Enchanting comedy

NINE PICTURES

WORKING:

Prisypkin - Pierre Skripkin - former worker, former party member, now groom.

3rd Berezkina is a worker.

Elzevira Davidovna - bride, manicurist, hair salon cashier

Rosalia Pavlovna - mother-hairdresser

David Osipovich - father-hairdresser

Oleg Bayan is a genius of homeowners.

Policeman.

Professor.

Director of the zoo.

Firemaster.

Firefighters.

The reporter.

Working audiences.

Chairman of the City Council.

The manager of the festival.

The Presidium of the City Council, hunters, children, old people.

I

The center is the revolving door of a department store, the sides are glazed, and overstocked display cases. They come in empty and come out with bags. Private hawkers are walking around the entire theater.

Button peddler

You shouldn't get married because of a button, you shouldn't get divorced because of a button! Press the thumb and forefinger, and the citizens' trousers will never fall off.

Dutch,
mechanical,
self-sewn buttons,
6 pieces 20 kopecks...
Please, monsieur!

Doll peddler

Dancing people
from ballet studios.
Best toy
in the garden and at home,
dances according to instructions
the People's Commissar himself!

Apple peddler

Pineapples!
There is not...
Bananas!
There is not...
Antonovsky apples 4 pieces 15 kopecks
Order it, citizen!

Whetstone peddler

German
shatterproof
whetstone,
30
kopecks
any
piece.
Sharpens
in any
direction
and taste
razors,
knives
and languages ​​for discussions!
Please, citizens!

Lampshade peddler

Lampshades
any
colors and suits.
Blue for comfort
red for voluptuousness.
Get settled, comrades!

Balloon seller

Sausage balls.
Fly without fear.
This would be
ball
General Nobile, -
they would be at the pole
stayed longer.
Take it, citizens...

Herring peddler

And here
the best
republican herrings,
irreplaceable
to pancakes and vodka!

Haberdashery peddler

Bras with fur,
fur-lined bras!

Glue seller

We have
and abroad,
and also everywhere
citizens
throw away
broken dishes.
Famous
Excelsior,
glue powder,
glues
and Venus
and a chamber pot.
Anything, madam?

Perfume Carrier

Perfume Kochi
on the spools!
Perfume Kochi
on the spools!

Bookseller

What does a wife do when her husband is not at home, 105 funny anecdotes of former Count Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy instead of twenty rubles - fifteen kopecks.

Haberdashery peddler

Fur-lined bras,
fur-lined bras!

Enter Prisypkin, Rozalia Pavlovna, Bayan.

Peddler

Bras...

Prisypkin (enthusiastically). What aristocratic caps!

Rosalia Pavlovna. What kind of caps are these, these are...

Prisypkin. Why am I without eyes, or what? What if we have twins? This is on Dorothy, and this is on Lilian... I have already decided to call them aristocratic-cinematic... so they will walk together. In! My house should be full. Seize it, Rosalia Pavlovna!

Accordion (giggle). Capture, capture, Rosalia Pavlovna! Do they have vulgarity in their heads? They are a young class, they understand everything in their own way. They bring you an ancient, untainted proletarian origin and bring a union card into your house, and you regret the rubles! Their home should be full.

Rosalia Pavlovna, sighing, buys.

Accordion. I'll tell you... they're light... don't worry... for the same money...

Toy peddler. Dancing people from ballet studios...

Prisypkin. My future offspring should be brought up in an elegant spirit. In! Seize it, Rosalia Pavlovna!

Rosalia Pavlovna. Comrade Prisypkin...

Prisypkin. Don’t call me comrade, citizen, you have not yet become related to the proletariat.

Rosalia Pavlovna. Future comrade, citizen Prisypkin, because for this money fifteen people will shave their beards, not counting the little things - mustaches and other things. Better than an extra dozen beer for the wedding. A?

Prisypkin (strictly). Rosalia Pavlovna! I have a house...

Accordion. His house must be full. And his dancing and beer should flow like a fountain, as if from a cornucopia.

Rosalia Pavlovna is buying.

Accordion (grabbing the packages). Don't worry, for the same money.

Button peddler.

You shouldn't get married because of a button!
You shouldn't get divorced over a button!

Prisypkin. In our red family there should be no bourgeois life and trouser troubles. In! Seize it, Rosalia Pavlovna!

Accordion. While you don’t have a union card, don’t irritate him, Rosalia Pavlovna. He is the winning class, and he sweeps away everything in his path like lava, and Comrade Skripkin’s pants must be full.

Rosalia Pavlovna buys with a sigh.

Accordion. If you please, I will report for the same...

Herring seller.

The best republican herrings!
Indispensable
with any vodka!

Rosalia Pavlovna (pushing everyone aside, loudly and cheerfully). Herring - yes! This is the thing you will have for the wedding. I’ll grab this! Come on, Monsieur men! How much does this sprat cost?

Peddler. This salmon costs 2.60 kilos.

Rosalia Pavlovna. 2.60 for this overgrown sprat?

Salesman. What are you, madam, only 2.60 for this sturgeon candidate!

Rosalia Pavlovna. 2.60 for these pickled corset bones? Did you hear, Comrade Skripkin? So you were right when you killed the Tsar and drove out Mr. Ryabushinsky! Oh, these bandits! I will find my civil rights and my herrings in the state Soviet public cooperation!

Accordion. Let's wait here, Comrade Skripkin. Why do you need to merge with this petty-bourgeois element and buy herring in such a debatable manner? For your 15 rubles and a bottle of vodka, I will organize a wedding for you.

Prisypkin. Comrade Bayan, I am against this bourgeois way of life - canaries and so on... I am a person with big needs... I am interested in a mirrored cabinet...

Zoya Berezkina almost bumps into the speakers, retreats in surprise, listening.

Accordion. When your wedding cortege...

Prisypkin. What are you talking about? What card?

Accordion. Cortege, I say. That’s how, Comrade Skripkin, every trip is called in beautiful foreign languages, and especially this kind of wedding trip.

Prisypkin. A! Well well well!

Accordion. So, when the cortege arrives, I will sing you Hymen’s epithalamium.

Prisypkin. Why are you talking? What other Himalayas are there?

Accordion. Not the Himalayas, but the epithalamium about the god Hymen. This was the god of love among the Greeks, and not among these yellow, brutal compromisers, the Venizelos, but among the ancient, republican ones.

Prisypkin. Comrade Bayan, for my money I demand that there be a red wedding and no gods! Understood?

Accordion. Why, Comrade Skripkin, not only did you understand, but by the power, according to Plekhanov, of the imagination allowed to Marxists, I see, as if through a prism, your class, sublime, elegant and delightful triumph!.. The bride climbs out of the carriage - the red bride... the whole red - it has evaporated, that means; she is brought out by her red-faced father, accountant Erykalov - he is just a fat, red, apoplectic man - it is the red best men who bring you in, the whole table is covered in red ham and bottles with red heads.

Prisypkin (sympathetically). In! In!

Accordion. The red guests shout “bitter, bitter,” and then the red one (now your wife) extends her red, red lips to you...

Zoya (confusedly grabs both of them by the sleeves. Both remove her hands, knocking off the dust with a click). Vania! What is it about? What is this cuttlefish in a tie talking about? What wedding? Whose wedding?

Accordion. Red labor wedding of Elzevira Davidovna Renaissance and...

Prisypkin

I, Zoya Vanna, I love someone else.
She is more graceful and slender,
and tightens the chest tight
Her jacket is exquisite.

Zoya. Vania! And I? What does this mean: I gave up and quit?

Prisypkin (extending his hand away). We parted like ships at sea...

Rosalia Pavlovna (rushes out of the store, carrying herrings over his head). Whales! Dolphins! (To the herring merchant.) Come on, show me, come on, compare your snail! (Compares; the herring is larger; throws up his hands) More by the tail?! What did you fight for, Citizen Skripkin? Why did we kill the Emperor and drive away Mr. Ryabushinsky, huh? Your Soviet government will dig me into my grave... A tail, a whole tail more!..

Accordion. Dear Rozalia Pavlovna, compare from the other end - it’s only bigger than the head, but why do you need the head - it’s inedible, cut it off and throw it away.

Rosalia Pavlovna. Did you hear what he said? Cut off the head. Cutting off your head, Citizen Bayan, will not reduce anything and cost nothing, but cutting off her head costs ten kopecks on the keel. Well! Home! I really need a professional union card in the house, but a daughter in a profitable enterprise is also not a bull on a stick.

Zoya. They wanted to live, they wanted to work... So that’s it...

Prisypkin. Citizen! Our love is destroyed. Don’t interfere with free civic feeling, otherwise I’ll call the police.

Zoya, crying, clutched her sleeve. Prisypkin breaks free. Rosalia Pavlovna stands between him and Zoya, dropping her purchases.

