It happens that we communicate with a person for a long time, talk, explain, prove, argue ... We both know all the words that we utter to each other, we catch the meaning and meaning of these words, we understand thoughts and emotional message ... But there is no mutual understanding. It seems that the interlocutor does not seem to hear us, but we do not hear him. It feels like we're speaking different languages... But do we really have one language, a common one? Maybe each of us, indeed, speaks his own, special, language?

In one of the works of the modern poet Dmitry Bukin there are such lines:

"We speak different languages,

We hear each other, but we do not understand.

Why? Maybe because everyone is trying to hear only themselves? The poet continues his poem thus:

“And, with lust, we listen to ourselves,

And with rapture we carry on our hands

Themselves. And in the hustle and bustle of the day

We utter a resounding tirade

And in it alone we find consolation,

We are proud of her and groom like a horse,

Who, without a saddle and without a bridle,

And we, clinging to the withers from fear

We fly, losing feelings and dreams ... "

But, sometimes, people understand each other from a half-word, even from a half-look. They do not need long and detailed explanations: they think and feel very similarly. So, it turns out, it's like a way of thinking and feeling? In the coincidence of our worldview and attitude?

Due to upbringing, life experience, environment and many other factors, we are all so different that it is difficult to find someone with whom you will speak “the same language”. We can say that such a person for each of us is a rarity, a precious pearl. Therefore, probably, so often we try to artificially grow pearls for ourselves from grains of sand, to remake someone “for ourselves”. If there are enough points of contact, and the way of thinking is at least somewhat consistent with ours, this succeeds. But more often you have to spend a lot of time and effort, but nothing comes of it. So, maybe you shouldn’t torment yourself and the person, but is it better to just take it and let it go? If it doesn’t work out with him, it will work out with another, or maybe there will be a real pearl ...

But what if, on the contrary, it is good that everyone has their own language? And only when we communicate with someone who can oppose our opinion with their point of view, and we get the most fruitful and enriching communication? You just need to try to hear, understand (not necessarily accept), get away from admiring your own theories and just for a moment become a different person - your interlocutor, look at the world through his eyes ...

Edition of IA "Existence"

What can coaches who do not speak Russian teach our football players?

The leadership of Spartak dismissed the head coach of the team Massimo Carrera ( in the photo on the right). The Italian ended his work in Russia due to a series of unsuccessful games by the Moscow team. But do not forget his merits - in the season before last, Carrera, after a long break, led the red-whites to gold medals. However, I personally remember him differently: the Italian was another coach who, working in Russia, did not speak Russian.

Foreign coaches have long appeared in Russian football. But since then, the same picture has stuck to the TV screens: the Varangian mentor admonishes the players in English, Spanish, French, and his words are dubbed into Russian by an interpreter. This spectacle always made me wonder. Firstly, it is unlikely that the interpreter can convey all the subtleties and nuances of a professional and very emotional, specific monologue. Secondly, why doesn't the club's management offer a foreign coach to learn Russian first? Such a condition could well appear in the contract. And finally, this just looks ugly. If a person comes to Russia, he must comply with our rules, customs and, of course, laws. Yes, and speaking Russian is not only very desirable, but also necessary. To be successful, of course.

“There can’t be a coach who doesn’t speak the team’s native language,” used to say the ex-coach of Spartak Oleg Romantsev. - And in the club, a specialist should learn the language. What will he say to the team? How does the translator interpret his words? The Russian language is great and powerful, and communication with the team is the most important part of coaching.”

What is the status of foreign coaches? If they are migrants, then by law these people are required to know the Russian language and, in addition, the history of Russia. Alas, the vast majority of coaches who come to work in our country neglect this.

These people not only don't learn Russian, it doesn't even occur to them. What is it, how disrespectful to our country, to our own culture?

So why not remind foreigners of this? Or do they think that their fame and high status exempt them from such an "unfortunate need"?

This is a moral aspect, but there is also a purely practical one. It is unlikely that the work of foreigners can be complete if the players and the coach do not understand each other. At best, they are misunderstood. Which is what happened, in the end, with Carrera. This happened with the previous mentors of Spartak - the Italian Nevio Scala, the Dane Mikael Laudrup, the Spaniard Unai Emery, the Swiss Turk Murat Yakin. The mentors of other teams of the Russian Premier League did not want to know Russian - the Italians Luciano Spalletti and Roberto Mancini, the Portuguese Andre Villas-Boash, who worked in St. Petersburg Zenit, the Brazilian Zico and the Spaniard Juande Ramos, who worked in CSKA. I will confine myself to these examples, although I could give more.

Nor did the head coach of the Russian national team Dutchman Guus Hiddink speak Russian. As, however, and his followers - another Dutchman Dick Advocaat and Italian Fabio Capello, in which translators were inseparable, like resuscitators for frail and sickly old politicians. The latter, by the way, when taking up his post, promised that he would certainly learn Russian, but very soon forgot about his words. And why bother? The main thing is that a fair amount of money under the contract flows like a river ...

Necessary note. Many experts from Europe and South America work in other countries. But neither the Chilean Mauricio Pochettino, who works in the English Tottenham, nor the German Jurgen Klopp from Liverpool, nor the Manchester United coach, the Portuguese Jose Mourinho, nor other foreigners experience difficulties in communicating with local football players and journalists.

Everything is very simple - according to labor legislation and contracts, they are required to learn English within a short period of time. This is how Britain makes the aliens respect their old, unshakable traditions. And he does it right!

- When I arrived at Roma, - said coach Dmitry Alenichev, - there was a condition in the contract - a mandatory study Italian three times a week, two hours a day. Maybe this should be done in Russia as well? I'm in Spartak (he then worked in this club – V.B.) I will ask and even insist that foreigners study Russian for an hour or two a day. I will not fundamentally look at the knowledge or ignorance of the language, the main thing is a quality player. But experience shows that it is impossible to do without the Russian language.

Russian Leonid Slutsky, when he was offered a job in the English "Hull", immediately sat down with textbooks. Moreover, the classes were very intensive. In one interview, he said that the lessons were held for seven weeks every day - from 9 am to 5 pm: “I had three subjects: football English, conversational and grammar,” Slutsky said. Each was led by a different teacher. In addition, there were also joint breakfast, lunch and dinner - for practice with other students and teachers. In fact, we had to communicate English language 11 hours a day. This is the "method of diving" - immersion in the language. Effective!”

Andrei Arshavin, who played in the London Arsenal, Roman Pavlyuchenko, who defended the colors of Tottenham and Yuri Zhirkov, who played for Chelsea, quickly mastered English and soon after moving to foggy Albion gave interviews in the language of Shakespeare. Andrey Voronin came to Dynamo capital after playing for English and German clubs, where he had to learn two languages. Just like Pavel Pogrebnyak, who worked for several years in Germany and England.

“A foreign language and everything connected with it is at first a lot of stress, – he told. – No one else has such a mentality as we Russians have. It means: I do what I want. But this does not work in Europe - here you have to live according to the laws of the country where you are, obey local requirements.

Today, linguistics is as much a part of football as tactics and strategy. It's not enough to run fast, show breathtaking feints and score wonderful goals.

Visiting football players and coaches should become their own in a foreign country, share with local residents the joy of victory and the bitterness of failure. And this is unthinkable without knowledge of the language.

Alas, customs in Russia are different. Coaches and football players coming here from other countries do not want to devote even an hour to studying the great language of Leo Tolstoy, Turgenev, Chekhov, Tsvetaeva! And no one will even gently point out to them: “Forgive me, gentlemen, but this is a bad form ...”

