If he breaks up with you, it means he doesn’t like you that much. “I don’t want to be with you” means exactly that Everyone wants to be loved and desired – and especially you want the person who just left you to need you. I understand how nice it is to hear from a man

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Quite often we express our critical opinion about other people, and also receive a portion of criticism ourselves. A significant part of these remarks is said "behind the back", but the rest has to be faced face to face. The boundaries of criticism range from light "tingling" (critical remarks) to harsh criticism-orders. Are there people who like criticism? Probably not. However, some people know how to perceive it correctly, while others do not.

Criticism: good and different

Let's start with the fact that criticism is different - constructive and non-constructive. A very important skill in the life of any person is the ability to distinguish between these two types of criticism. The matter is complicated by the fact that criticism, in fact, can be not of two, but of four types:

• constructive both in form and content;
• constructive in content, but non-constructive in form;
• constructive in form, but non-constructive in content;
• unconstructive both in form and content.

Example: the wife-housewife did not have time to prepare dinner for the arrival of her husband and asked him to wait half an hour. The husband is very hungry, besides, he warned his wife about the time of his arrival in advance. How can his criticism sound?

"I'm upset that you didn't cook dinner, even though you knew in advance when I would come. I'm very hungry. I ask you to better timing next time." This criticism is constructive both in form and in content. The wife is likely to react calmly and consider criticism for the future. The evening will end in a warm atmosphere.

"I think you need to rethink your ability to plan your day. Until you can handle it." This criticism is polite and constructive, but only in form; its content is incorrect, because there is an incorrect generalization. Perhaps the wife’s whole day was well planned: she managed to take the child to school, go to the market for groceries, put things in order at home, pick up the child from school and take him to extra classes, bring him home, feed him. She'd had an objectively busy day, and her late dinner wasn't the result of bad planning. Most likely, a woman will react precisely to the form (aggression, uncertain excuses or offended silence). She will consider herself undeservedly offended. However, if the husband is used to criticizing in a constructive way, then perhaps the wife is also used to responding constructively. It is possible that the conflict will be resolved if the husband admits that he was wrong and reformulates the phrase.

"Why isn't dinner ready?! As always, there's nothing to eat! Why do I have to wait when I come home hungry after a day's work?!" This criticism is generally correct in content but incorrect in form. Most likely, the wife will justify herself, and if the flow of criticism does not stop, then either defensive aggression will “turn on”, or she will be offendedly silent, putting a plate of food in front of him in half an hour. Perhaps she will draw conclusions for herself for the future, because. there is a rational grain in criticism, but her mood will be spoiled. Despite the fact that the husband was right in the essence of the message, she will feel hurt. The evening (perhaps more than one) will be ruined. With the frequent repetition of such a situation, mutual understanding in the family is called into question.

"Clumsy! I got a bad mistress!" This phrase is unconstructive both in content and in form. Firstly, the husband does not condemn the act of his wife, but gives a negative assessment of her personality, and besides, in a rude way. Secondly, such "criticism" is not useful, it does not help to overcome shortcomings in a person's actions, but only causes a response surge of negativity. In general, this is the worst kind of criticism, literally "corroding", like rust, any relationship.

Thus, completely constructive criticism "works" best of all, i.e. true in content and expressed correctly and respectfully. Such criticism is necessary for each of us, as it reflects, as in a mirror, our shortcomings, shortcomings, mistakes. And precisely because she speaks correctly, we get a chance to correct these mistakes. Of course, such criticism can be unpleasant, but it is she who has the most chances to be heard and accepted.

Other types of criticism are mainly negative emotions, lead to defensive reactions or self-justification, or reflection of the "attack", or to silent self-criticism. This path can lead to the destruction of relations or to the forced preservation of a “good face in a bad game”, when the criticized is so strongly dependent on the critic that he cannot break off relations and decides to endure (“I live with him and suffer, but where will I go with two children?", "The boss is bad, but the salary is good"). This is the path of dissatisfaction, leading to depression and emotional outbursts.

Who criticizes us and why?

As we found out, criticism is often non-constructive, and therefore we are used to internally defending ourselves from it. What are the main motives of the critics?

They want to assert themselves by lowering us. There are people who tend to criticize anything and everything. Any action of others (whether it be a relative, girlfriend, colleague or unfamiliar person) they initially evaluate from the point of view of why it is erroneous. And often immediately give out this information to the addressee. These people seem to be confident know-it-alls, but in fact they have unstable low self-esteem. They support her by criticizing others. They found someone else's "mistake", and this creates the illusion that they themselves are smarter and more sinless. Their criticism is not constructive: often they immediately say that "something" is bad, but they cannot give clear explanations why this is so. The external goal may be good - to help a person understand his mistake, but in fact, the internal goal is much more important - raising self-esteem. Therefore, such people are almost impossible to please, no matter how much you act according to their advice.