Rosalia Pavlovna. What does this scammer want? Why are you clinging to my son-in-law?

Zoya. He is mine!

Rosalia Pavlovna. Ah!.. She is with the child! I'll pay her alimony, but I'll break her face!

Policeman. Citizens, stop this ugly scene!

II

Young people's hostel. The inventor sniffles and draws. The guy is lying around; there is a girl on the edge of the bed. The bespectacled man buried his head in a book. When the doors open, a corridor with doors and light bulbs is visible.

barefoot guy (yells). Where are the boots? The boots were stolen again. Why should I take them overnight to the hand and foot luggage storage room at Kursky Station, or what?

Cleaner. It was in them that Prisypkin stomped to his camel on a date. I put it on and cursed. For the last time, he says. And in the evening, he says, I will appear in a renewed form, more appropriate to my new social status.

Barefoot. Bastard!

Young worker (cleans). And the rubbish after it became somehow noble, delicate. Before what? A bottle of beer and the tail of a roach, and now TEZHE jars and rainbow ribbons.

Young woman. Stop chattering, the guy bought a tie, so you’re already scolding him with McDonald.

Boy. McDonald is! It's not the tie, but the fact that it's not the tie that's attached to him, but the tie that's tied to the tie. He doesn’t even think - he’s afraid to move his head.

Cleaner. Covers holes with varnish; He was in a hurry, there was a hole in his stocking, so he was covering his leg with an ink pencil as he walked.

Boy. It’s black even without a pencil.

Inventor. Maybe the black one is in the wrong place. He needs to change his socks.

Cleaner. An inventor was immediately found. Apply for a patent. Be careful that the idea is not stolen. (He tosses the rag across the table, throws off the box - the cards fall apart like a fan. He bends down to collect them, holds them up to the light, bursts into laughter, barely summoning his comrades with his hand.)

All (reread, repeat). Pierre Skripkin. Pierre Skripkin!

Inventor. It was he who invented his last name. Prisypkin. Well, what is Prisypkin? Why Prisypkin? Where is Prisypkin going? Who wants Prisypkin? And Pierre Skripkin is no longer a surname, but a romance!

Young woman (dreamily). But it’s true: Pierre Skripkin is very elegant and wonderful. You are cackling here, and he may be carrying out a cultural revolution at home.

Boy. He has already surpassed Pushkin with his muzzle. The sideburns hang like a dog's tail, he doesn't even wash them - he's afraid of getting disheveled.

Young woman. Harry Peel also has this culture all over his cheek.

Inventor. It is his teacher who develops the hairy part.

Boy. And what kind of hair does this teacher have: no head, but as much curl as possible. Is it because of dampness that they start up?

Guy with a book. N-no. He is a writer. I don’t know what he wrote, I only know that he was famous! “Evening” wrote about him three times: he said he sold Apukhtin’s poems for his own, but he was offended and wrote a refutation. You are fools, he says, everything is wrong, I copied this from Nadson. I don’t know which of them is right. They no longer print it, but it is now very famous - it teaches young people. Some poetry, some singing, some dancing, some... borrowing money.

Guy with a broom. It's not a work thing to do - to make up for a callus with varnish.

The mechanic, greasy, comes in mid-sentence, washes his hands, and turns around.

Locksmith. He has nothing to do with the worker, he took the payment today, he’s marrying a girl, a hairdresser’s daughter - she’s a cashier, she’s a manicurist. Mademoiselle Elzevira Renaissance will now trim his claws.

Inventor. Elsevier - there is such a font.

Locksmith. I don’t know about the fonts, but its body is true. I showed the card to the accountant to speed up the calculations.

What a miracle, what a miracle, my dear,
some breasts are two pounds each.

Barefoot. Settled!

Young woman. Yeah! Do they take envy?

Barefoot. Well, me too, when I become a technical director and get daily boots, I’ll also sniff out the best apartment for myself.

Locksmith. I advise you this: get yourself some curtains. He opened the curtain and looked outside. He closed the curtain and took the bribe. It's just boring to work alone, but eating chicken alone is more fun. Right? These guys also ran from the trenches to get settled, but we spanked them. Well, let's go!

Barefoot. And I will go and go. Are you pretending to be Karl Liebknecht? Beckon you from the window with the flowers, I bet you’ll come down too... Hero!

Locksmith. I'm not going anywhere. Do you think I like this rag and stench? No. You see, there are many of us. You can’t prepare for all of us NEP daughters. Let's set up the houses and move right away... All at once. But we won’t get out of this trench hole with white flags.

Barefoot. Loaded - trenches. It's not nineteen now. People want to live for themselves.

Locksmith. What - not trenches?

Barefoot. You're lying!

Locksmith. Lice as many as you want.

Barefoot. You're lying!

Locksmith. And they shoot with silent gunpowder.

Barefoot. You're lying!

Locksmith. Prisypkin was already shot with a double-barreled eye shotgun.

Prisypkin enters in patent leather shoes, carries worn-out shoes by the laces in his outstretched hand, and throws them to Bosom. Bayan with purchases. Shields the breaking mechanic from Skripkin.

Accordion. You, Comrade Skripkin, don’t pay attention to these rude dances, they will spoil your emerging delicate taste.

The dorm boys turn away.

Locksmith. Stop bowing! You'll break the knob.

Accordion. I understand you, Comrade Skripkin: it is difficult, impossible, with your gentle soul, in their rude company. Another lesson: keep your patience intact. The most important step in life is the first foxtrot after marriage. It should leave an impression for the rest of your life. Well, go for a walk with an imaginary lady. Why are you knocking like you do at the May Day parade?

Prisypkin. Comrade Bayan, I’ll take off my shoes: Firstly, they squeeze, and secondly, they wear down.

Accordion. Exactly! So, so, with a quiet step, as if you were returning from the pub on a moonlit night in dreams and melancholy. So-so! Don't move your lower bust, you're not a trolley, but a mademoiselle. So-so! Where's the hand? Low hand!

Prisypkin (slides on an imaginary shoulder). It doesn't stay in the air for me.

Accordion. And you, Comrade Prisypkin, with a little reconnaissance, find the bra and, as if for a rest, rest your thumb, and the lady’s sympathy will be pleasant, and you will feel relieved - you can think about the other hand. Why are you shaking your shoulders? This is no longer a foxtrot, you have already deigned to demonstrate the Shimm “step”.

Prisypkin. No. This is how I... scratched myself while walking.

Accordion. Is it really possible, Comrade Prisypkin! If such an incident happens to you in your dance inspiration, you will roll your eyes as if you are jealous of the lady, retreat in Spanish to the wall, quickly rub yourself against some sculpture (in the fashionable society where you will move, there will be these sculptures and vases of different It's always pretty damn fancy.) Rub yourself, twitch, sparkle your eyes and say: “I understand you, treacherous one, you’re playing with me... but...” and start dancing again, as if gradually cooling down and calming down.

Prisypkin. Like this?

Accordion. Bravo! Fine! You have talent, Comrade Prisypkin! In the conditions of bourgeois encirclement and the construction of socialism in one country, you have nowhere to turn around. Is our Middle Goat Lane a worthy career for you? You need a world revolution, you need access to Europe, you just need to break the Chamberlains and Poincarves, and you will admire the Moulin Rouge and the Pantheons with the beauty of their movements. Just remember, and freeze! Perfect! And I went. These best men need an eye and an eye, before the wedding a glass deposit and not a drop of dew more, but the work will be done, then even from the neck. Orevoir. (He leaves, shouting from the door.) Don’t wear two ties at the same time, especially multi-colored ones, and cut it on your nose: you can’t wear a starched shirt untucked!

Prisypkin tries on new clothes.

Boy. Vanka, stop this bullshit, why are you so upset?

Prisypkin. It’s none of your damn business, dear comrade! What was I fighting for? I fought for a good life. There she is at my fingertips: a wife, a house, and a real life. I will always be able to fulfill my duty, in case of need. Those who fought have the right to rest by a quiet river. In! Maybe I’m elevating my entire class with my improvement. In!

Locksmith Fighter! Suvorov! Right!

I was walking on horseback
I was walking down
built a bridge to socialism,
didn't finish it
and tired
and sat down by the bridge.
The grass grew near the bridge.
Sheep are walking across the bridge.
We wish
very simple
relax by this river...

So, what?

Prisypkin. Yah you! Leave me alone with your rude propaganda... Wow! (Sits on the bed, hums to the guitar.)

On Lunacharskaya street
I remember the old house -
with a wide wonderful staircase,
with the most elegant window.

Shot. They rush to the door.

Guy (from the door). Zoya Berezkina shot herself!

Everyone rushes to the door.

Oh, and now they’ll cover it in a cell!

Quicker...

Quicker...

Quickly...

Prisypkin is alone, hastily packing his things.

Locksmith. Because of you, you hairy scum, such a woman was killed! Out! (He takes Prisypkin by the jacket, throws him out the door and then throws out his things.)