Our football has a huge number of legionnaires from different countries. But they, with rare exceptions, do not speak Russian. Even naturalized Brazilian Mario Fernandez from CSKA, a player of the Russian national team. But another Brazilian Marinato Guilherme from Lokomotiv, who received a Russian passport and also plays for our team, learned Russian. Although not perfect, but nevertheless he gives interviews, practically without resorting to the services of an interpreter. Alas, there are only a few such positive examples. Among them is Ecuadorian Christian Noboa from Rubin Kazan. By the way, he is married to a Russian woman, the family has two children.

Many fans probably did not forget the Czech Vlastimil Petrzhela, who coached Zenit at the beginning of this century. He was remembered for the fact that he explained himself in Russian quite well. And the team from the banks of the Neva looked very nice with him. This can be partly explained by the fact that the coach was able to fully communicate his strategy and ideas to the players.

Now, perhaps, the only foreign coach in the Premier League who knows Russian is the Montenegrin specialist Miodrag Bozovic, who works in the Samara team "Wings of the Soviets". And only he, by the way, represents the foreign coaching workshop in the elite of Russian football, not counting CSKA coach Viktor Goncharenko from Belarus.

This means that, firstly, foreign coaches are now very expensive and place a heavy burden on the budgets of clubs (it is necessary not only to pay them solid fees, but also to provide comfortable living conditions, high level service, etc.). Secondly, the costs of aliens are unprofitable, because their work, perhaps due to the realities and specifics of Russian life, is ineffective. And this is a fact - after all, there was no foreign coach who would have achieved some major success with domestic clubs. Unless Advocate contributed to Zenit in winning the UEFA Cup in 2008. Agree, not enough for a whole cohort of famous and obscure coaches, in different time working in our country.

In general, it seems that the era of kowtowing to the West in football is coming to an end. And you can't say that the changes were somehow painful - it turned out that Russia has a lot of its own qualified personnel, and our football is quite ready for "import substitution".

If you invite a foreign coach, then let him not be a covenant accidentally abandoned in the vastness of Russia, but a good specialist and a person worthy in all respects. And let it become close to us, the Russians, in spirit and outlook on life as soon as possible. To do this, he, first of all, needs to learn Russian. Talk to him and immediately find out what kind of person he is ...

However, all of the above also applies to other foreigners who come to work for us in other areas: they desperately need the Russian language, and most importantly, it is useful, because it promises so many wonderful discoveries!

Especially for "Century"

Having met and started living together, the Martians and Venusians faced a considerable number of problems, most of which we face today. Realizing that they are not the same, and understanding these differences, they were able to solve these problems. And one of the secrets of their success was that Martians and Venusians learned to communicate and understand each other.

And this happened (another irony of fate!) precisely because they spoke different languages. At the first sign of conflict, instead of cursing and quarreling, the sons of Mars and the daughters of Venus grabbed dictionaries and phrasebooks in order to properly understand each other. If this did not help, they ran to an interpreter.

Very soon you will see that the words in the Martian and Venusian languages ​​are the same, but the meanings are sometimes opposite. Phrases and phrases are very similar to each other, but they have different subtexts and different emotional overtones. In short, the likelihood of misunderstandings is very high. So when communication problems arose, the Martians and Venusians looked at it as just another misunderstanding and knew that they would get out of it if they had a little help with the translation. Building their relationship on mutual trust, they accepted each other as they are - a thing quite rare these days.

ON THE ONE SIDE IS THE EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS,

ON THE OTHER - TRANSFER OF INFORMATION

We still need translators to this day. When using the same words, men and women rarely mean the same thing. For example, when a woman says, "I feel like you never listen to me," she doesn't expect the word "never" to be taken literally. She uses it to express her frustration at the moment. Therefore, it should not be taken given word as a carrier of accurate, factual information.

To more fully express their feelings, women resort to various poetic liberties: exaggerations, metaphors, generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. And, as a result, having misinterpreted the meaning invested in them, they react in such a way that you cannot catch even a hint of support in their words and actions. What follows is a list of ten common complaints (which can be misunderstood) from women and common responses from men.

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASY TO MISTAKE

It is easy to see that " literal translation"A woman's words may well mean something completely different to a man accustomed to using speech only as a means of conveying facts and information. And it is also not difficult to understand why his answers, such as those given above, can cause a quarrel between partners.

Communication, which has a lot of confusion and little true warmth, is one of the biggest problems in the field of relationships. "You talk, you talk, but he seems to be deaf" - this is the most common complaint that one has to hear from women. And even it is perceived and interpreted incorrectly!

The woman says: "You seem to be deaf, you can't hear me." The man, not understanding the feelings that gave rise to this phrase, gets angry and objects. He thinks that he heard everything, because he can repeat her every word. In order for him to correctly interpret the words "You do not hear me", they should be translated into the language of a man something like this: "I have a feeling that you do not quite understand what I really want to say, or you do not care what I I feel. Could you somehow express your interest in my words?

Having correctly understood the meaning of this complaint, a man will perceive it more peacefully and will be able to respond much more positively. Once on the verge of a quarrel, men and women, as a rule, cease to understand each other. At such moments, it is very important to rethink or translate for yourself what he or she heard from the lips of a partner.

Not realizing that women express their feelings differently than they themselves, many men misjudge their complaints or believe that there is no basis for them. This leads to quarrels. The Martians of that time often managed to avoid quarrels with their loved ones, because they tried to understand them correctly. If for some reason it became difficult for them to listen, they took the "Venus-Martian Phrasebook" and looked for a translation of this or that expression in it.

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK

This section of the book contains excerpts from the "Venusian-Martian Phrasebook", now, unfortunately, lost. Each of the ten complaints above is translated here in such a way that a man can grasp its true meaning. In addition, each translation contains a hint of what answer the Venusian would like to receive.

You will see that the frustrated Venusian, while expressing her feelings in language that comes not from reason, but from emotions, also puts an implicit request for support in her complaint. She did not need to express herself directly: on Venus, everyone knew that every spoken word carried such a connotation.

In the translation of each phrase, this subtext is deciphered. If a man, listening to a woman, manages to hear the signal - a request for support and reacts accordingly, his partner will surely feel that her words are being listened to, she is loved.

Venus-Martian Phrasebook

"We never go anywhere."

Translated into Martian, this means: “I really want us to go somewhere together, relax and have fun. After all, we know how to have a good time, and it’s so wonderful with you. What do you think about this? some lunch? We haven't been anywhere in a few days."

Without this translation, when a man hears “We never go anywhere” from a woman’s lips, the man will most likely interpret it as follows: “You are not doing what you should be doing. You turned out to be completely different from what I imagined you to be. Our life has become uninteresting because you are a lazy and boring person, there is not a drop of romance left in you.

"Everyone is ignoring me."

Translated into Martian, this means: “Today it seems to me that no one cares about me, that no one cares about me. they don't seem to care if I exist or not. recent times so busy. I really really appreciate that you work so hard, try for both of us, but sometimes it starts to seem to me that it doesn’t matter to you whether I am or not. I get the impression that the job means more to you than I do, and I get scared. Maybe you could hug me and tell me that you need me?

Without this translation, the phrase “Everyone ignores me” can be interpreted by a man as follows: “I feel bad. I just can’t get the attention from you that I need so much. Everything is absolutely hopeless. Even you don’t notice me, but you are supposed to love me "Shame on you! You're so heartless. I would never do that to you."