We are envious. A popular reason for unconstructive criticism. What is envy? A person realizes that he lacks something (knowledge, qualities, achievements, material objects, etc.), and tries to devalue this fact for himself, disguisedly criticizing what he envy: "This dress suits you very much, it is beautiful hides the flaws of your figure! This criticism can also be hidden behind the mask of deanery, but only the critic himself needs it in order to feel the establishment of some balance: yes, let her have something that I don’t have, but I told her that!

They want to spoil the mood, because dislike. If relations with someone do not add up, if there is a constant background of discontent, then there is ground for constant pricks of criticism. This can happen between the daughter-in-law and, colleagues, "sworn" friends. A person who feels dislike for another will look for the smallest reason for criticism. Sometimes it will be veiled ("What delicious pancakes! It's okay that you spent half a bottle of oil"), sometimes direct ("What kind of hostess are you, even if you don't know how to wash the dishes!"). This criticism shows a general attitude towards a person, and no matter how much you listen to it, the critic will still find something to complain about.

They try to vent their negative emotions. Everyone knows about this method, and each of us is either a victim or a provocateur of this. If a person has trouble at work, then, most likely, his relatives will serve as a "lightning rod". Arriving home in a bad mood, he finds a couple of criticisms for others: a child watching a cartoon (“You don’t do anything useful, lazy!”), his wife (“You don’t know how to cook anything yourself, dumplings again!”) And other family members. This "criticism", unfortunately, is a well-established form of behavior in many families. However, if you suspect that the cause of anger is not at all in your actions, you can safely ask: "Did something happen to you? Tell me, and we will think it over together." Perhaps this will change the situation. But if the person continues to attack, just distance yourself from him. A normal conversation will not work, and the situation can be worsened by mutual accusations.

They want to achieve their own selfish goal. For example, two friends in the store liked the same thing. One begins to criticize the other (“You don’t suit the color, style, figure is not for this blouse”), and then buys it for herself. Or one of the employees found out that a vacancy for a higher position was opened in the department and began to criticize potential competitors in advance in the hope of getting this position.

And finally, they wish us well. Sometimes close people, friends, colleagues tell us something impartial, but true. It is possible that we made some mistake or did not do what we should have done. Inwardly, we ourselves experienced remorse, and the words of others in this case show us that other people also agree with our conscience. Of course, for some time our experiences intensify, we even try to look for excuses for ourselves, but the inner voice tells us: "You understand that you were wrong. Do not try to deceive yourself." If others keep silent, fearing to offend, a person will not only not endure a useful experience, but will also reinforce the erroneous behavior, thinking that there is “nothing wrong” in it, since the environment was silent. Constructive criticism does not need to be defended, it needs to be recognized and processed, and if the spirit is strong, then thank the one who criticized.

All these motifs can be combined in different proportions. Sometimes there is some truth in the words, but well “flavored” with either a negative attitude, or envy, or a desire to assert oneself, or “ride” at our expense. In every situation where criticism hurts you, you need to learn to look "for" it, revealing the motives pursued by the critic. This will help you respond appropriately.

You are criticized: how to react?

The tactics we use when we hear criticism can be very different. Moreover, for the same person, it varies, depending on the situation and who exactly criticizes him. And yet, each of us has one or more favorite reactions, which largely determine the style of our relations with others. How else, if criticism is a significant part of communication?

There are five main types of reaction to criticism.

"Justification". Perhaps the most common type, nurtured from childhood. This is the reaction that adults expect from a child, and many children successfully learn: if you make a guilty look and cry, the adult will fall behind. They demonstrate the same strategy, having matured - they begin to make excuses. They want to "enter into their position", "show understanding", in the end, take pity on them. They speak in such a pleading and hesitant tone that their words can not be called rational explanations. Well, often it is this reaction that satisfies the critic. He sees "sincere" repentance and decides that the goal has been achieved. However, this tactic bears rather negative results: a person, having begun to make excuses, continues to internally experience this situation, looking for new excuses, but already in a dialogue with himself. It takes away strength and energy that could have been spent on useful activities. A person's mood decreases, and he feels insecure, unable to defend his position.

"Aggression". The next most popular type. Such people react too aggressively, starting to blame in response. We can also see this reaction in preschoolers who answer: "He's like that!" The response is often harsh, sometimes offensive. There can be no talk of any constructive dialogue, because the defender turns on a powerful defense mechanism through an attack. If a person uses this method often, then the glory of an unbalanced and not too smart one, unable to accept a word of criticism, is assigned to him. A social "vacuum" can form around him, because. any communication is impossible without a share of criticism. Those around him will be afraid to say anything "sharp" to him, and even constructive criticism (and it is one of the foundations) will no longer reach his ears.