Cleaner (running with a doctor, holds and lifts Prisypkin, hands him a hat that has flown out). And with a bang, boy, you break away from the class!

Prisypkin (turns away and yells). Cab driver, Lunacharsky street, 17! With things!

III

Large hairdressing room. Sides in the mirrors. There are paper flowers in front of the mirrors. There are bottles on the shaving tables. To the left of the proscenium is a grand piano with its mouth agape, to the right is a stove that wraps pipes throughout the room. In the middle of the room there is a round wedding table. At the table: Pierre Skripkin, Elzevira Renaissance, two groomsmen and groomsmen, mother and father Renaissance. The imprisoned father is an accountant and the same mother. Oleg Bayan gives orders in the center of the table, with his back to the audience.

Elsevier. Shall we begin, Skripochka?

Skripkin. Wait.

Elsevier. Violin, shall we begin?

Skripkin. Wait. I wish to get married in an organized manner and in the presence of honored guests and especially in the presence of the person of the secretary of the factory committee, respected comrade Lassalchenko... Wow!

Guest (running in). Dear newlyweds, I generously forgive you for being late, but I am authorized to convey to you the marriage wishes of our respected leader, Comrade Lassalchenko. Tomorrow, he says, at least to church, but today, he says, I can’t come. Today, he says, is party day, and whether you like it or not, you have to go to the cell, he says. Let's move on, so to speak, to the next thing.

Prisypkin. I declare the wedding open.

Rosalia Pavlovna. Comrades and monsieur, please eat. Where can you find such pigs now? I bought this ham three years ago in case of war with either Greece or Poland. But... there is no war yet, and the ham is already spoiling. Eat, monsieur.

Everyone (raises glasses and glasses). Bitterly! Bitterly!..

Elzevira and Pierre kiss.

Bitterly! Go-o-o-ry-k-o-o!

Elzevir hangs on Pierre. Pierre kisses sedately and with a sense of class dignity.

The imprisoned father is an accountant. Beethoven!.. Shakespear!.. We ask you to depict something. It’s not for nothing that we celebrate your anniversaries every day!

Prisypkin. Don't trample the legs of my piano.

Bayan (gets up, sways and spills his glass). I am happy, I am happy to see the graceful completion of Comrade Skripkin’s journey, full of struggle, at this point in time. True, he lost one private party card along the way, but he acquired many government loan tickets. We managed to harmonize and link their class and other contradictions, in which one cannot but see, armed with a Marxist gaze, as in a drop of water, so to speak, the future happiness of humanity, which is popularly called socialism.

All. Bitterly! Bitterly!

Elzevira and Skripkin kiss.

Accordion. What capital steps we take forward along the path of our family building! When you and I were dying near Perekop, and many even died, could we have imagined that these roses would bloom and smell fragrant to us already at this period of time? When we were groaning under the yoke of autocracy, could even our great teachers Marx and Engels have dreamed, or even wistfully imagined, that we would unite with the bonds of Hymen unknown but great labor with defeated but charming capital?

All. Bitter!.. Bitter!..

Accordion. Dear citizens! Beauty is the engine of progress! What would I be like as a simple worker? Bochkin and - nothing more! What could I do as Bochkin? Moo! And nothing more! And as Bayan - as much as you like! For example:

Oleg Bayan
drunk with happiness.

And now I am Oleg Bayan, and I, as an equal member of society, enjoy all the benefits of culture and can express myself, that is, no - I cannot express myself, but I can talk, at least like the ancient Greeks: “Elzevira Skripkina, pass the fish to us” . And the whole country can answer me, like some troubadours:

To flush out your throat,
for grace and bliss
herring tail and a glass of vodka
We present it to Oleg.

All. Bravo! Hooray! Bitterly!

Accordion. Beauty is the mother...

Best Man (gloomily and jumping up). Mother! Who said "mother"? Please do not express yourself in front of the newlyweds.

The best man is pulled away.

All. Beethoven! Kamarinsky!

They drag Bayan to the piano. Accordion

Trams arrived at the registry office -
there was a red wedding...

All
(sing along)

The groom was in all his clothes,
a professional card was sticking out of the blouse!

Accountant. Understood! Got it! This means:

Be healthy, Oleg Bayanchik,
curly little ram...

Hairdresser (with a fork he climbs towards his mother’s position). No, madam, there are no real curly haired people now, after the revolution. A goffre chignon is made like this... Take tongs (twists with a fork), heat over low heat a la etoile (pokes a fork into the flame of the oven), and beat a kind of hair soufflé on the top of the head.

Planted. You insult my dignity as a mother and as a girl... Let me in... Son of a bitch!!!

Best man. Who said "son of a bitch"? Please do not express yourself in front of the newlyweds!

The accountant breaks up, singing along, trying to turn the handle of the cash counter, with which he turns like a barrel organ.

Elzevir (to Bayan). Oh! Play it, ah! Waltz “Makarov’s Longing for Vera Kholodnaya.” Oh, this is so charming, oh, this is just petite istoire...

Best Man (armed with a guitar). Who said "urinal"? I ask in front of the newlyweds...

Bayan separates and attacks the keys.

Best Man (looking closely, threateningly). Why are you playing on one black dice? For the proletariat, that means, half, and for the bourgeoisie, all?

Accordion. What are you, what are you, citizen? I especially try on white bones.

Best man. So, again it turns out that the white bone is better? Play for everyone!...

Accordion. Yes, I'm on everyone!

Best man. So, together with the whites, compromiser?

Accordion. Comrade... So this is... a procedure.

Best man. Who said "stupid"? For newlyweds. In!!! (He hits the back of his head with his guitar.)

The hairdresser puts the hair of his mother on a fork. Prisypkin pushes the accountant away from his wife.

Prisypkin. Why are you poking my wife with a herring in the chest? This is not a flowerbed for you, but a breast, and this is not a chrysanthemum for you, but a herring!

Accountant. Did you treat us to salmon? Have you treated me? Yes? And you’re yelling yourself - right?

In a fight they throw the gas bride onto the stove, the stove topples over - flames, smoke.

Screams. We're on fire!!! Who said “we’re on fire”?.. Fire! Salmon...

Trams were leaving the registry office...

IV

In the blackest night, a fireman's helmet glints from a nearby flame. There is only one boss. Reporting firefighters come and go.

1st fireman. Can't control it, comrade boss! No one called for two hours... Drunk bitches!! It burns like a powder warehouse. (Leaves.)

Boss. Why shouldn't he burn? Cobwebs and alcohol.

2nd fireman. It fades and the water dries up as it flies. The cellar was filled with water smoother than a skating rink. (Leaves.)

Boss. Did you find the bodies?

3rd fireman. One was loaded, the whole box was damaged. The beam must have been broken. Straight to the morgue. (Leaves.)

4th fireman. They loaded... one charred body of unknown gender with a fork in the head.

1st fireman. A former woman with a wire rim on her occipital bones was found under the stove.

3rd fireman. An unknown man of pre-war build was found with a cash register in his hands - apparently a bandit during his lifetime.

2nd fireman. There is no one among the living... Among the corpses, one is missing, so based on the lack of finding, I assume that he was burned due to trifles.

1st fireman. What illumination! It's like a theater, only all the characters burned down.

3rd fireman

A carriage carried them from the wedding,
carriage under a red cross.

The bugler calls the firefighters. They are under construction. They march through the theater, shouting.

Firefighters

Comrades and citizens,
vodka is poison.
Drunk
republic
they'll burn in vain!
Living with fireplaces
living with primus stoves,
you'll burn the house down
and burn yourself!
Random
dream -
cause of fires -
to bed
don't read
Nadson and Zharov!

V

A huge conference room reaching to the ceiling, rising like an amphitheater. Instead of human voices there are radio horns, nearby there are several hanging hands, similar to those protruding from cars. There are colored electric lamps above each socket, and a screen right under the ceiling. In the middle is a podium with a microphone. On the sides of the podium there are distributors and regulators of voices and light. Two mechanics - an old man and a young one - are fiddling around in a dark auditorium.

Old (blowing dust from the bells with a tousled feather brush). Today is an important vote. Lubricate and check the voting apparatus of the agricultural regions. The last time there was a hitch. They voted with difficulty.

Young. Agricultural? Fine! I'll lubricate the central ones. I will wipe the throat of the Smolensk devices with suede. Last week we started wheezing again. The service staff of the capitals need to tighten their grip, otherwise they have some kind of evasion: the right clings to the left.

Old. The Ural factories are ready. We'll turn on the metallurgical Kursk ones, they installed a new apparatus for sixty-two thousand votes of the second group of the Zaporozhye power plant. Nothing with them, the job is easy.

Young. Do you still remember how it used to be? Must be funny?