"I'm so tired I can't do anything."

In translation, this means: "I had so many things to do today. I really need to take a break before doing anything else. How lucky I am that I can count on your support! Maybe you will hug me and confirm that I'm good doing my job and that I really deserve a moment of rest?"

Without this translation, on hearing "I'm so tired I can't do anything," a man might interpret the complaint as "I do everything and you do nothing. You should have taken on more responsibilities. I can't handle all alone. I'm just in despair. I need a "real man", not you. How wrong I was by choosing you!"

"I want to forget about everything."

The translation reads: "I want you to know that I love my job and that I'm good with you, but today I got a lot. Before I take on my duties again, I need a little tenderness and warmth. Why don't you ask : "What's the matter with you, dear?" and not listen to me - just silently, without offering any solutions? I really need to feel that you understand how difficult it is for me now, and sympathize with me. This will help me not take everything so close to my heart , relax. And tomorrow I will get down to business with renewed vigor. "

Without a translation, a man can interpret the phrase "I want to forget about everything" as follows: "I'm doing so many things that I have lost all desire to do anything. I feel bad with you, I feel unhappy. I would like to have with you another person, more efficient and less thick-skinned than you."

"The house is always such a mess!"

Translated into the Martian language, this means: "Today I want to rest and relax a little, but the house is such a mess! I'm tired, I need a break. I hope you don't put all the cleaning on me. and then offer to help me clean up?"

Without this translation, having heard: "The house is always such a mess!" a man can give the following interpretation: "The house is always a mess by your grace. I do my best to keep our place clean, but before I can finish cleaning, you turn the house into a pigsty again. You are a slob and a bum, and I have there is no desire to continue living with you while you are like this. Clean up after yourself or get out yourself!"

"No one listens to me anymore."

Translated into Martian, this means: "I'm afraid that you are bored with me. I'm afraid that you have lost all interest in me. It seems that today I got too emotional about something. Can I count on any sign of attention from you "I wish I could! I've had a hard day today and I don't feel like anyone cares what I'm saying. Maybe you could listen to me and ask me questions that would make me feel your interest and support, such as: "How are you today?

What else was there? How did you feel about it? What did you want? And how do you feel now?" And I would also insert other words so that I know: you understand me and experience with me, for example: "Tell me more", "Yes, yes", "I understand what you mean ". Or you can even not say anything, but just sometimes, when I pause, say "oh", "hm", "uh-huh", "hmm" - it gives me strength and confidence. (Note: before their arrival on Venus, the Martians were not even aware of the existence of such sounds.)

Without this translation, the phrase “No one listens to me anymore” can be interpreted by a man as follows: “I devote all my attention to you, and you don’t bother to listen to me. You are used to this state of affairs. next to me was an interesting, lively person, and not such a bore as you. You disappointed me. You are a callous and soulless egoist. "

"Nothing Works Right"

Without this translation, when he hears the lament: "Nothing works out the way it should," a man can interpret it as follows: "You never do anything the right way. I can't trust you. If I hadn't stopped my the choice is yours, now everything would be different for me. Everything would go fine for another, but from you there are only problems. "

"Do not you love me anymore".

In translation, this reproach-complaint is deciphered as follows: "Today it seems to me that you do not love me. And I'm afraid that I myself pushed you away in some way. I know that you really love me and do a lot for me. But Today I feel kind of insecure Could you please reinforce my faith in your love and tell me three magic words"I love you"? When you say them, I feel so good!"

Without this translation, upon hearing: "You don't love me anymore," the male interpretation could be: "I gave you the best years of my life, and you gave me nothing. You just used me. You are a cold and calculating egoist. You do everything yourself "whatever you want, but always only for yourself alone. You don't give a damn about anyone else. I did a terrible stupid thing by falling in love with you. And now I have nothing left."

"We're always in a hurry somewhere."

Translated into Martian, this means: “Today we have not a day, but a continuous race. And I don’t like it at all. I would like our life to be more measured. I know that no one is to blame, and in no way I don't blame you in any case. I know that you are doing everything so that we get there on time, and I really appreciate your concern. Could you sympathize with me and say something like: "Today is really some kind of crazy day. I, too, sometimes want to live calmer, without haste "?"

Having no translation, a man, having heard "We are always in a hurry somewhere," may regard it as follows: "You are a terribly irresponsible type. You always hold out until the last minute. I never feel good with you. We are always forced to fly headlong so as not to be late. Whenever I go somewhere with you, you only spoil everything. It is much more pleasant for me to be in different places without you. "

"I wish there was more romance in our lives."

The translation of this phrase into the Martian language means: "Darling, you have been working so hard lately. Let's make some time for ourselves. It's so nice when you can relieve stress and be alone, without children, without thinking about business and problems. You "I'm such a romantic person! Why don't you surprise me one of these days - give me a bouquet of flowers and make a date? I just love being looked after."

Without this translation, having heard: “I would like there to be more romance in our life,” the interpretation of a man may be: “I'm bored with you. "It's really good with you. Oh, if you were like other men - those whom I knew before you!"

After several years of using this dictionary, a man no longer needs to frantically grab it every time he seems to be reproached or accused of something. He begins to understand how women think and feel. He learns that such dramatic phrases should not be taken literally: it's just that women express their feelings more fully in this way. Such are the Venusians, and the sons of Mars should remember this!

WHEN THE MARTIANS FALL IN SILENCE

One of the most difficult tasks for a man is to correctly understand and support a woman when she begins to talk about her feelings. The most difficult task for a woman is to correctly understand and support a man when he is immersed in silence. It is silence that a woman is most easily misinterpreted.

It often happens that a man suddenly seems to be disconnected from the conversation and is silent for a long time. For the daughters of Venus, this is something unheard of. At first it occurs to the woman that he is deaf. Maybe she just doesn't hear what I'm saying, she thinks, that's why she doesn't answer.

And the thing, you see, is that men and women think and digest information in different ways – very different ways. Women think aloud, inviting an interested listener to participate in this process. To this day, a woman often realizes exactly what she wants to say already during the conversation itself. The free flow of thoughts expressed aloud allows her, as it were, to try them on the tooth of her intuition. This process is quite normal, and at times it becomes especially necessary.

However, in men, the digestion of information occurs in a completely different way. Before they begin to speak themselves or react to what the interlocutors say, they carefully consider what they have heard or experienced. Men are silent, and their brain at this time is busy developing the most correct or expedient decision.

First, they formulate this decision to themselves and only then express it out loud. Sometimes this process takes just a couple of minutes, sometimes it takes hours. And in addition - as if on purpose in order to completely confuse a woman - a man may well not react at all if the information received is not enough to develop an answer.

Women should firmly grasp that the silence of a man means: "I don't know what to say yet, but I'm thinking about it." Instead, they hear: "I'm not answering you because I don't care about you and your problems. I don't give a damn about everything you mutter there, so don't wait for an answer."

How does she react to his silence?

Women usually misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on what mood she is in that day, various bad thoughts begin to creep into her head, up to the worst: "He does not love me, he hates me, he is going to leave me." And from here it’s already a stone’s throw to that terrible conclusion, hidden deepest in the female soul: “If he leaves me, then no one will ever love me. I don’t deserve to be loved.”

When a man is silent, it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst, because she herself is silent only in two cases. Either when he realizes that he can hurt another person with what he is going to say, or when he does not believe this person and does not want to not only talk to him, but generally have anything in common. Therefore, there is nothing strange in the fact that a woman begins to feel insecure when a man suddenly sinks into silence.