"Negation". This type of reaction is very interesting and also "grows" from childhood. In order to block accusations, a person may deny that he is the culprit of what happened. We all resort to this method from time to time, especially in situations where the opponent cannot be sure of our guilt. Is the copier broken? What do I have to do with it? Many people use it! Or: "it's not me who removed your disks, probably you removed it yourself and forgot!" An interesting situation develops when the critic brings evidence of guilt. In this case, either the reaction of justification or aggression is used. However, there are people who use denial, despite the fact that their guilt is obvious. This causes bewilderment of others, and the label of "eccentrics" is attached to the deniers.

How to resist criticism?
Sometimes we are criticized by minor (and other "-power") people, in relation to whom it is quite possible to apply alternative tactics that do not lead to a solution to the problem, but "put" in place. The main tactics are:

• You calmly and reasonably say whether you think the criticism is justified. If yes (albeit in a separate part), then admit it out loud, if not, then give calm, confident arguments why this is so and not otherwise. Further discussion try to lead in a constructive way. If the conversation takes the form of a fight, offer to continue later when you both have calmed down.
• Be silent trying to fill the silence with a mood of confidence, strength and bewilderment that devalues ​​criticism. A silent pause at first will be your assistant: during it, you can pacify emotions and consider criticism.
• Answer with a joke, irony, a paradoxical phrase, which will be unexpected for the critic.
• Move the conversation to another topic showing that criticism is not that important to you.
• Postponing the conversation for later to take the necessary "time out" for reflection. Sometimes you can say directly: "I need time to think about what you said, and we will return to this conversation later," and sometimes you can simply refer to "urgent" matters to get time.

"Silence". This reaction consists in the fact that a person, having heard criticism addressed to him, is silent or leaves. Most often this means resentment and refusal to communicate. If such a reaction is the most frequently used, then this leads to an accumulation of misunderstanding, because issues remain unspoken. Also, such people let criticism inside themselves, not releasing it back. This can lead to chronic diseases (hypertension, diseases of the gastrointestinal tract, vegetative dystonia). Silence, together with inner experiences, is one of the most bad ways reactions to criticism, literally "corroding" a person from the inside.

"Analysis". This is the most correct way to respond to criticism. In this case, a person is able to overcome negative response emotions, understand whether criticism is constructive or destructive, and respond to it correctly. Such a reaction helps a person to make sense of criticism and promotes personal growth.

If a calm analysis of criticism is The best way, then does this mean that all the others are completely unsuitable and must be overcome? Of course not. They just have to stop being habitual and apply in appropriate situations.

Learning to respond to criticism correctly

The first ingredient in your reaction when you hear criticism is emotional. You may feel awkward, bewildered, insecure, calm, angry. In any case, emotion comes first, and only then does the mind turn on. With this in mind, apply the following rules:

• Try to deal with negative emotions. If you are not balanced internally, you will not be able to respond correctly. A good helper is the "dissociation" method: try to look at the situation as if from the outside (both at yourself and at the critic), as if you were a spectator in the theater, and action is taking place on the stage. This will reduce the intensity of emotions and enable analysis of the situation.
• Don't show emotion. Even if you failed to cope with emotions (and this happens when the negative is too strong, and even the blow fell on a sore spot), do not show it. If a person strove for self-affirmation, wanted to spoil the mood or wanted to throw out anger, then your confused look is what he needs. Don't give him that pleasure.
• Speak confidently. How controlled you are shows the tone of your voice. "Correct" phrases, uttered in a quiet, doubtful tone, will be regarded as an attempt to justify. If you speak firmly, confidently and calmly, then they will be perceived as evidence and reasonable arguments.

The second component of the response to criticism is analytical. It comes only when you manage your emotions. Sometimes this moment comes very slowly or does not come at all. Hearing criticism, a person cannot cope with emotions and begins to either make excuses or scream. Then he continues to worry internally, justifying himself and finding reasons to hate the offender. Then he decides something (for example, no longer communicate with this person, or prick him in response on occasion, or recognizes him as envious) and calms down. Moment rational analysis it doesn't come. And we need to learn how to turn our head on almost immediately.

First of all, you must determine how constructive criticism is, both in form and content. Because first of all, our emotions react to the form (offensive or businesslike), and you coped with them, then you are ready to understand whether there is some truth in criticism.