Old. Once my mother carried me in her arms to a meeting. There are very few people - a thousand people have gathered, sitting like parasites and listening. The question was somehow important and loud, and passed with one voice. My mother was against it, but she couldn’t vote because she was holding me in her arms.

Young. Well, of course! Bushcraft!

Old. Previously, such a device would not have been suitable. Sometimes, the first person needs to raise his hand in order to be noticed, so he pokes it under the chairman’s nose, brings both to the nostril, only regretting that it was not the ancient goddess Isis, otherwise he would have voted with twelve hands. And many were saved. They said about one that he spent the entirety of some important discussion in the restroom - he was afraid to vote. I sat and thought, the skin means it’s a service bank.

Young. Saved it?

Old. Saved it!.. Only they assigned me to a different specialty. They see the love for restrooms, so he was appointed there in charge of soap and towels. Ready?

Young. Ready!

They run down to the distribution boards and wires. A man with glasses and a beard, opening the door, walks straight onto the stage, with his back to the audience, raising his hands.

Speaker. Include all regions of the federation at the same time!

Senior and junior. Eat!

At the same time, all the red, green and blue lights of the audience light up.

Speaker. Hello! Hello! This is the chairman of the Institute of Human Resurrection speaking. The question has been published by telegram, discussed, simple and clear. At the intersection of 62nd Street and 17th Avenue of the former Tambov, a team breaking through the foundation at a depth of seven meters discovered an icy cellar covered with earth. A frozen human figure shines through the ice of the phenomenon. The Institute considers it possible to resurrect an individual who froze fifty years ago.

Let's settle the difference of opinion.

The Institute believes that every worker's life should be used until the last second.

The X-ray revealed calluses on the creature's hands, which half a century ago were a sign of a worker. We remind you that after the wars that swept over the world, the civil wars that created the federation of the earth, by decree of November 7, 1965, human life is inviolable. I bring to your attention the objections of the epidemic section, which is afraid of the threat of the spread of bacteria that filled the former beings of the former Russia. I proceed to the decision with full consciousness of responsibility. Comrades, remember, remember and remember again:

The lamps go out, a shrill bell rings, a resolution appears on the screen, repeated by the speaker.

“In the name of research into the labor skills of working humanity, in the name of a visual comparative study of everyday life, we demand resurrection.”

“Resolution of sanitary control points of metallurgical and chemical enterprises of Donbass. In order to avoid the danger of spreading the bacteria of sycophancy and arrogance characteristic of the twenty-ninth year, we demand that the exhibit be left frozen.”

Are there any other resolutions and additions?

The third screen lights up and the speaker repeats.

“The agricultural regions of Siberia are asked to be resurrected in the fall, after the completion of field work, to facilitate the presence of the broad masses of those who wish.”

The vast majority of iron hands are raised.

Lower! Who is for the amendment of Siberia?

Two rare hands rise.

The federation meeting adopted: “Resurrect!”

The meeting is closed!

Reporters rush in from two doors that have opened. The speaker breaks through, throwing joyfully in all directions.

Resurrect! Resurrect!! Resurrect!!!

Reporters pull microphones out of their pockets, shouting as they go:

1st reporter. Hello!!! Wave 472½ meters... "Chukchi News"... Resurrect!

2nd reporter. Hello! Hello!!! Wave 376 meters... “Vitebsk Evening Truth”... Resurrect!

3rd reporter. Hello! Hello! Hello! Wave 211 meters... “Warsaw Komsomolskaya Pravda”... Resurrect!

4th reporter. "Armavir Literary Monday". Hello! Hello!!!

5th reporter. Hello! Hello! Hello! Wave 44 meters. "News of the Chicago Council"... Resurrect!

6th reporter. Hello! Hello! Hello! Wave 115 meters... "Roman Red Newspaper"... Resurrect!

7th reporter. Hello! Hello! Hello! Wave 78 meters... "Shanghai poor"... Resurrect!

8th reporter. Hello! Hello! Hello! Wave 220 meters... "Madrid farmhand"... Resurrect!

9th reporter. Hello! Hello! Hello! Wave 11 meters... “Kabul Pioneer”... Resurrect!

Newsboys rush in with ready-made prints.

1st Newsboy

Defrost
or not to defrost?
Editorials
in verse and prose!

2nd Newsboy

World Questionnaire
on the most important topic -
about the possibility of skidding
sycophantic epidemics!

3rd Newsboy

Articles about the ancients
guitars and romances
and others
ways
fooling the masses!

4th Newsboy

Last news!!! Interview! Interview!

5th Newsboy

Scientific Bulletin,
please don't be scared!
Full list
so-called curse words!

6th Newsboy

Last radio!

7th Newsboy

Theoretical setting
historical question:
can
elephant
kill the cigarette!

8th Newsboy

Sad to tears
funny as hell:
explanation
the words "alcoholic"!

VI

Frosted glass double door, metal parts of medical devices shine through the walls. In front of the wall is an old professor and an elderly assistant, who still retains the characteristic features of Zoya Berezkina. Both are in white, hospital uniform.

Zoya Berezkina. Comrade! Comrade professor, please do not do this experiment. Comrade professor, there will be trouble again...

Professor. Comrade Berezkina, you began to live in memories and spoke in an incomprehensible language. A complete dictionary of dead words. What is "buza"? (Looks up in the dictionary.) Buza... Buza... Buza... Bureaucracy, God-seeking, bagels, bohemia, Bulgakov... Buza is a type of activity of people who interfered with every kind of activity...

Zoya Berezkina. This “activity” of his fifty years ago almost cost me my life. I even went as far as...attempting suicide.

Professor. Suicide? What is "suicide"? (Looks up in the dictionary.) Self-taxation, autocracy, self-promotion, self-densification... I found “suicide.” (Surprised.) Did you shoot yourself? Sentence? Court? Revolutionary Tribunal?

Zoya Berezkina. No I myself.

Professor. Herself? From carelessness?

Zoya Berezkina. No... From love.

Professor. Nonsense... From love you need to build bridges and give birth to children... And you... Yes! Yes! Yes!

Zoya Berezkina. Release me, I really can’t.

Professor. This is... As you said... Buza. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Buza! The society invites you to identify all the feelings you have in order to make it as easy as possible for the defrosted subject to overcome fifty years of suspended animation. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Your presence is very, very important. I'm glad you found and came. He is him! And you are her! Tell me, were his eyelashes soft? In case of breakdown during rapid defrosting.

Zoya Berezkina. Comrade professor, how can I remember the eyelashes that existed fifty years ago...

Professor. How? Fifty years ago? This is yesterday!.. How do I remember the color of the hair on the tail of a mastodon half a million years ago? Yes! Yes! Yes!.. Don’t you remember - he flared his nostrils strongly when inhaling in an excited company?

Zoya Berezkina. Comrade professor, how can I remember?! For thirty years no one has flared their nostrils in such cases.

Professor. So! So! So! Are you not aware of the volume of the stomach and liver in case of possible release of alcohol and vodka, which could ignite at the required high voltage?

Zoya Berezkina. How can I remember, comrade professor! I remember there was some kind of belly...

Professor. Oh, you don’t remember anything, Comrade Berezkina! Was he at least impetuous?

Zoya Berezkina. I don’t know... Perhaps, but... not with me.

Professor. So! So! So! I'm afraid that we're freezing him off, and so far you've been frozen out. Yes! Yes! Yes!.. Well, let's get started.

He presses a button and the glass wall quietly dissolves. In the middle, on the operating table, is a shiny, human-sized galvanized box. the drawer has taps. buckets under the taps. To the electrical wiring box. Oxygen cylinders. There are six doctors around the box, white and calm. In front of the box on the proscenium are six fountain washbasins. There are six towels on an invisible wire, as if floating on air.

Professor (moving from doctor to doctor, speaking). (To the first one.) Turn on the current at my signal. (To the second.) Bring the heat to 36.4 - fifteen seconds every tenth. (To the third.) Are the oxygen bags ready? (To the fourth.) Release the water gradually, replacing the ice with air pressure. (To the fifth person.) Open the lid immediately. (To the sixth.) Observe the stages of revival in the mirror.

The doctors bow their heads as a sign of clarity and go to their places.

Begin!

The current is turned on and they look at the temperature. Water drips. There is a doctor staring at the small right wall with a mirror.

6th doctor. Natural color appears!

Freed from the ice!

Breasts are vibrating!

(Frightened.) Professor, pay attention to the unnatural impetuosity...

6th doctor. Professor, an incomprehensible thing: with the movement of the left hand it is separated from the body...

Professor (peers). He became one with the music; they called it a “sensitive soul.” In ancient times, Stradivarius and Utkin lived. Stradivarius made violins, and Utkin did this, and it was called a guitar.

The professor examines the thermometer and the machine that records blood pressure.

1st doctor. 36.1.

2nd doctor. Pulse 68.

6th doctor. Breathing is balanced.