A woman, listening to another woman, from time to time lets her know that she does it with attention and sympathy. When there is a pause, the listener instinctively says something that may not have a specific meaning, but is encouraging, for example: "oh", "oh, oh, oh," "um," "ah," "well, well."

The silence of a man, not interrupted by interjections expressing support and sympathy, looks simply menacing. Women should understand everything that concerns the famous cave, and, having learned to correctly perceive the silence of a man, respond accordingly.

Understand what a cave is

Before the relationship between partners begins to bring true satisfaction to both, women should learn a lot about men. They need to understand that when a man is upset or in stressful condition, he automatically stops talking and retires to his "cave" to think things over in solitude. They must know that entry is forbidden to everyone without exception - even to the closest friends.

This is exactly what happened on Mars. A woman does not need to be frightened and panickingly sort through all her words and deeds in her memory - it’s only because she did something terrible! You just need to accustom yourself to the idea that if you have already allowed a man to retire into a cave, then you should be patient and wait: after a while he will come out of there, and everything will be fine again.

This approach is difficult for women to master, because on Venus one of the golden rules was: never leave a friend if she is upset. The Venusians, of course, extended this rule to relationships with Martian lovers: is it possible to leave loved one at a difficult time for him? It is love and care that make a woman try to enter the cave and offer her help.

In addition, she mistakenly believes that asking her partner a lot of questions (like "What's wrong with you, dear?") and listening diligently will help him come to his senses. However, this only makes the situation worse. A woman instinctively seeks to support her beloved - but in the way she herself would like to be supported in Hard time. Her intentions are the best, but the result is often diametrically opposed.

Instead of offering their partner the kind of support and help they would like to receive in a similar situation, they should understand that the other sex thinks, feels, and reacts differently, and try to act accordingly.

Why do men retire to the cave

Men retire to a cave or stop talking for several reasons.

1. A person needs to think about the problem and find a practical solution.
2. He can not find the answer to the tormenting question. Men have never been taught to say, "Honey, I need to find the answer to one question, but it does not work. I will have to go into the cave and think about it properly there." Other men, seeing that their brother has fallen into silence, understand everything correctly: the person is considering some problem.
3. He is upset or under stress. At such moments, he needs to be alone in order to cool down and pull himself together again. He simply does not want to say and do things that he may later regret.
4. He needs to find himself. This fourth motive is especially important when men fall in love. Then at times they begin to seem to lose and forget themselves. A man may feel that becoming too close to a woman makes him dependent and that he needs to adjust the degree of this closeness. When the distance between him and the object of his love is reduced so much that he begins to lose his "I", an alarm is activated, calling him to look into the cave. As a result, a man comes out of her renewed, loving, with even more self-confidence than before.

Why do women talk

Women also start talking for several reasons - sometimes for the same reasons that men stop talking. Here are four reasons that most often prompt a woman to talk:

1. To transmit or collect information. (Usually this is the only reason that makes a man open his mouth.)
2. To figure it out and understand what, in general, she wants to say. (The man pauses just to be alone with his thoughts. The woman thinks aloud.)
3. To feel better in a difficult moment, to gather my thoughts and master myself. (A man in such cases is immersed in silence. The cave gives him the opportunity to retire and come to his senses.)
4. To promote rapprochement. By sharing her intimate feelings, she comes to know herself in love. (The Martian stops talking in order to find himself again. He fears that due to excessive closeness he loses his own self.)

Understanding these differences is vital. After all, each of us has before our eyes as many examples as we like, when the relationship of couples comes down to two words: daily struggle.

Fear the fire dragon!

It is extremely important that women understand that in no case should you try to get a man to talk before he himself is ready for it. During a discussion of this topic in one of my seminars, an Indian listener said that in his native tribe, when preparing girls for marriage, mothers instruct them to always remember that in moments of failure and experience, a man tends to hide in his cave. And you should not take it personally, because this happens from time to time. This does not mean at all that the husband does not love his wife: he will certainly return. But most importantly, never try to follow him into the cave. If a woman tries to do this, the terrible dragon, the patron of the cave, will burn her with his fiery breath.

The woman's attempts to enter the man's cave more than once caused unnecessary conflicts. Women still have not learned that in difficult times a man simply needs to be alone, or at least be silent. When he climbs into the cave, the woman does not understand what is happening, and, naturally, tries to "talk" to him. She hopes to show him her love and care by making him come out of concentration and tell him about the problem that is bothering him.

- Something happened? she asks.

“No, nothing,” he replies.

But she feels that the man is upset, and does not understand why he hides his feelings. Instead of giving him the opportunity to work productively in the cave, she, without realizing it, interrupts his thought process. She asks again:

“I know something is bothering you. What is the point anyway?

“Nothing,” he replies.

- But it's not true! she insists. "Something's wrong with you, I can see it."

“I’m fine.” The man’s tone begins to heat up. "Would you leave me alone, would you?"

– Yes, how do you only have enough conscience? the woman exclaims. “You stopped talking to me completely. How can I know what is happening to you if you yourself are silent? You just don't love me anymore. He pushed me into a corner, and that's it!

Here he already loses his temper and begins to say things that he himself will later regret. His fire-breathing dragon bursts out and burns her.

WHEN THE MARTIANS DO SAY

Women get burned not only when they try to get into the cave of a man occupied with thoughts, but also when they misinterpret certain of his expressions, usually warnings that he is either already in the cave or on his way to it. To the question: "What happened?" the Martian usually answers briefly: "Nothing" or "It's all right."

These are almost the only signals that allow the Venusian to understand that he needs to give him time to deal with his feelings in the solitude of the cave. A man doesn't say, "I'm upset and I need to be alone for a while." Instead, he just shuts up.

The following list presents six of the most commonly used brief warning signals, as well as options - alas, completely inappropriate - for women to answer them.

TO A WOMAN'S QUESTION "WHAT HAPPENED?"

By giving one of the above signals, a man usually wants the woman to refrain from further questions or even give him the opportunity to be silent. Venusians, finding themselves in a similar situation, in order to avoid misunderstandings and out of unnecessary panic, opened the "Martian-Venus Phrasebook". Without his help, women usually perceive the mentioned short signals not as they should.

It's time for them to know that when a man says, "It's okay," it's a shortened version of what he really wants to say: "It's okay, because I can handle it myself. I don't need help. Please." support me, but do not worry about me. Believe that this matter is quite up to me. "

Without this translation, seeing a loved one upset and hearing “It's okay” from him, a woman believes that he just wants to hide his feelings or problems. Then she begins to "help" him by asking questions or starting a conversation about the problem that, in her opinion, is troubling him at the moment. She does not know that he resorted to a brief warning signal. Here are some excerpts from the above phrasebook.

Martian-Venus phrasebook

"Everything is fine".

Translated into Venusian, this means: "I'm fine, I can handle my own bad mood. I don't need help, thanks."

Without this translation, when a man says "It's okay," a woman might interpret it as "I'm not upset at all because I don't give a damn" or "I don't want to tell you why I'm upset. I don't believe that you really care about my problems."

"I'm ok".

Translated into the language of Venusians, it sounds like this: "I'm all right, I'm successfully coping with my problems myself. I do not need help. And if needed, I'll ask myself

Without this translation, a woman who hears, "I'm OK," will interpret it as follows: "It doesn't matter to me what happened. I don't care about this issue. Even if you're upset about it, I still don't care."

"Nothing, nothing."

The translation reads: "Nothing happened that I couldn't handle myself. Please don't ask any more questions on this subject."