After evaluating criticism for constructiveness, you proceed to pondering the goals of the opponent, standing "behind" criticism. To clarify the motives, you can ask a direct question: "What do you want to achieve by telling me this?". Look at the reaction - it will tell you. And then act according to the circumstances. Sometimes you can and should tell a person that, in your opinion, he, by criticizing you, is striving for his own goals, and sometimes this is not worth doing. First of all, it is important that you internally understand where the criticism "legs grow from."

Assessing the constructiveness of criticism and the goals of the opponent, you must formulate what is more important for you in this situation: to feel like a winner at all costs, or to maintain a relationship. Sometimes relationships with a person are so important for us that we must definitely discuss the situation and come to an agreement, no matter how outraged we are.

So, now you are ready to correctly evaluate the criticism directed at you and adequately respond. It may take a long time at first, and you will take a "silent pause", move the conversation to another topic, or postpone the conversation. However, gradually you will be able to “train” in such a way that you will overcome emotional discomfort, determine the constructive criticism and goals of your opponent in half a minute.

Julia Vasilkina
Psychologist, Moscow
Article provided by the journal "Pregnancy. From conception to childbirth" N 05 2007

Today I continue the theme of the Philosophy of an Entrepreneur heading with philosophical quotes from an outstanding personality, the idol of millions, a philosopher and a master of martial arts - Bruce Lee.

I did some work and prepared a short video. The text of philosophical quotations can also be found below. All pleasant viewing.

I remember how I went to the video salon to see the first film with the participation of Bruce Lee, Enter the Dragon. Bruce made a huge impression on me. You won’t surprise anyone now, but at that time (90s) it was just space.

But that's another story. I will not, as they say, "pull the rubber". Read, leave your comments. I imagine once again: quotes from the idol of many - Bruce Lee, rubric.

29 Philosophical Quotes by Bruce Lee

1. It doesn't matter how slowly you progress, the main thing is that you don't stop.

2. Defeat is not defeat unless you recognize it as such in your mind.

3. True friends are like diamonds - expensive and rare. False friends like autumn leaves- they are everywhere.

4. Study everyone you come in contact with.

5. My choice is martial arts, my profession is an actor. My main role is the artist of life.

6. If you are criticized, then you are doing everything right. Because people attack anyone with brains.

7. What you think about is what you become.

8. Hot temper will make a fool out of you very soon.

9. Softness cannot be broken.

10. It doesn't matter what you give, it matters how you give.

11. Free your brain, become incorporeal, formless - like water. Imagine that you pour water into a cup - it becomes a cup, you pour it into a teapot - it becomes a teapot. Water can flow, it can creep, it can drip or break - be water, my friend.

12. The worst opponent you can face is one who is determined and clearly aware of his goal. For example, if such a person is determined to bite your nose off, he has enough high chances do it.

13. If I tell you that I am a great guy, you will think that I am boasting. If I tell you that I am worthless, you will know that I am lying.

14. Be gentle, but not submissive, be firm, but not cruel.

15. Do empty heads long tongues.

16. The goal does not have to be achieved. Sometimes it's just a direction to move forward.

17. My main enemy is myself.

18. You can always forgive yourself for mistakes, if only you have the courage to admit them.

19. Use only what really works. And take it wherever you can find it.

20. A good fighter is not one who is tense, but one who is ready. He does not think and does not dream, he is ready for anything that can happen.

21. I am not afraid of someone who learns 10,000 different strokes. I fear the one who learns one punch 10,000 times.

22. Simplicity - the highest level art.

23. There was a butcher in the world, and he had a knife that remained perfectly sharp year after year. When the butcher was asked how he managed to keep the blade in such a state, he answered: “ I follow the lines of the bone. I'm not trying to cut it, break it, and generally somehow resist it. It will only ruin the knife". In life, you have to go through obstacles. Trying to fight them will only hurt.

24. Money as such has no meaning. This is just a tool to achieve certain goals, and you need to understand what they can, and most importantly, what they cannot.

25. Only the one who does will learn something.

26. A person is capable of more. The fact is that people live using only a small percentage of what they are capable of:
- a person does not allow himself to open up and be completely himself;
Society does not allow a person to be completely himself.

27. We must come to terms with the possibility of death. It is worth stopping dreaming about eternal spring, then both summer and winter will give happiness.

28. For centuries, the ultimate fate of heroes was the same as that of ordinary people. All of them died and were gradually erased from the memory of people. But while we are alive, we must understand ourselves, understand ourselves and express ourselves.

29. Do not forget, my friend, that life is too short to accumulate negative energy. Therefore, with pleasure, plan something and achieve your goals.

P.S. I am sure that much of the philosophy of Bruce Lee can be applied not only to your life, but also to business. Leave your comments, thoughts.