“So you seem to be mean…
- Who? I? What?
- Duck von Petrovich just told you what you did with your loved one. I didn't even know you were like that! She left a good man - and for what? Flip-tail. Eh.

People gossip behind your back: it hurts!

I turn around and leave. Tears cover my eyes. And I feel his eyes on my back. Judgmental, hostile, full of hatred.

And it's not that I didn't quit, but RUN. And not that he is a good man only for friends, but for me at his house there was nothing left but aggression and irritation. And not even that ugly scar that keeps me from ever wearing a cleavage.

And the thing is this disgusting feeling - a burn of shame, as if someone had slashed me with a whip, and he left a crimson mark. But not on the skin, but on the soul. He burns and hurts.

For what? Where are these rumors coming from? Why does a person gossip about you? And what to do with it?

Why people gossip: the psychology and nature of gossip

It is reliably known that as long as a person exists, so much gossip exists. Gossips and gossips unite in hostility to a third person and wash the bones with pleasure. For the eyes, of course.

And all gossip is similar to each other. No, not a topic - gossip can be about work, personal life, and children. Rumors are about anything. But even though the topic is different, there is still a similarity: the truth is always distorted beyond recognition, on a small real fact there are some horrors. And sometimes, for no reason at all. People love to slander out of nowhere.

Interestingly, the participants in the conspiracy willingly believe such gossip as reliable news. They say, they are surprised, they condemn, they hate, they raise their hands to the sky with a dumb question “how can you do this?”, but they categorically believe. And it doesn’t even occur to them to check with the object of gossip whether this is true. They are already sure of it. And they already hate it.

The thing is that people love to gossip: this is how they remove their own problems a little. By discussing someone else's life, they make their own a little easier. And by sharing gossip in chatter with others, they reinforce this feeling. This is such a psychological phenomenon.

How to protect yourself from gossip?

To prove to people that this is all a lie and a slander is a difficult task. And even if you get a public apology for the slander, will that change the situation? Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, when we do not know, they will again sit down to gossip about us. So is it worth wasting energy on these gossip?

Another thing is that we can change our attitude to other people's gossip. This will be the real barrier. Not a conspiracy, not a prayer, but 100% self-protection from:

• corrosive shame;
• feelings of injustice;
• swollen nerves;
• spoiled mood;
• expelling anger.

Even if we don’t consider ourselves gossips, it’s still no, no, and we’ll discuss one of our acquaintances with a friend. Colleagues and mutual friends often become the object of gossip, and sometimes we talk about those whom we have not even seen: it is enough just to hear an interesting juicy detail of someone's life, and that's it - we are "carried". We usually do not think about whether this detail is true. However, the attitude to such conversations changes when we ourselves become the object of gossip that has nothing to do with reality.

It is unpleasant to realize that someone behind our back spreads false rumors about us. And if the truthful information that we would really like to hide suddenly becomes known to a wide range of people, we feel like we are “naked”, unprotected and betrayed. Everyone decides how to behave in such a situation.

Do you love to gossip?
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Some even stir up interest in their own person. Psychologists call this type of personality demonstrative. Constantly being in the spotlight is what matters most to them. This way people get confirmation that they are not bored.

We just need to learn how to get out of such situations with the least mental loss.

However, there are far fewer lovers of gossip “about their loved ones” than those who are very worried about slander against them. When they find out that someone is spreading false rumors about their personal lives, they begin to look for the guilty, experience anger, anger, aggression, delve into themselves and fixate on their own shortcomings. In the mind of most people who have become the object of gossip, two thoughts are spinning: “Who could say such a thing about me?” and “Suddenly everyone else will believe in these nasty things and stop talking to me?” Such a state can lead to a nervous breakdown, which ultimately will have a very negative impact on the psycho-emotional and physical health of a person. We just need to learn how to get out of such situations with the least emotional loss, so that someone’s inaccurately thrown words do not become a reason for taking sedatives and consulting a doctor.