Without translation, when she hears: "Nothing, nothing," a woman can interpret it as follows: "I myself do not know what" worries me. I need you to help me figure out what's wrong with your questions.” And then she will only add fuel to the fire by asking questions, when he really wants to be left alone.

"Everything is fine".

The translation of this phrase boils down to the following: “Yes, this is really a problem, but you don’t need to“ saw ”me. I can quite solve it myself if you don’t interfere with me thinking about it by asking questions or suggesting what to do. Just behave as if nothing had happened: that way I would think of the right decision sooner.”

Without this translation, having heard: "Everything is fine," a woman can give such an interpretation: "Everything is as it should be. There is no need to change anything. You can behave as you like towards me, and I towards you" . Or, "That's the way it should be this time, but remember it's your fault. I'll let it go once in a while, but God forbid you do something like that again."

"Oh, nothing special".

Translated into Venusian, this means: "Nothing terrible has happened, because I will be able to fix everything again. Please do not think about this problem anymore and do not talk about it. This makes me even more uncomfortable. I take responsibility for solution to this problem. I am pleased to solve it myself."

Without this translation, having heard the answer: “Yes, nothing special,” a woman can interpret it as follows: “You always make an elephant out of a fly. All your worries are not worth a penny. There is nothing to twitch in vain.”

"In general, it's a trifle."

The translation into the Venusian language is: "It's not difficult for me to do this or solve this problem. It's a pleasure for me to do this for you."

Without translation, when she hears, "Actually, this is a trifle," a woman may interpret the answer as follows: "It's all nonsense. Why are you making a problem out of this and crying out for help?" And then - completely out of place - she begins to explain to him why "this" is a problem.

By using the Martian-Venus Phrasebook, it is easier for women to understand what men really mean when they use their favorite abbreviations. Sometimes the words spoken by a man have the exact opposite meaning for a woman.

HOW TO BE WHEN HE CLIMBES INTO THE CAVE

When I start talking about caves and dragons in my seminars, the women always ask how they can cut down on the time a man spends in his hideout. Here I forward the question to men, and they usually answer this way: the more a woman tries to pull him out of the cave or engage him in a conversation, the longer this voluntary seclusion drags on.

And here is another comment that can often be heard from the lips of men: "It is very difficult to leave the cave when you feel that your half does not like it at all, that you are there at all." To make a man feel embarrassed in front of his girlfriend for going into a cave is tantamount to pushing him back even when he was about to leave it.

A man who has climbed into a cave is usually a victim of anxiety or stress and is trying to find a solution to his problem alone with himself. To offer him at this time such support that a woman would like to receive in a similar situation is simply contraindicated. There are six main ways to support a man who has hidden in a cave. (Properly given support also shortens the time it takes for him to decide to get out of it.)

1. Do not express your dissatisfaction with his need for privacy.
2. Don't try to help him deal with the problem by suggesting solutions.
3. Don't try to show concern by asking questions like "How do you feel after all this?".
4. Do not sit down at the very entrance to the cave, but let him get out on his own.
5. Don't worry about him and don't feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that would give you pleasure.

If you absolutely need to "talk", write him a letter that he can read later, outside the house, and if you also need sympathy, talk with a friend. Do not turn your partner into the only source of attention to your person.

A man wants his beloved Venusian to believe that he can deal with the problem himself. This belief is very important for his honor, pride and self-respect.

However, it is extremely difficult for a woman not to worry about him. After all, she expresses her love and care precisely by concern for another person. It's a way for her to show love. In her opinion, it is simply indecent to be happy when the person you love is upset or unhappy. Of course, a man wants his partner to feel good, but not because he feels bad. If she's happy, he has one less thing to worry about. In addition, he wants her to be happy, also because it helps him feel loved. When a woman is happy and does not need to worry about anything, it is easier for him to get out of the cave.

Another irony of fate: men show their love by not worrying about the object of this love. Their logic is this: "How can you worry about someone you admire and trust?" Men usually express their support to each other with phrases like: "Don't worry, you can handle it", "It's their problem, not yours", "I'm sure it will work." Men support each other by not worrying about their comrade at all or, in any case, attaching less importance to his problems.

It took me several years to figure out why my wife wanted me to worry about her when she was sick. Not knowing how different our needs were, I underestimated the importance of her desire. Which, of course, upset his wife even more.

A man climbs into a cave to try to solve the problem. If at this time everything is in order with his partner - she does not worry about anything, does not need anything - it means that he has one less problem. And knowing that she is happy with him, the man feels stronger and with more energy pounces on the unsolved problem.

Anything that can distract a partner from a problem or give her pleasure will help him a lot. Here are some examples of things you can do while he is in the cave:

The Martians also encouraged the Venusians to do something enjoyable. It was difficult for Venusians to feel happy when a loved one felt bad, but they still found a way out. Whenever one of the Martians dived into his cave, his girlfriend went on a shopping trip or did something else that gave her pleasure. Venusians love to shop. My wife Bonnie also uses this method from time to time. When she sees me rushing towards the cave, she arranges a shopping day for herself. I never have to feel embarrassed for the Martian side of my nature. When my wife can take care of herself, I don't have to worry about my solitude in a cave. Bonnie believes that I will return, and even more loving than before.

She knows when I'm in a cave it's not the right time to talk. Noticing in me the first glimpses of interest in her person, she understands that I am getting out of the cave, and then you can make contact. Sometimes she says, as if casually: "If you have a desire to talk to me, I will only be glad. Will you tell me when?" Thus, she scouts the situation, but gently and unobtrusively.

HOW TO GET A MARTIAN FEEL YOUR SUPPORT

Even outside the cave, men want to be trusted. They do not like unsolicited advice or sympathy. They have a need for self-affirmation. The ability to cope with problems without outside help is, so to speak, an extra feather on his hat. (But for a woman, such a feather is the help and support of a loved one.) A man feels the support of a woman when she makes him understand with her words and behavior: “I believe that you can cope with your problems yourself, and only if you really need my help you openly ask for it."

At first, it can be quite difficult to learn how to "shoulder" a man in this way. Many women believe that the only way to get what they want from a partner is to "pill" when he makes a mistake, and tips on what to do and how to do it. Women who did not have before their eyes the role model of a mother who knows how to get the necessary support from a man, it does not occur to them that they can induce a partner to give more by simply directly asking for this support - without "piling" and unsolicited advice. In addition, if what he does does not suit her, she can openly tell him: "I don't like it," without any hint that he is generally - so to speak, in life - a negative type or weakling.

Not realizing the extent to which "pilezh" and unsolicited advice turn a man away, many women do not know other ways to get what they need from him. Nancy experienced more than one disappointment in her relationships with men. “I still don’t know,” she complained, “how to approach a man with reproach or advice. Imagine that he does not know how to behave at the table, but dresses so disgustingly, just awful. Or let’s say he is a wonderful guy, but you see that he behaves with people in such a way that he is not worth a penny, and this greatly harms him. What should I do in such cases? Whatever I say, he is angry, defensive or simply ignores me.

The answer is: after all, to refrain from "piling" and not to give advice until he himself asks. Instead, let the man know that he is loved and accepted for who he is. That's what he needs, not lectures delivered in an edifying tone. Feeling that the partner accepts him with all his pluses and minuses, he begins to be interested in her thoughts on his own account. However, having caught the urgent desire to change it, he will not ask for advice or tips. A man - especially at the level of intimate relationships - requires a lot of self-confidence in order to take a step towards and ask for support himself.

