. All this information allows you to make assumptions about the state, motives, intentions of the partner.

Once you have managed to get yourself into the explorer state, you can begin to figure out what kind of pressure you are experiencing. If it is pressure or humiliation that is recognized fairly quickly, then you can immediately begin to defend against it.

Protection against psychological pressure

So, you are under pressure: you are experiencing a clear compulsion. For example:

• You are asked for something that you would really not like to do, but it is difficult to refuse, since you are dependent on the asker.
• You are offered to do something, you refuse, but they try to pressure you with something:
  • You don't want to take responsibility?
  • It looks like you are afraid.
  • I suspect that ... - some kind of insinuation follows.

It is not superfluous to recall that pressure can be exerted using rumors, petty quibbles, hidden threats, hints, etc.

1. Buy time by asking questions. Based on the above examples, in the first case it would be good to ask: "Can I disagree?" If the partner said that you are free to choose, then you can refer to this statement and refuse. If a suggestion has been made that you are addicted, try asking if there will be any repercussions from your refusal.

It is essential for you that the relationship between request and dependency be made clear and distinct. As a rule, the aggressor wants to avoid looking like an aggressor (especially in the presence of witnesses), and it may be that he prefers to refuse further pressure.

If this relationship was clearly indicated from the very beginning, then the point of the inquiries will mainly be to buy time to think through further tactics.

In the second case, the pressure from the interlocutor can be weakened by a series of clarifying questions:

• What led you to think that I refuse to take responsibility? What am I not responsible for? To whom will I answer? Responsibility must be balanced by the granting of power, how will it be expressed?
• Why do you think that I'm afraid? What could I be afraid of here? Do you find any other explanation for my refusal?
• What are your suspicions based on? Why did you make this assumption? How can you verify your information? Have you checked this information?

The main point of these questions is to find out exactly the reasons why your partner has a power advantage. That is, you should:

2. Determine the type of force that the partner uses. You really need to identify the source of his power over you. Then you can more accurately organize a rebuff.

Maybe he only counts on a shout - it will be wise not to give in, but to wait until his noisy supply runs out, when he starts to scroll the same tricks a second time. Then the third... Or, perhaps, the pressure is organized through those present: "Just look...", "Well, tell me...", "It's clear to everyone that...". Do not hesitate, carefully study the reactions of those to whom these phrases seem to be addressed. The mere fact that you are looking at these people compels them to give you some kind of signal. Very rarely is there complete unanimity of observers. It may turn out that there is someone who will come to your defense. And, at least, you can always turn the silence of those present to your advantage.

The main thing - do not let yourself break, object calmly and slowly. Look for an opportunity to question the identified type of power or weaken it in some other way.

For example, there is a reference to authority - we weaken either the authority or the scope of applicability of the judgment: they say, for this case it is not suitable, or it is only partially suitable. If your partner focuses on your age - find arguments in favor of your age as well.

Don't belittle his arguments per se (keep the perspective of cooperation), but limit their applicability to some objective considerations. For example, a partner is counting on a previous good relationship with you or past services. Without diminishing the importance of those, show how difficult it is for you to do what is expected of you. Explain in detail the essence of your problems, show why they outweigh the strength of previous services. Of course, all this must be true.

If a partner is trying to influence you through a high rate of communication (attack), come up with a reason to stop: say that you need to call, turn off the kettle, leave - everything that can serve as a convenient excuse and allow you to interrupt the onslaught. Then set a slower pace of conversation that is comfortable for you. And every time he starts to rush you, ask again about any detail, "study the problem." The reception, of course, is bureaucratic, but if the partner can use an "unclean" method, then it is not always "clean" to resist. But this must be done just enough to stop the partner. You should refuse the reception as soon as it begins to destroy your relationship.

3. Find a new kind of strength in which you are stronger. This could be: someone's support, past relationships, your role as a moneymaker or order organizer for the firm, etc.

For the sake of preserving the prospect of cooperation, it is better to avoid using retaliatory pressure in an explicit form. It is best if your arguments relate to any previous agreements. It’s good if you can turn the logic of the questions in such a way that circumstances or objective requirements suggest a different solution - great if it suits both parties (the strength of your ability to analyze the problem is added to the strength of objective circumstances).

Make sure not to get carried away in carrying out attacks on a partner, not to revel in your qualifications as a debater. After all, you just need to balance the balance of power. Once you have completed the task of neutralizing the pressure, look for an opportunity to agree on how the problem can be solved, what needs to be done to achieve this. You can then discuss how you will interact in similar situations in the future. That is:

4. Offer cooperation. Offer it by the very style of behavior, the nature of the agreements. The main protective effect will be that you have found ways to weaken (destroy) the pressure from the partner and oppose own strength. And there is also a promising result: you accustom your partner to the fact that it is useless to put pressure on you.

As part of the cooperation orientation, the struggle for future relationships is more important than for near gains (note that the struggle, but not with a partner, but for relationships). Therefore, even if you lose in this situation and you have to give in, it would be useful to somehow indicate the prospect of development. There is no point in blaming or trying to infringe on the offender, it is better to leave something (perhaps only as if) unfinished, unclear, in order to keep the opportunity to return to this problem. Yes, you submit, yield, but you do not agree with this outcome, and expect to change something else.

Avoid threats. The return to the problem is the analysis of it. It will not be difficult for your partner to admit the incorrectness of his behavior after he has achieved his goal. While he is "kind", utter this confession from him. Later, the mere reminder of this conversation will become an obstacle to the repetition of psychological abuse. And even if the partner manages to overcome such an obstacle, the next portion of your influence will be attached to the previous one. Gradually, you will "tune" your partner to a more peaceful way.

So, pressure protection is as follows:

• Start asking questions to gain time, control yourself, tune in to the organization of defense.
• Find out what kind of force (advantage, leverage) the partner uses.
• Find the kind of power you're strongest at and start using it.
• Catch the moment when the balance of power has leveled off: there is no one who is stronger.
• Go to cooperation: start solving problems together, agree on what to do next.

Discussion

A very useful article. These actions leave the possibility of further cooperation with the "offender", but do not get rid of them in the future :). Is there a way to get rid of such manipulations once and for all? How not to allow another to assert itself at my expense? :) Sincerely

04/30/2008 08:14:32, Yana

Comment on the article "Protection against psychological pressure"

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And write that before the official decision is made, you do not consider it possible to attend school because. the administration puts psychological pressure on the child, which does not give him the opportunity to study.

This is a simple method of psychological pressure (from weakness). It is dictated not by momentary resentment, but by the realization of your psychological incompatibility with your husband.

By the way, there is one psychological nuance: those people who are most afraid of everything ("victim syndrome") and do not have it are the best inoculation against aggressors. Aggression is a psychological defense against insecurity.