So, if you saw that those around you abruptly fall silent when you enter the room, and then found out why this is happening, then you should not close yourself in or, on the contrary, wave your saber, looking for the guilty ones. Get smarter. And how exactly, our advice will tell you.

Do not arrange a public "debriefing"

The best way to show a sly gossip that he got what he wants is to show aggression and start to publicly find out who dared to say such nonsense about you and why he did it. Of course, you want to know who you “annoyed” like that, but it’s better to act differently. If you, furious, burst into the office where your colleagues are sitting, and begin to literally rush at everyone, pressing them against the wall, and growling, asking: “Is this you?”, then you will achieve nothing but a new wave of gossip. Believe me, now you will become a hysteric who, apparently, has something to hide. Otherwise, why react so sharply to the “harmless”, according to the gossip, news told by him to those around him?

Of course, you want to know who you “annoyed” like that, but it’s better to act differently.

Talking to a gossip

If you know exactly who is spreading false rumors about you, and you just need to find out why he is doing this, we still advise you not to talk to the lover of gossip alone. Let there be witnesses around, but in this situation you will behave extremely calmly and restrainedly. As we said, the main thing is not to show how much the very fact of gossip hurt you. Surprisingly, sometimes people do not even realize that they are hurting someone. Perhaps this is your case. Ask the “hero of the occasion”, where did he get such information from, what exactly did he mean by saying certain things about you. And never make excuses. will only make the situation worse. Be confident in yourself, let both others and the gossip see it. Typically, this behavior is confusing.

Don't react

If you have no desire to find out who is spreading rumors, or you know the name of this person perfectly, but understand that no talk will improve the situation, then the surest solution to the problem is to completely ignore it. Answer the questions of the curious with a smile and try to translate the topic, do not show that something offends you, do not gossip in response. The absence of any reaction on your part, in the end, will lead to the fact that the instigator will lose all interest and switch to another "victim".

Turn everything into a joke

Another way to discourage gossip about you and stop existing rumors from spreading is to turn them into a joke. The ability to laugh at oneself is very annoying for those who literally “feed off” human anger and aggression.

If you are not afraid to support the rumors around your person for some time, then feel free to be ironic about what they say about you.

99.9% certainty is not enough

If you are not entirely sure that the gossip spread about you is a complete lie, then it is better not to start a showdown. Of course, you think that you already know absolutely everything about yourself, but believe me: sometimes some nuances elude even the most attentive look. You could say something in the heat of the moment or do something when you were drunk. Therefore, first make sure that there is not a drop of truth in the rumors about you, and only then "go to battle." AT this case 99.9% probability is not suitable. You only need 100 percent certainty.

Gossip is the most accessible entertainment. One of the most important and, importantly, safe. Scientists see the phenomenon of gossip as the most important evolutionary mechanism.

When did gossip start?

Sociologists and anthropologists today no longer doubt that the phenomenon of gossip has accompanied humanity throughout its history. Moreover, Oxford psychologist Robin Dunbar concluded that gossip is the most important evolutionary factor that led to the development of the brain.

Dunbar believes that language itself arose from the need to spread gossip.

Dunbar is a specialist in human evolutionary psychology. He believes that gossip from time immemorial has made it possible to transmit vital information in human communities, to indicate who can be trusted and who is dangerous, and helped maintain ties between loved ones and relatives. It was gossip that helped create green spaces. different levels communications. Those who, for whatever reason, were discredited by gossip, remained outside the boundaries of the social group.

Gossip as a social tool

AT modern society gossip is still one of the essential elements social communication. According to estimates, more than 80% of everyday communication in labor collectives is gossip of one kind or another. As a rule, gossip does not carry an obvious applied load, but it is extremely important for the formation of a community.

Firstly, gossip is a simple, and most importantly, a safe form of adaptation of a person in a new environment for him. Through gossip, he can learn a lot about the "third", about his moral character, style of clothing, speech manner and other, at first glance, trifles, but in fact - strokes of the image.