So try to be patient, trust that your loved one will understand his mistakes and change for the better. But if he still does not satisfy your needs and desires, you can - and even should - talk about your feelings yourself and make appropriate requests (however, without "piling" and reproaches). This is a real art that requires a truly caring attitude towards a partner and a creative approach. Here are four options for the right actions in this regard:

1. A woman can tell a man that she doesn't like his way of dressing without lecturing. For example, while he is getting dressed, remark, as if by the way: “I don’t think this shirt suits you very well. Maybe today you will put on another one?” If he sees that the comment was not to his liking, show respect for the partner's touchiness and apologize - let's say like this: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lecture you on the culture of clothes."
2. If he really is so sensitive to this kind of remarks (and many men are), you can try to touch on this topic in some other way. For example: "Remember, that time you wore a blue shirt with green slacks? You know, I didn't like this combination. Maybe try with gray ones?"
3. You can ask directly: "Do you want to go shopping with me sometime? I really want to pick you up something new." If he answered "no", then he does not want you to motherly take care of him. If the answer is "yes", you can be sure that you did not hurt his sensitivity to tips and tricks too much. Remember: men are vulnerable creatures.
4. Finally, you can start like this: "You know, I would like to talk to you about something, but I find it difficult to approach this topic. (Pause.) On the one hand, I am afraid of offending you, but on the other hand, I really need to tell you this. . Could you listen to me and then tell me how best to express it? Such an introduction will help the partner prepare for the shock, and then with pleasure to discover that this is not such an important matter.

Let's take another example. If a woman does not like his manners at the table and the partners are alone at this time, without strangers, she has the right to allow herself to say (but by no means reproachfully): "Maybe you can use a fork?" or "Would you like to pour yourself a glass?" However, in the presence of others, it will be wiser to remain silent and generally pretend that you do not notice anything. And the next day, remind: "Could you use a fork in the presence of children?" or: "I can't stand it when you eat with your hands. Little things like that really affect me. When you and I are at the table together, could you use a fork?"

If you are uncomfortable with the way your partner behaves, wait until no one else is around and then tell them how it affects you. Just don't dictate to him how to behave, and you shouldn't "nag" either. Just be honest and open, but briefly and without irritation, talk about how you feel. For example: "You know, dear, yesterday at the party you spoke so loudly that my ears rang. Could you, when I'm around, speak a little more quietly?" If he frankly doesn't like your request, just apologize for the criticism and change the subject.

The art of conveying negative information to a man and getting support from him is studied in detail in chapters nine and twelve. And the next chapter tells you how to choose the right moment for such conversations.

When a man doesn't need help

As soon as a woman begins to calm a man or try to help him solve a problem, he usually begins to feel "under the hood": they do not trust him, consider him incapable of coping with problems on his own, he is controlled, he is treated like a child. It may seem to him that she is trying to remake him.

In fact, a man needs just such caring love. However, women should understand that love and care for a man, so to speak, reach their destination just when they are not expressed in the form of unsolicited advice and tips. He needs support, but not in the way she thinks. Refuse to try to remake a man (even if in better side), from "pilezh" (even with the best intentions) - yes, this is what you need. Giving advice is also yes, but only if he asks for it himself.

A man seeks advice or help only after he has exhausted his own possibilities. Receiving excessive or too hasty support, he loses confidence in his abilities and competence. Either his knees begin to tremble, as they say, or he becomes lazy and passive. Instinctively, men support each other precisely by the fact that they do not climb with help and advice, unless they are asked about it.

Dealing with this or that problem, a man knows that he must first go through a certain path himself, and only then, if he cannot do without outside help, can he ask for it without compromising his competence and dignity. An offer of help at an inopportune moment can be easily perceived as an insult.

When a man is busy butchering a Thanksgiving turkey and his partner pesters him with advice on what to cut and how to cut it, he feels distrusted. And, of course, he is angry: he is determined to go his part of the way himself. On the other hand, if a man volunteered to take care of a turkey, a woman should be pleased with such care and willingness to help.

When a woman advises her husband to call for help from a more experienced person, he may well be offended. I remember one woman kept asking me why her husband was so angry with her. She explained that before getting into bed with him, she asked if he had time to review his notes made while listening to the recording of my lecture on the secrets of good sex. She didn't understand how much she insulted him. The husband himself gave great importance these lectures, but did not want his wife to remind him to follow my advice. She had to believe that he himself knew what to do and how to do it!

Men need trust, women need care. When a man asks his girlfriend: "What's wrong, dear?", these words and the worried expression on his face act on her in the most beneficial way. But if a woman asks a man the same question and with the same expression on his face, he may be offended and feel humiliated: the partner does not seem to believe in his ability to cope with difficulties on his own.

It is very difficult for a man to draw a line between sympathy and pity. He cannot bear to be pitied. If a woman says, "I'm so sorry I hurt you," he's more likely to say, "Yeah, okay, nothing," and reject the support offered to him. She, on the contrary, is immensely pleased to hear such words from the lips of a man. Then she feels that he treats her really caring and gentle. Men must learn to express their concern appropriately, and women their trust.

Overprotection turns into a stranglehold

Early in our life together, when I had to leave town the next morning for another Saturday/Sunday seminar, Bonnie had always asked me what time I was going to get up the night before. Then - when my plane. Then, having mentally made some calculations, she warned that I would have little time left and I risk being late. And I thought that in this way it gives me support. However, for me it looked just the opposite. I got angry and offended. Before that, I had traveled all over the world for fourteen years, giving my lectures, and I had never missed a plane.

And in the morning, before I left the house, she literally bombarded me with questions: "Did you forget your ticket? Do you have your wallet with you? Do you have enough money? Did you put socks in your suitcase? Do you already know where you are staying?" It seemed to her that she was expressing her love to me, and I was angry. And one fine day I nevertheless told her that I appreciate her good intentions, but I do not like to be taken care of like a little child.

I noticed that if she wants to patronize me, then this guardianship, in order to become acceptable to me, must be expressed in unconditional love and trust. I said: “If I miss my plane, don’t tell me later: I warned you. Trust that I will learn this lesson myself and will act accordingly in the future. If I forget my toothbrush or razor, let it will be on my conscience. Don't tell me about it when I call." When Bonnie understood what I wanted and put herself in my place, it became easier for her to support me.

One success story

One day, on my way to Sweden for a seminar on family relationships, I called Bonnie from New York to California to tell Bonnie that I had left my passport at home. Her reaction was truly wonderful and dictated real love. My wife did not "nag" me for irresponsibility. Instead, she laughed and exclaimed, "Oh my God, John, you're always adventurous! What are you going to do now?"

I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate and the problem was solved. My wife acted promptly and sensibly. She never stooped to reproach me for negligence. She was even proud that I managed to extricate myself from a difficult situation so quickly.

On the Benefits of Some Small Changes

One day I noticed that when one of the children asked me to do something, I usually answered: "No problem." In my understanding, this meant that I would be very pleased to comply with the request. And then one day my stepdaughter Julie asked: "Why do you always say" no problem "?" And I couldn't find an answer. On reflection, I realized that this was another manifestation of deeply rooted Martian habits. And realizing this, he chose a different form of response to requests: "With pleasure." This phrase expressed what I, in fact, put into my answer, and, undoubtedly, my Venusian daughter, having heard it, felt much more loved.

This example can serve as a symbol of the secret of enriching relationships. It is quite possible, without changing oneself in the main, to make some small concessions. This was the secret of the success of the Martians and Venusians. None of them wanted to sacrifice their original nature, their essence, but they readily made and accepted various small changes in their communication. They learned that relationships can be greatly enriched, improved even from such a seemingly insignificant thing as the refusal to use any word or expression.