Professor. In places!

The doctors move away from the box. The lid instantly fell back, a disheveled and surprised Prisypkin rose from the box and looked around, clutching his guitar.

Prisypkin. Well, I got some sleep! Sorry, comrades, of course, I was drunk! What police department is this?

Professor. No, this is a completely different department! This is the separation from the ice of the skin that you have frozen...

Prisypkin. What? It was you who froze someone off. We'll see which of us were drunk. You, as specialist doctors, always rub yourself around alcohol. And I can always prove myself as an individual. I have the documents with me. (Jumps out and turns out his pockets.) 17 rubles. 60 kopecks with me. In MOPR? Paid. to Osoaviakhim? Contributed. “Down with illiteracy”? Please. What's this? Extract from the registry office! (Whistled.) Yes, I got married yesterday! Where are you now, who is kissing your fingers? Well, they’ll pour it into my house! The groomsmen's list is here. The union card is here. (Gaze falls on the calendar, rubs his eyes, looks around in horror.) May 12, 1979! That’s how long it took me to join the union! Fifty years! They will ask for information, information! Gubotdel! Central Committee! God! Wife!!! Let me in! (Squeezes the hands of those around him and rushes through the door.)

Behind him is a worried Berezkina. The doctors surround the professor. Six doctors and a professor wash their hands thoughtfully.

In chorus. What was he doing with his hands? Poked and shook, shook and poked...

Professor. In ancient times there was such an unsanitary custom.

Six doctors and a professor wash their hands thoughtfully.

Prisypkin (bumping into Zoya). What kind of citizens are you, exactly? Who am I? Where I am? Aren't you going to be Zoya Berezkina's mother?

The roar of a siren turned Prysypkin's head.

Where am I? Where did they take me? What is this?.. Moscow?.. Paris?? NY?! Cab!!!

The roar of car sirens.

No people, no horses! Highways, highways, highways!!! (Presses against the door, scratches his back, searches with his fingers, turns around, sees a bug crawling from his collar on the white wall.) Bedbug, bug, bug!!! (Picks the guitar, sings.) Don’t go, stay with me... (Catches a bug with his fingers; the bug crawled away.) We separated like ships at sea... Crawled away!.. Alone! But there is no answer to me, I am alone again... Alone!!! Cab driver, highways... Lunacharsky Street, 17! Without things!!! (He grabs his head and faints into the arms of Berezkina, who runs out of the door.)

VII

The middle of the stage is a triangle of a square. There are three artificial trees in the park. First tree: there are huge plates on green leaf squares, tangerines on the plates. The second tree is paper plates, with apples on the plates. The third - green, with Christmas tree cones - open bottles of perfume. Sides - glass and tiled walls of houses. On the sides of the triangle there are long benches. A reporter enters, followed by four men: men and women.

The reporter. Comrades, here, here! Into the shadows! I will tell you in order all these gloomy and amazing incidents. First of all... Pass me the tangerines. The city government is doing the right thing in that today the trees are producing tangerines, but yesterday there were only pears - and not juicy, not tasty, and not nutritious...

A girl removes a plate of tangerines from a tree; those sitting peel and eat, leaning curiously towards the reporter.

1st man. Well, quickly, comrade, tell everything in detail and in order.

The reporter. So... What juicy slices! Would you like?. Okay, okay, I'll tell you. Just think, impatience! Of course, I, as the president of the report, know everything... So, you see, you see?

A man with a doctor's box of thermometers walks by quickly.

This is a vet. The epidemic is spreading. Left alone, this resurrected mammal interacted with all of the skyscraper's pets, and now all the dogs went berserk. It taught them to stand on their hind legs. Dogs do not bark or play, but only serve. The animals pester all the diners, fawn over them and fawn over them. Doctors say that people bitten by such animals will acquire all the primary signs of epidemic sycophancy.

Seated. Ooo!!!

The reporter. Look, look!

A staggering man passes, laden with baskets of beer bottles.

Passing
(hums)

In the nineteenth century
people lived wonderfully -
drank vodka, drank beer,
the blue nose hung like a plum!

The reporter. Look, a complete, sick man! This is one of one hundred and seventy-five workers of the second medical laboratory. In order to facilitate the transitional existence, doctors ordered that the resurrected mammal be given a mixture that was poisonous in large doses and disgusting in small doses, so-called beer. They became dizzy from the toxic fumes, and mistakenly took a sip of this cool mixture. And since then the third batch of workers has been replaced. Five hundred and twenty workers are in hospitals, but the terrible epidemic of the three-mountain plague is foaming, seething and shaking their legs.

Seated. Ah-ah-ah!!!

Man (dreamy and languidly). I would sacrifice myself to science - let them inoculate me with this mysterious disease too!

The reporter. Ready! And this one is ready! Quiet... Don't scare off this sleepwalker...

A girl walks by, her legs intertwined in the “steps” of the foxtrot and Charleston, muttering poems from a book in two fingers of her outstretched hand. Hold an imaginary rose in two fingers of the other hand, bring it to the nostrils and inhale.

Unhappy, she lives next to him, with this mad mammal, and at night, when the city is sleeping, guitar rumbles began to reach her through the wall, then long, heartbreaking gasps and sobs in a sing-song voice, what do they call it? "Romances", or what? Further - more, and the unfortunate girl began to go crazy. Grief-stricken parents hold consultations. Professors say that these are attacks of acute “falling in love” - this is the name of the ancient disease, when human sexual energy, rationally distributed throughout life, suddenly condenses into a week in one inflammatory process, leading to reckless and incredible actions.

Girl (covers her eyes with her hands). I’d rather not look, I can feel these terrible germs in love spreading through the air.

The reporter. Ready, and this one is ready... The epidemic is oceanic...

30 girls are dancing.

Look at this thirty-headed, sixty-legged thing! Just think - and they (to the audience) called this raising of the legs art!

Foxtroting couple.

The epidemic has reached... reached... what has it reached? (Looks in the dictionary.) Before a-po-gay, well... it’s already a bisexual quadruped.

The director of the zoo runs in with a small glass casket in his hands. Behind the director is a crowd armed with spotting scopes, cameras and fire escapes.

Director (to everyone). Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Where is he? Oh, you didn't see anything!! A detachment of hunters reported that he was seen here a quarter of an hour ago: he was moving to the fourth floor. Considering his average speed to be an hour and a half meters, he could not have gone far. Comrades, immediately examine the walls!

Observers unscrew the pipes, jump up from the benches, peer, shielding their eyes. The director distributes groups and leads searches

Will you ever find him!.. You need to put a naked man on a mattress in every window - he runs towards the person...

Don't yell, you'll scare them away!!!

If I find it, I won't give it to anyone...

Don't you dare: he is a communal asset...

Binoculars and pipes are placed at one point. Silence interrupted by the clicking of photo and film cameras.

Professor (in a strangled whisper). Yes... It's him! Set up ambushes and guards. Firefighters, over here!!!

People with nets surround the place. Firefighters unscrew the ladder, people climb in single file.

They unscrew the ladder in front of the second wall and climb up. The audience freezes.

Director

Hurry!!! Be careful!!! Don't miss, don't remember the animal's paws...

The beast is passed down the stairs from hand to hand, finally ending up in the director’s hands. The director hides the animal in a casket and raises the casket above his head.

Thank you, invisible workers of science! Our zoological garden is happy, masterpiece... We caught a rare specimen of an insect that was extinct and most popular at the beginning of the century. Our city can be proud - scientists and tourists will flock to us... Here, in my hands, is the only living “clopus normalis”. Step aside, citizens: the animal has fallen asleep, the animal has crossed its paws, the animal wants to rest! I invite you all to the grand opening of the zoo. The most important, most disturbing act of capture has been completed!

VIII

Smooth opal, translucent walls of the room. From above, because of the cornice, there is an even strip of bluish light. There is a large window on the left. There is a working drawing table in front of the window. Radio. Screen. Three or four books. On the right, a bed pulled out of the wall, on the bed, under the cleanest blanket, is the dirtiest Prisypkin. Fans. The corner around Prisypkin is dirty. There are cigarette butts and overturned bottles on the table. There is a piece of pink paper on the lamp. Prisypkin groans. The doctor paces nervously around the room.

Professor (included) . How is the patient doing?

Doctor. I don’t know the patient, but mine are disgusting! If you don't arrange a shift every half hour, he will re-infect everyone. The way he breathes makes my legs give way! I’ve already installed seven fans to speed up breathing.

Prisypkin. Ooo!

The professor rushes to Prisypkin.

Professor, oh professor!!!

The professor sniffles and recoils in dizziness, catching the air with his hands.

Get hungover...

The professor pours beer into the bottom of the glass and serves it.

(raises himself on his elbows. Reproachfully.) Resurrected... and mocked! What is this to me - like lemonade to an elephant!..

Professor. Society hopes to develop you into a human being.