In addition, the ability to form gossip is the essence of the ability to be creative. Gossip in the community becomes the fruit of co-creation.

Each team has a role model “chief gossip” (as a rule, “gossip girl”), they can condemn him behind his back and even laugh at him, but he will never be left alone. The gossip generator will always be in the spotlight. Unless, of course, gossip will remain at the proper level of truth.

Finally, gossip is an excellent tool for assessing employees in terms of stress resistance, which means it is a step towards their professional growth. To be able to recognize gossip about yourself with dignity and to “keep your head up” has always been appreciated. Those who are not concerned with gossip and who do not produce them themselves, as a rule, do not stay in collectives for a long time.

Gossip is like a drug

Psychoanalyst Virgin Miggle argues that the craving for gossip is formed in a person at an early age. With the help of gossip about other children, the child forms a complimentary field. Speaking about his peers is not always good things, devaluing them in the eyes of friends and his parents, the child defends himself, showing that he is not like that, that he compares favorably with them.

Telling gossip, the child unconsciously enjoys. Why is this happening?

This is answered by recent research. Experts from the University of Michigan concluded that gossip increases the levels of the so-called pleasure hormones, serotonin and endorphin, and has a beneficial effect on hormonal levels. Of course, everything is good in moderation.

gossip as therapy

A study was conducted at the University of California at Berkeley in 2012 in which a group of volunteers observed two players, one of whom was cheating. Those who noticed foul play experienced increased heart rate and increased activity in the tonsils, the emotional center of the brain.

Only after the participants of the experiment were able to warn the second player about the dishonesty of his partner, their heart rate was restored.

Robb Wheeler, one of the authors of this study, published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology, said: "Spreading the word about a person who violates social norms or rules helps gossips feel better."

The therapeutic effect is explained by the fact that a person who spreads rumors helps other people not to get into an unpleasant situation and not become a victim of scammers.

Wheeler also noted that not all rumors play a positive role. For example, celebrity gossip is not social and therefore has no therapeutic effect.

Gossip and vision

In 2011, an interesting study was published in the journal Science. American psychologists used the phenomenon of binocular rivalry to test the assumption that the faces of people with a bad reputation attract attention more than the faces of people with a good or neutral reputation.

To test this, studies were conducted with a group of subjects using a stereoscope and slides with photographs of people and conclusions about them of varying degrees of negativity.

The results obtained coincided with the expectations of the researchers. It turned out that the face longer dominates in visual perception if "negative" gossip is associated with it. All other types of phrases (positive and neutral gossip, negative, positive and neutral socially insignificant messages) did not increase the degree of dominance, as well as the novelty of faces.

Thus, reputation and gossip affect not only how we treat people, but also how we see them.

First of all, discussing a person behind his back allows you to feel more significant and authoritative in the eyes of the audience. This is also due to the usual envy, the desire to achieve the status of the person being discussed and the sublimation of one's desires in relation to him. Gossip about someone often increases the self-esteem of the gossiper and gives him the opportunity to grow in his own eyes, as well as gain ephemeral power over the reputation of the person being discussed.

People often justify their shortcomings with the help of gossip - after all, in others they are annoyed precisely by those qualities that they do not find (or do not recognize) in themselves.

Not the last reason for the discussion is the desire to please the interlocutor. Having shared a certain secret with someone, the gossip automatically becomes a person who owns important information that he decided to entrust to the interlocutor, thereby distinguishing him from the majority. The more gossipers spread rumors, the more confident they feel, maintaining their own egocentrism and often receiving appreciation for their knowledge of the personal affairs of certain persons.

The birth of gossip

Everyone has their own point of view, but not everyone wants to express it. Women and self-confident conceited people who consider it necessary to convey their royal opinion to those around them most often sin by discussing behind their backs. Gossip often plays the role of a kind of social “glue”, because with its help people who cannot always find common topics for conversation, realize their need for communication. Discussing someone, they most often find like-minded people and continue to slander in their close circle.