The important thing here is this: small concessions can have a very favorable effect on relationships. Major changes usually require us to suppress our self to some extent. And there is nothing good in such things.

Saying something encouraging to a friend before climbing into a cave is so little, and a man is not required to change his nature at all. In order to agree to this slight change in the usual course of things, a man must understand that a woman really needs to receive such an encouraging signal, especially if he does not want her to worry about him. Not understanding the difference between male and female perception, he will not guess why his sudden silence causes such anxiety in his partner. However, a smile, a gesture, a kind word can improve the situation.

Ignorance of this difference can lead to the fact that, seeing a partner upset because of his intention to hide in a cave, a man will stay outside and try to console his beloved. This is a big mistake. Refusing to visit the cave (and thereby changing his nature), he becomes irritable, overly touchy, weak, passive, may begin to snap, lie. And, worst of all, the man himself does not know why he became like that.

When a woman is upset about her partner leaving for the cave, instead of giving up his intention, he can change something a little - and everything will become much easier. At the same time, he does not need to either brush aside his own really existing need, or step on the throat of his masculine nature.

HOW TO GET A VENUSIAN FEEL YOUR SUPPORT

We have already talked about how, by going into a cave or by being silent, a man says, "I need some time to think about this problem, so please don't talk to me just yet. I'll be back." And at the same time, she doesn’t understand that a woman may well feel completely different: “I don’t love you, I don’t have the patience to listen to your chatter, I’m leaving and will never return!” To avoid this and tell her everything he needs, he must learn to pronounce the two magic words: "I'll be back."

When a man is about to leave for his favorite retreat, it will work very well for his partner to say out loud, "I need some time to think about this problem, but I'll be back" or "I need some time alone. I'll be back." It is simply amazing what a magical effect these, in general, the most ordinary words: "I'll be back."

Women appreciate this encouraging signal. Having understood to what extent it is important for a woman to receive it, a man will not forget it at the right time.

If a woman felt abandoned as a child - her father, say, ignored her or her mother, then, as an adult, she will be especially sensitive to the slightest manifestations of neglect. Therefore, she should never be judged for her need to receive the aforementioned encouraging signals. In the same way, a man should not be condemned for his need from time to time to retire to his cave.

If a woman is not so burdened by a sad past and if she understands the need for a man to visit a cave, the mentioned signals are not so necessary for her.

I remember once, when I was talking about this at a seminar, one of the women present objected: “My husband’s silence is very hard on me, but I never felt neglected, deprived of love and attention as a child. My father never allowed this and in his relationship with his mother. Even when they separated, everything was done in a kind way. "

And then the woman laughed. She realized how she had been fooled. Then she cried. Of course, her mother felt abandoned. And she herself too. Because her parents are divorced! And like her parents, she believed and claimed that everything was fine with them.

At the age when people are most prone to divorce, the encouraging signals given by a man become even more important. But not only a man can support a woman by making some minor changes in their lives. A woman should do the same.

How to communicate without reproaches and resentment

When a woman talks about her feelings (especially if she is upset and shares a problem), a man feels that he is being attacked, he is reproached. Not realizing to what extent men and women are different, he perceives his role as the object of her outpourings without much enthusiasm and does not even suspect how much she needs to discuss with him all her feelings to the last.

By understanding the differences between Martians and Venusians, and with proper practice, a woman can learn to express her feelings in a way that does not sound reproachful. To assure a man that there are no reproaches and there is no question, she can, for example, interrupt her narration from time to time to tell the man how much she appreciates his attention to her words.

Here are a few comments that might come in handy in a similar situation:

• "I'm so glad I can talk about it."
• "How nice to be able to talk about it!"
• "I'm so relieved that I can talk about it."
• "I'm so glad I can cry to you. It makes me feel much better."
• "Well, I spoke out, and I felt better. Thank you."

This little adjustment makes all the difference.

And here's another hint. Describing her problems, a woman can support her partner by saying how much she appreciates everything that he does in order to make her life easier and fuller. For example, complaining about work problems, she, as if by the way, remarks: "It's good that I have you! It's good to come home, where you are waiting for me!" Speaking of household chores, why not mention how quickly and well he fixed the fence. When discussing financial matters, you can say: "You work so hard that we have everything we need!" Complaining about the tricks of children, it is very opportune to emphasize: "How good it is that I can count on your help in everything!"

Responsibility in half

For the normal good communication participation of both parties is required. A man must remember that listing problems does not at all mean a reproach against him and that a partner usually talks about them just to unwind, to feel better at heart. And the woman, in turn, should try to convey to her partner through her complaints how much she loves and appreciates him.

Just as I was writing this chapter, my wife came in and asked how the work was progressing.

“The chapter is almost done,” I replied. – How was your day?

“Awful things to do,” she sighed. “We hardly saw each other today.

Before, I'd bristle right away and remind Bonnie how much time we spend together, or start arguing about the importance of finishing a book on time. Both would inevitably inflame the atmosphere.

But now, already aware of the differences between us, I realized that she needed not justifications and explanations, but approval and understanding. And so he said:

“You're right, we're both busy today. Sit on my knees, let me hug you. The day was so long!

Then the wife said:

- You are my good man.

I really needed this assessment to feel that I am exactly what she needs. Bonnie then complained that she had been torn apart all day and was terribly tired. She spoke for a few minutes, then stopped. During this pause, I suggested that she invite a nanny to the child so that her wife could rest and think until dinner.

Are you really going to invite a babysitter? she started. - It would be wonderful. Thank you!

It was another assessment, a sign of accepting me for who I am, and it helped me feel like a worthy partner, despite the fact that my life partner was tired, exhausted.

Women do not think about grades: in their opinion, a man knows how dear to her his attention and willingness to listen. But he doesn't realize. Therefore, when she talks about problems, he needs confirmation that he is still loved and appreciated.

Problems put a man in a bad mood, unless he himself is busy solving them. By expressing in one way or another that she appreciates him, a woman can help her partner understand that listening - just listening - is also support.

There is absolutely no reason for a woman to suppress her feelings or even change them in order to support her partner. But she should express them in such a way that he does not feel like an object of attack, accusations and reproaches. Small changes can achieve big results.

Four magic words for support

Four magic words that can support a man - "It's not your fault." When talking about her experiences, a woman can express her support for him by pausing in the presentation of events and saying: “I am so grateful to you for listening to me! And if what I say seems to you a reproach or accusation against you, then you know, I didn’t even have anything like that in my thoughts. It’s not your fault.

A woman can learn to be sensitive to her interlocutor when she realizes that, hearing about numerous problems, he perceives it as his own defeat.

Just the other day, my sister called me and began to talk about her current problems. And all the time I tried to remember the main thing: in order to support her, I should not offer her any solutions whatsoever. The sister just needed a listener. For ten minutes I did not interrupt her, only occasionally inserting: "Hmm", "Wow" or "Really?". Then the sister said, "Well, John, thank you. I feel much better now."

It was easy to listen to my sister because I knew she didn't reproach me. Someone else, yes, but not me. It is much more difficult for me when I see my wife upset, because in such a situation it is much easier to feel that it is me who is being blamed. However, when Bonnie encourages me to pay attention to her words with some kind of encouraging phrase, it becomes much easier for me to listen.