Prisypkin. To hell with you and your society! I didn't ask you to resurrect me. Freeze me back! In!!!

Professor. I do not understand what you're saying! Our life belongs to the collective, and neither I nor anyone else can live this life...

Prisypkin. What kind of life is this when you can’t even pin the card of your beloved girl to the wall? All the buttons break off on the damned glass... Comrade professor, give me a hangover.

Professor (pours a glass). Just don't breathe in my direction.

Zoya Berezkina comes in with two stacks of books. The doctors talk to her in a whisper and leave.

Zoya Berezkina (sits down near Prisypkin, unpacks books). I don't know if this will be useful. What you were talking about doesn’t exist, and no one knows about it. There are things about roses only in gardening textbooks, there are dreams only in medicine, in the dream department. Here are two most interesting books from around that time. Translation from English: Hoover - “How I Was President.”

Prisypkin (takes the book and throws it away). No, this is not for the heart, you need something that will freeze...

Zoya Berezkina. Here is the second one - from some Mussolini: “Letters from Exile.”

Prisypkin (takes it, throws it away). No, this is not for the soul. Leave me alone with your rude propaganda. It needs to sting...

Zoya Berezkina. I don't know what this is? It froze, pinched... pinched, froze...

Prisypkin. What is this? Why did we try, shed blood, when I, the hegemon, therefore, in my society, in the newly learned dance, cannot even dance?

Zoya Berezkina. I showed your body movements even to the director of the Central Institute of Movements. He says that he saw this in old collections of Parisian postcards, but now, he says, there is no one to ask about this. There are a couple of old women who remember, but cannot show it for rheumatic reasons.

Prisypkin. So why did I develop a consistent elegant education for myself? I could work even before the revolution.

Zoya Berezkina. I will take you tomorrow to a dance of ten thousand men and women, they will move around the square. This will be a fun rehearsal for the new field work system.

Prisypkin. Comrades, I protest!!! I didn’t freeze to death so that you could dry me out now. (He tears off the blanket, jumps up, grabs a folded pile of books and shakes it out of the paper. He wants to tear the paper and suddenly peers at the letters, running from lamp to lamp.) Where? Where did you get this?

Zoya Berezkina. They handed them out to everyone on the streets... They must have put them in the books in the library.

Prisypkin. Saved!!! Hooray!!! (Rushes to the door, waving a piece of paper like a flag.)

Zoya Berezkina (one). I lived fifty years in the future, but I could have died fifty years ago because of such scum.

IX

Zoological garden. In the middle on the pedestal is a cage draped with fabrics and flags. Behind the cage are two trees. Behind the trees are cages of elephants and giraffes. To the left of the cell is a tribune, to the right is a dais for honored guests. There are musicians all around. Spectators come up in groups. Stewards with bows arrange those who come up - according to occupation and height.

Manager. Comrade foreign correspondents, here! Closer to the stands! Step aside and give space to the Brazilians! Their airship is now landing at the central airfield. (Moves away and admires.)

Comrades blacks, stand interspersed with the English in beautiful colored groups, Anglo-Saxon whiteness will further set off your olive complexion... University students, to the left, three old women and three old men from the Union of Centenarians are directed towards you. They will supplement the professors' explanations with eyewitness accounts.

Old men and women drive in in wheelchairs.

1st old woman. As I remember now...

1st old man. No - I remember that as now!

2nd old woman. You remember how it is now, but I remember how it was before.

2nd old man. And I remember it now, just like before.

3rd old woman. And I remember how even earlier, very, very early.

3rd old man. And I remember both now and before.

Manager. Quiet, eyewitnesses, don't lisp! Make way, comrades, for the children! Here, comrades! Quicker! Hurry!!

Children
(They march in a column with a song)

We're great
learning
to the former “yat”!
But we
and the best
we know how
walk.
X's
and games
for a long time
delivered.
Let's go
there,
where are the tigers
and where
elephants!
Here,
where there are many animals,
And we
with people
to the garden
zoology
let's go!
let's go!!
let's go!!!

Manager. Citizens who want to enjoy the exhibits, as well as use them for scientific purposes, prefer to purchase dosed exotic products and scientific instruments only from official zoo employees. Amateurism and hyperbole in doses are lethal. Please use only these products and devices produced by the Central Medical Institute and City Precision Mechanics Laboratories.

Case -
time,
fun -
hour!
Hello to you
from the city,
brave catchers!
We are you
proud
We -
city ​​fathers!!!

May the souls and hearts of our youth be tempered by these ominous examples!

I cannot help but express my gratitude and give the floor to our illustrious director, who unraveled the meaning of strange phenomena and made a scientific and fun pastime out of harmful phenomena.

Everyone shouts “hurray,” music plays, and the bowing director of the zoo climbs onto the podium.

Director. Comrades! I am delighted and humbled by your attention. Taking into account my participation, I still cannot help but express gratitude to the devoted workers of the hunters’ union, who are the direct heroes of the capture, as well as to the respected professor of the Institute of Resurrection, who overcame freezing death. Although I cannot help but point out that the first mistake of the respected professor was an indirect cause of famous disasters. Based on external mimicry features - calluses, clothing, etc. - the respected professor mistakenly classified the defrosted mammal as “Homo sapiens” and its highest species - the worker class. I don’t attribute success solely to my long history with animals and insight into their psychology. Chance helped me. A vague, subconscious hope repeated: “Write, give, publish advertisements.” And I gave:

“Based on the principles of the zoo, I am looking for a living human body for constant nibbling and for the maintenance and development of a newly acquired insect in its usual, normal conditions.”

Director. I understand that horror, I myself did not believe my own absurdity, and suddenly... the creature appears! His appearance is almost human... Well, that's how you and I are...

Chairman of the board (rings the bell). Comrade Director, I call you to order!

There are two of them - different sizes, but essentially the same: these are the famous “clopus normalis” and ... and “philistines vulgaris”. Both are found in the musty mattresses of time.

"Clopus normalis", having grown fat and drunk on the body of one person, falls under the bed.

“Observerius vulgaris”, having grown fat and drunk on the body of all humanity, falls onto the bed. It makes all the difference!

When the working humanity of the revolution combed itself and writhed, scraping off the dirt from itself, they built nests and houses for themselves in this very dirt, beat their wives and swore by Bebel, and rested and were content in the tents of their own riding breeches. But “philistineus vulgaris” is worse. With his monstrous mimicry, he lures those being bitten, pretending to be either a poetic cricket or a romance-voiced bird. In those days, even their clothes were mimicking - a bird's appearance - a lionfish and a tailed tailcoat with a white, white starched breast. Such birds made nests in theater boxes, piled up on the oak trees of opera houses, scratched their legs during the International in ballets, hung from the branches of lines, cut Tolstoy's hair like Marx, wailed and barked in outrageous numbers and... excuse the expression, but we are on a scientific level report... they crap in quantities that cannot be considered as a minor bird nuisance.

Comrades! However... see for yourself!

He makes a sign, the servants expose the cage; on the pedestal is a bedbug casket, behind it is a raised platform with a double bed. Prisypkin is on the bed with a guitar. A yellow lampshade hangs from the top of the cage. Above Prisypkin’s head there is a shining corolla - a fan of postcards. Bottles stand and lie on the floor. The cage is surrounded by spit urns. There are inscriptions on the walls of the cage, filters and ozonizers on the sides. Captions: 1. “Caution - it spits!” 2. “Do not enter without a report!” 3. “Take care of your ears - it’s expressing itself!” The music played the carcass; Bengal lighting: the crowd that has flown away is approaching, numb with delight.

Prisypkin

On Lunacharskaya street
I remember the old house -
with a wide dark staircase,
with a curtained window!..

Director. Comrades, come over, don’t be afraid, it’s completely peaceful. Come, come! Don't worry: four filters on the sides block expressions on the inside of the cage, and a few, but quite worthy words, come out. The filters are cleaned daily by special attendants wearing gas masks. Look, it will now be so-called “smoking”.

Director. Don't be afraid - now it will be so-called "inspired". Skripkin, knock it over!

Skripkin reaches for a bottle of vodka.

Director. Comrades, this is not scary at all: it’s manual! Look, I’ll take him to the podium now. (He goes to the cage, puts on gloves, examines the pistols, opens the door, takes Skripkin out, puts him on the podium, turns him to face the seats of the guests of honor.) Well, say something short, imitating human expression, voice and language.

Skripkin (becomes obediently, coughs, raises his guitar and suddenly turns around and glances at the audience). Skripkin's face changes and becomes enthusiastic. Skripkin pushes the director away, throws his guitar and yells into the audience). Citizens! Brothers! Their! Native! Where? How many of you?! When did you all get unfrozen? Why am I alone in a cage? Dear brothers, come to me! Why am I suffering?! Citizens!..

Muzzle... muzzle him...