Usually, the person being discussed sooner or later finds out about the gossip spread around her - and then the gossip can suffer for his long tongue.

Psychologists recommend that the subjects of discussion ignore the gossip spread about them or turn to the gossiper in front of everyone, demanding confirmation of his accusations or fictitious facts. Active refutation or reciprocal gossip reduces a person to a loser, therefore it is advisable to perceive all negativity with humor and respond to everything with a regal condescending smile. Usually it is gossips most of all - after all, the original goal is not fulfilled, the object does not suffer, therefore, the gossiper himself turns into a powerless market woman who looks like a Pug barking at an elephant.

Probably, there is no person who has not become a victim of gossip at least once in his life. How to psychologically protect yourself from them?

Our expert is psychologist Olga Zingman.

Who is under attack?

Everyone reacts differently to gossip about themselves. There are people who even enjoy talking about their person. Psychologists call this personality type demonstrative. A person of such a warehouse longs to be in the center of attention at any cost. He believes that if they talk about him, then he is worthy of interest. Such people not only do not object to gossip, but sometimes provoke their appearance by telling something out of the ordinary or even shameful about themselves.

However, most people still worry because of slander against them. Two categories are especially vulnerable. First of all, these are pedantic people who “get stuck” on the negative. Upon learning that they are gossiping about him, such a person begins to think about it, cannot switch, and exhausts himself. The result is resentment, anger, aggression - extremely destructive emotions that can lead, among other things, to problems with physical health.

The second category - people anxious, not self-confident. They already have low self-esteem, and gossip deals an additional blow to it. Against the backdrop of slander, such a person should be rejected: “what if people hear all these nasty things about me, believe and stop communicating ?!”. Such experiences may well lead to a nervous breakdown.

We build protection

It is impossible to ensure that they do not gossip about you - it simply does not depend on you. It happens that a person, trying to stop gossip, stops telling anything about his life. And as a result, the conversations continue, only now they are not based on real events, but on ridiculous inventions, the creativity of which a science fiction writer would envy.

You should not try to shame the gossip, arrange a "confrontation" for him. Most likely, this will only lead to a new round of slander. Even worse is to make excuses, telling everyone that what was said is not true. Practice shows: the more a person concentrates on gossip about himself, the more vulnerability he shows, the more negative things they say about him behind his back. Therefore, the best thing to do is to pay less attention to "chatter". For this:

Pity the gossip. A person can have many reasons for talking nasty things about you. This is the desire to avenge something, and envy, and - in this case, speaking nasty things about you, he is trying to elevate himself - and simply a lack of bright events in life. Be that as it may, all this indicates inferiority, that a person is unhappy. It is worthy of regret, not anger or resentment.

Work with self-esteem. It is not necessary to make it high, the main thing is that it be more stable. Working with a psychologist will help to understand and evaluate yourself. If it is not possible to go to him, contact your relatives, relatives, friends. To those whose opinion is important to you and who treats you favorably. Ask them to talk about your strengths and weaknesses. Just make a promise to yourself not to be offended by anything - you are trying to understand yourself.

Use psychological techniques. It happens that, despite all efforts, gossip still "climbs" into the head. In such a situation, it will be useful to use this technique. Retire in a quiet environment and imagine how a tower is being built around you. Choose the material you like. It can be even concrete, even wood, even thin glass, but in any case, this material is magical: it is invulnerable to any blows, even to atomic explosion. And it also has the property, like police mirrors in detective films: from the inside you can see absolutely everything, but you can’t look into the tower from the outside. Build walls at arm's length, you should not be crowded in them. You can take into your tower those who are close and dear to you, put your favorite things there - in general, imagine that you are comfortable and good here. Now imagine the gossips. They are trying with all their might to get into the tower - they make tunnels, send arrows from a bow, throw stones, put dynamite ...

And nothing works out for them - because the tower is impregnable. This is the picture you should imagine every time you hear negative talk about yourself. Over time, you will stop paying attention to them, and life will become more harmonious.