What to do if you want to "drank"

Another option is to pour out your feelings to someone on whom she does not hold a grudge and who is able to provide her with the necessary support. And then later, having again tuned in to the wave of love and forgiveness, the woman will be able to tell her partner about her feelings more successfully. In Chapter Eleven we will consider in detail what to do if this proves difficult.

How to listen without being offended

When a woman innocently talks about her problems, a man often takes offense at her for trying to judge him. This is very bad for their relationship, because it blocks communication.

Imagine a woman saying, “We just work and work and work all the time. There is no more joy or entertainment in our life. You have become so serious that there is simply no urine.” It doesn't cost a man anything to feel like an object of reproach.

And if so, then I suggest in a similar situation not to attack the partner with recriminations and not to say: "I think you are reproaching me."

Instead, I think it would be better to say: "I hate it when you say that I became too serious. Are you saying that I'm the only one to blame for the fact that we stopped having fun?"

Or: "It hurts me when you say that I got too serious and that because of this we do not have fun. Are you saying that this is my fault?"

You can also give her an escape route by saying, "You seem to think it's my fault that we work so hard. Is that true?" Or: "When you say that we're not having fun anymore and I've become terribly serious, I get the feeling that you're putting all the blame on me. Is that right?"

All of these responses are respectful and give the woman a chance to take back any reproach that her partner felt in her words. When she finishes, "No, no, I don't think it's your fault," he might feel better.

Another, very useful method is not to forget that a woman always has the right to be upset and worry, and that, having come out of this state, she experiences great relief. Knowing this allows me to relax and remember that if I learn to listen without taking anything personally, then, my partner, when she wants to complain, she will appreciate me. And even if she really reproached me for something, she will not insist on it in the future.

The art of listening

When a man has learned to listen and correctly interpret a woman's feelings, it becomes much easier for partners to communicate. Like any art, listening takes practice. Every day when I get home, I usually look for Bonnie right away and ask how her day was. This is how I practice the art of listening.

If she's upset or having a really hard day, I usually feel guilty at first, and therefore blameworthy. And the most important thing here is not to take what was said personally, to try to understand your wife correctly. I do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different languages. If I keep asking, “What else happened?”, it turns out that there are a whole bunch of problems bothering her. Gradually it becomes clear to me that I am not the only one responsible for Bonnie's experiences. After a while, when she begins to feel gratitude for what I listen to (even if I myself am partly to blame for her problems), the wife becomes the same: loving, tolerant, inclined to forgive.

Although the art of listening is important, a man is sometimes too resentful or depressed to "translate" the words of a girlfriend to himself. At such moments, it is better for him not to even try to listen, but instead to kindly say: "Now I have a bad moment. Let's talk later."

Sometimes a man does not understand that he is not ready at the moment to listen to a woman. If from her revelations he becomes very uncomfortable, then she should not continue: the further, the worse. And this will not benefit any of the partners. Here you can calmly and respectfully say: "I really want to listen to you, but right now it is very difficult for me to do this. I think I will need some time to think about what you said."

As Bonnie and I learned to communicate with each other with respect for our differences and with an understanding of our partner's needs, our life together became easier. Exactly the same changes I noticed in the examples of many thousands of people, both married and bachelors. Relationships flourish when communication reflects both a willingness to understand and accept a partner, and respect for how they differ from yourself.

If there is a misunderstanding between you, remember that men and women speak different languages; give yourself time to translate into your own language what your partner really means or wants to say. Of course, this takes a long time and a lot of practice, but, honestly, it's worth it.

What a pity that you do not understand me!
You've been walking in the country of lies for so long,
Where there is no happiness and the soul is bruised.

In the country of lies there is no happiness for anyone,
In the country of lies, there is only the ghost of happiness.
And the rain will shed in the coming bad weather
And wash away the lies of the despicable tinsel.

And I live in the land of the blind.
In the country of the blind, they always live with dreams:
We are not in love with those in front of us,
And in those who see us in blue dreams.

But thunder struck. And then fell
The curtain that separates our countries.
In the country of the blind, the ball is over,
In the country of lies, wounds are licked.

You are naked, like that king. My soul is empty:
Her idol fell off the pedestal -
You are not at all what I imagined.
But do not be executed - all this is nonsense!

Let's leave our countries!
Drop the lie like a shell!
She is fragile, you can't sit behind her.
After all, I am your friend, I will help you
With an open mind and a kind heart.

Once I showed this verse to a Kaluga poetess. She, taking it apart
said that the first phrase of this verse has long been beaten
and turned into a stamp. I decided to check - I did not read a single verse with this phrase - she herself came to me ...
But what was my surprise when the Internet gave me a whole series of poems with this phrase!
And beautiful poetry!
I did not rewrite my poem: since these poems live, let mine live too!
....... Further verses of various poets containing the phrase "we speak different languages"

We speak different languages,
We move away like the hands on a clock.
More and more rare kisses in a hurry,
Less and less joy from meetings in the eyes.
Do you think it's easier for us to leave?
Maybe it's easier for you.
And I'd rather leave and not say goodbye
What force to kill the love in yourself.
Than to wean painfully and for a long time,
Than to lie to myself that I no longer love,
To be afraid with all my soul thin,
That in this race I will not catch up with you ...
And be careful, only on your own
I can confess that you are still dear to me.
But I played a dangerous game with fate
And played it out. The final game has arrived.
And even the thought of you is so rare
Come to mind to me now.
Cigarettes do not go so fast
There is no hopeful look at the door.
You taught me to forget with you,
You taught you to love so sincerely,
Now I can smile without you
And even, maybe I can live without you.
How embarrassing, how funny and sad.
Call, walk, a couple of phrases and quick sex...
How you brutally kill this feeling
What lifted us recently to heaven!
But I'm not her, you don't have to
For show, portray that everything is okay.
And the door is open. You are no longer connected to me.
You can't glue broken love, glue won't help...
?? Elena

***
Dmitry Bukin

We speak different languages,
We hear each other, but we do not understand.
And, with lust, we listen to ourselves,
And with rapture we carry on our hands
Themselves. And in the hustle and bustle of the day
We utter a resounding tirade
And in it alone we find consolation,
We are proud of her and groom like a horse,
Who, without a saddle and without a bridle,
Carries us away, further and further apart.
And we, clinging to the withers from fear
We fly, losing feelings and dreams,
What warmed us when we were around,
Giving us joy, freedom and warmth,
Drunk us like expensive wine.
And the only question is: where did they go,
With a push, it suddenly brings us back,
To ourselves, to what is happening,
What day and night torments us with you.
And this childish, incorruptible look,
Who haunts us in our dreams
Like pain piercing the body with a sharp sting,
Like a wound inflicted by a dagger
With what we have in our hands now.
We speak different languages...
*******
Alexander Anashkin
/AND. AT./
Snow fell again - whiter than paper.
Above us day, and nowhere to go.
We ford a dry heart
as if the blood of the path remembers.

There are two needles inside any miracle:
one - cold and sharp - for a meeting,
the other, penetrating deeper, heals
separation, like a mental cold.

We speak different languages,
as if they lived in ancient Babylon.
But every snowflake in the palm of your hand
shrinks like time in old people.

****

We speak different languages.
I am the light of spring, and you are a tired cold.
I am the golden flower that is forever young
And you are the sand on the dead shores.

Beautiful is the distance of the boiling sea,
His play space is wide.
But the coast is dead. Wave washed sand.
Whistles, crunches, arguing with explosive moisture.

And I live. Like in fairy tales
The air garden is filled with fragrance.
The bee sings. My soul is rich.
We speak different languages.