Oh, what horror!

Professor, stop it!

Oh, just don't shoot!

The director with a fan, accompanied by two attendants, runs onto the stage. The servants pull Skripkin away. The director ventilates the podium. Music plays touch. The servants close the cage.

Director. Sorry, comrades... Sorry... The insect is tired. The noise and lighting plunged him into a state of hallucination. Calm down. There is nothing like that. Tomorrow it will calm down... Quietly, citizens, disperse, see you tomorrow.

Music, march!

End

Goodbye (French - Au revoir). charming (French - charmant). little story (French - petite histoire).

Description of the presentation by individual slides:

1 slide

Slide description:

2 slide

Slide description:

In the play “The Bedbug” of 1929, the poet declares an irreconcilable war on philistinism in all its manifestations. The microbe of philistinism, satirically exposed in the play, is presented as an anti-human, anti-social force, terrible in its ability to infect society. The microbe of philistinism, satirically exposed in the play, is presented as an anti-human, anti-social force, terrible in its ability to infect society.

3 slide

Slide description:

Enchanting comedy by V.V. Mayakovsky's "The Bedbug" is dedicated to one of the central themes of his mature work - criticism of philistinism, exposing its base essence. The list of characters in the work is indicative in this regard. The main character has two names. One mundane, ordinary thing (Prisypkin). And the other is refined, sophisticated (Pierre Skripkin).

4 slide

5 slide

Slide description:

Work on “The Bedbug” was grueling; Mayakovsky worked around the clock and hardly slept. But the work exhausted him not only physically, but also because the play was a variation of the main theme of his work - and now this theme was manifested in full force for the first time in many years.

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If the bug is a metaphor for Prisypkin, then Prisypkin is a caricature of Mayakovsky, a poet who, because of his dreams of “unthinkable love,” suffers for all of humanity. To emphasize this parallel, Mayakovsky insisted that the leading actor learn to imitate his mannerisms. “The Bedbug” is settling scores with the dreams of youth about a bright future and saving love.

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The play takes place in Tambov: the first three paintings - in 1929, the remaining six paintings - in 1979. The main character is a lover of drinking and strumming the guitar, a tearful holder of a party card, a former worker, Prisypkin is a vulgarized version of a Soviet citizen." Ivan Prisypkin, who renamed himself Pierre Skripkin for the sake of euphony in order to marry the manicurist and cashier Elzevira Renaissance, abandons his old love, worker Zoya Berezkina, and she, in despair, tries to commit suicide. At the wedding being celebrated in the hairdresser's, a fire breaks out, and that's it die.

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With his future mother-in-law Rosalia Pavlovna, who “needs a professional ticket in the house,” Pierre Skripkin walks around the square in front of a huge department store, buying from hawkers everything he thinks is necessary for a future family life: a toy “dancing people from ballet studios,” a bra, taken by him as a cap for a possible future twins, etc.

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Oleg Bayan (formerly Bochkin), for fifteen rubles and a bottle of vodka, undertakes to organize a real red labor wedding for Prisypkin - a class, sublime, elegant and delightful celebration. Their conversation about the future wedding is overheard by Zoya Berezkina, a worker and Prisypkin’s former lover. In response to Zoya's puzzling questions, Prisypkin explains that he loves someone else. Zoya is crying.

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The inhabitants of the youth workers' hostel discuss Prisypkin's marriage to the hairdresser's daughter and the change of his surname. Many people condemn him, but some understand him - this is not 1919, people want to live for themselves. Bayan teaches Prisypkin good manners: how to dance the foxtrot (“don’t move your lower bust”), how to scratch yourself unnoticed while dancing, and also gives him other useful advice: don’t wear two ties at the same time, don’t wear a starched shirt untucked, etc. Suddenly the sound of a shot is heard - it is Zoya Berezkina who shot herself.

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At the wedding of Pierre Skripkin and Elzevira Renaissance, Oleg Bayan makes a solemn speech, then plays the piano, everyone sings and drinks. The best man, defending the dignity of the newlywed, starts quarrel after quarrel, a fight breaks out, the stove overturns, and a fire breaks out. Arriving firefighters are missing one person, the rest all die in the fire.

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Fifty years later, at a depth of seven meters, a team digging a trench for the foundation discovers a frozen human figure covered with earth. The Institute of Human Resurrection reports that calluses were found on the hands of an individual, which in the past were a sign of workers. A vote is held among all regions of the federation of the earth, a decision is made by a majority vote: in the name of researching the labor skills of working humanity, the individual is to be resurrected. This individual turns out to be Prisypkin. The entire world press reports with delight about his upcoming resurrection.

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The news is reported by correspondents of “Chukotskie Izvestia”, “Warshavskaya Komsomolskaya Pravda”, “Izvestia of the Chicago Council”, “Roman Krasnaya Gazeta”, “Shanghai Poor” and other newspapers. The defrosting is carried out by a professor, assisted by Zoya Berezkina, whose suicide attempt fifty years ago failed. Prisypkin wakes up and a bug, defrosted with him, crawls from his collar onto the wall. Having discovered that he was caught in 1979, Prisypkin faints.

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The reporter tells listeners that in order to ease the transition period for Prisypkin, doctors ordered him to drink beer (“a mixture that is poisonous in large doses and disgusting in small doses”), and now five hundred and twenty medical laboratory workers who drank this potion are in hospitals. Among those who have heard enough of Prisypkin’s romances, performed by him with a guitar, an epidemic of “falling in love” is spreading: they dance, mutter poetry, sigh, and so on. At this time, a crowd led by the director of the zoological garden catches an escaped bug - a rare specimen of an insect that was extinct and most popular at the beginning of the century.

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In the middle of the zoological garden there is a draped cage on a pedestal, surrounded by musicians and a crowd of spectators. Foreign correspondents, ancient old men and women arrive, and a column of children approaches singing. The director of the zoo in his speech gently reproaches the professor who defrosted Prisypkin for the fact that, guided by external signs, he mistakenly classified him as “homo sapiens” and his highest species - the worker class. In fact, the defrosted mammal is a humanoid malingerer with an almost human appearance, who responded to an announcement given by the director of the zoo: “Based on the principles of the zoo, I am looking for a living human body for constant nibbling and for the maintenance and development of a newly acquired insect in its usual, normal conditions.” Now they are placed in the same cage - “clopus normalis” and “philistines vulgar. Prisypkin hums in a cage.

The problem of philistinism and bureaucracy, which occupied V.V. Mayakovsky throughout his entire work also form the basis of the conflicts of his dramaturgy; in fact, both works are satirical comedies in which the author ridicules the social vices of that time, and in both plays, according to the author’s plan, the present is tested by the future.

How does Mayakovsky translate his idea into his works?

In the play "Bathhouse", unlike "The Bedbug", the actions take place only in the present, that is, there is only one time layer openly present in it. Inventor Chudakov creates a time machine, but cannot get a reception from Pobedonosikov. The third action is worth considering separately. Here the author uses the “play within a play” technique: the characters evaluate themselves, discussing the production, where they are the main characters. Pobedonosikov, of course, does not recognize himself in the mirror of satire. The next act begins a kind of second part of the play. If in “The Bedbug” the hero ends up in the future, then in this comedy it’s the other way around – a messenger from the future, a phosphorescent woman, flies into the present and agrees to take everyone with her. At the same time, she warns that time itself will cut off the ballast. The climax of the play (as in “The Bedbug”) is at the end: after pompous farewell monologues, everyone remains in place. The work ends with a question addressed to everyone at once - including the viewer: “What did you want to say by this - that I don’t seem to be needed for communism?!?”

The plot of the play "Bedbug", as you can see, is ideologically very similar to the plot of "Bath". “Former worker, former party member” Prisypkin (aka Pierre Skripkin) leaves his girlfriend, leaves his friends and wants to marry the NEPman’s daughter, a rich hairdresser. A jilted girl tries to commit suicide; the wedding ends in fire and the death of all the guests. This plot, apparently, symbolizes the lack of a future for the philistinism.

The peculiarity of the composition of this play is that it also has a second plot. It is connected with the first thanks to the heroes, but in a temporal sense - the second action takes place in the future. The experiment to defrost Prisypkin, who found himself in the cellar during the fire and therefore survived, brought many problems in the future. It is here, in the last part dedicated to the future, that the climax of the satire is found - Prisypkin (“philistines vulgaris”) is compared to a bug (“clopus normalis”) that survived after being frozen.

Mayakovsky’s images of the heroes also turned out to be very bright and colorful. His main method of creating images was social typification, that is, the designation in each of a specific social type; already in the lists of characters in “Bath”, the author seems to be “hanging out labels”: Chudakov is an inventor, Momentalnikov is a reporter, Underton is a typist, Pont Kich is a foreigner, etc. In addition, the very names of the heroes, “speaking”, serve as one of the important means of creating images: Pobedonosikov, Chudakov, Optimistenkov, Mezalyansova and others. By the way, the speech of each hero is individualized: someone speaks in poetry, someone pronounces lofty but illogical monologues, someone uses a large number of foreign words. The author himself gives capacious, meaningful characteristics. As already mentioned, in the list of characters, Mayakovsky divides the characters by social types, but, in addition, he gives some short explanations: Pobedonosikov is “the chief supervisor for coordination management, glavnachpups”, Velosipedkin is a “light cavalryman” (helping to identify shortcomings in the work enterprises and institutions). In the play "The Bedbug" the same set of means for characterizing the characters is observed.

"The Bedbug" is full of satire; Mayakovsky believes that the future is possible only if the philistinism is destroyed. A "former worker" who finds himself in the future becomes the cause of an epidemic there. “Pyvatelius vulgaris” turns out to be more terrible than “clopus normalis”, since it infects everyone around with philistinism. He is only worthy of being an exhibit in a zoo, isolated from the public; he is a bearer of such vices as drunkenness, vulgarity, idleness, inherent in the “old” world and impossible in the future. Thus, according to Mayakovsky, progress cannot occur if the vices he ridiculed are present.

"Bath" is also a satirical comedy, its purpose is to attack bureaucracy. The play is replete with bureaucrats, sycophants, and simply incompetent people - but all of them have no place in a bright future, and time discards them like unnecessary ballast. It is noteworthy that it is time - the future - that plays this role, and not its representative - the phosphorus woman. Apparently, Mayakovsky wanted to emphasize that someone specific cannot change the world of his time. That’s why Chudakov, who sincerely wanted to direct the world along the path of progress (after all, he invented a time machine!), fails to change anything. In the play, the exponents of the main ideas are Chudakov, Pobedonosikov and the phosphorescent woman, but above all of them, according to Mayakovsky’s plan, stands time, passing its verdict.

The play takes place in Tambov: the first three paintings - in 1929, the remaining six paintings - in 1979.

Former worker, former party member Ivan Prisypkin, who renamed himself Pierre Skripkin for euphony, is going to marry Elzevira Davidovna Renaissance - a hairdresser's daughter, a hairdresser's cashier and a manicurist. With his future mother-in-law Rosalia Pavlovna, who “needs a professional ticket in the house,” Pierre Skripkin walks around the square in front of a huge department store, buying from hawkers everything he thinks is necessary for a future family life: a toy “dancing people from ballet studios,” a bra, taken by him for a cap for a possible future twins, etc. Oleg Bayan (formerly Bochkin), for fifteen rubles and a bottle of vodka, undertakes to organize a real red labor wedding for Prisypkin - a class, sublime, elegant and delightful celebration. Their conversation about the future wedding is overheard by Zoya Berezkina, a worker and Prisypkin’s former lover. In response to Zoya's puzzling questions, Prisypkin explains that he loves someone else. Zoya is crying.

The inhabitants of the youth workers' hostel discuss Prisypkin's marriage to the hairdresser's daughter and the change of his surname. Many people condemn him, but some understand him - this is not 1919, people want to live for themselves. Bayan teaches Prisypkin good manners: how to dance the foxtrot (“don’t move your lower bust”), how to scratch yourself unnoticed while dancing, and also gives him other useful advice: don’t wear two ties at the same time, don’t wear a starched shirt untucked, etc. Suddenly the sound of a shot is heard - it is Zoya Berezkina who shot herself.

At the wedding of Pierre Skripkin and Elzevira Renaissance, Oleg Bayan makes a solemn speech, then plays the piano, everyone sings and drinks. The best man, defending the dignity of the newlywed, starts quarrel after quarrel, a fight breaks out, the stove overturns, and a fire breaks out. Arriving firefighters are missing one person, the rest all die in the fire.

Fifty years later, at a depth of seven meters, a team digging a trench for the foundation discovers a frozen human figure covered with earth. The Institute of Human Resurrection reports that calluses were found on the hands of an individual, which in the past were a sign of workers. A vote is held among all regions of the federation of the earth, a decision is made by a majority vote: in the name of researching the labor skills of working humanity, the individual is to be resurrected. This individual turns out to be Prisypkin. The entire world press reports with delight about his upcoming resurrection. The news is reported by correspondents of “Chukotskie Izvestia”, “Warshavskaya Komsomolskaya Pravda”, “Izvestia of the Chicago Council”, “Roman Krasnaya Gazeta”, “Shanghai Poor” and other newspapers. The defrosting is carried out by a professor, assisted by Zoya Berezkina, whose suicide attempt fifty years ago failed. Prisypkin wakes up and a bug, defrosted with him, crawls from his collar onto the wall. Having discovered that he was caught in 1979, Prisypkin faints.

The reporter tells listeners that in order to ease the transition period for Prisypkin, doctors ordered him to drink beer (“a mixture that is poisonous in large doses and disgusting in small doses”), and now five hundred and twenty medical laboratory workers who drank this potion are in hospitals. Among those who have heard enough of Prisypkin’s romances, performed by him with a guitar, an epidemic of “falling in love” is spreading: they dance, mutter poetry, sigh, and so on. At this time, a crowd led by the director of the zoological garden catches an escaped bug - a rare specimen of an insect that was extinct and most popular at the beginning of the century.

Under the supervision of a doctor in a clean room on the cleanest bed lies the dirtiest Prisypkin. He asks for a hangover and demands to “freeze him back.” Zoya Berezkina brings several books at his request, but he does not find anything “for the soul”: books are now only scientific and documentary.

In the middle of the zoological garden there is a draped cage on a pedestal, surrounded by musicians and a crowd of spectators. Foreign correspondents, ancient old men and women arrive, and a column of children approaches singing. The director of the zoo in his speech gently reproaches the professor who defrosted Prisypkin for the fact that, guided by external signs, he mistakenly classified him as “homo sapiens” and his highest species - the worker class. In fact, the defrosted mammal is a humanoid malingerer with an almost human appearance, who responded to an announcement given by the director of the zoo: “Based on the principles of the zoo, I am looking for a living human body for constant nibbling and for the maintenance and development of a newly acquired insect in its usual, normal conditions.” Now they are placed in the same cage - “clopus normalis” and “philistines vulgar. Prisypkin hums in a cage. The director, putting on gloves and armed with pistols, takes Prisypkin to the podium. He suddenly sees spectators sitting in the hall and shouts: “Citizens! Brothers! Their! Native! When did you all get unfrozen? Why am I alone in a cage? Why am I suffering? Prisypkin is taken away, the cage is closed.

The theme of the future occupies an important place in the work of V. V. Mayakovsky, especially in works written in the 1920s. It’s not for nothing that he was called an innovative artist and futurist. Both in the pre-revolutionary and post-revolutionary periods, the writer sought to express his enthusiastic ideas and faith in a bright future. He, as a futurist, imagined that in the second half of the 20th century science would make dramatic progress, which is what we see in the play “The Bedbug.”

Denying the historical experience of the past, the author focuses on the foreseeable future and the bourgeois present. What happens in the first three films dates back to 1929. During this period, a former party member and worker named Prisypkin changes his name to a more harmonious version and becomes Pierre Skripkin. In his conversation and behavior one can see the philistine essence of the hero, who decided to become the groom of the daughter of a successful hairdresser named Rosalia Pavlovna.

Mayakovsky evilly ridicules a society in which philistinism flourishes. The image of Prisypkin, who became Skripkin, is completely depicted in a rude, primitive and disgusting way. He turns the inhabitants of the “youth hostel” into observers who see this plot in their own way. Many condemn the hero and his upcoming wedding, some understand, because it’s not 1919, people want to live for themselves. In such statements of the author there is overt satire.

He himself understands that this wedding is ridiculous. The preparations for it are even funnier. Oleg Bayan (formerly Bochkin) teaches the groom good manners. For fifteen rubles and a bottle of vodka, he promises to organize a first-class celebration, which ultimately ends in fire. All the guests die, but Prisypkin somehow remains alive. His frozen body will be discovered fifty years later by people digging a trench for the foundation. And specialists from the Institute of Human Resurrection will be able to bring him to his senses.

Thus, in subsequent films we see how events develop in the future year 1979. Here Mayakovsky acted as an innovator, using elements of fantasy in the description. To begin with, the main character was resurrected in the name of scientific research, then assigned to the class “philistineus vulgaris”, and the bug found on his clothes to the class “clopus normalis”. Prisypkin himself is very worried that he has not paid union dues for fifty years and asks to freeze him back. But it’s too late, he is now an exhibit in the zoological garden, which should become natural food for the bug.

Reading this work, you clearly understand that the author used elements of satire both in describing the present and in describing the future. Moreover, he brought to the fore the fantastic and grotesque-realistic subtext. At the end of the play, we see Prisypkin, resigned to his role, who explodes with a scream at the audience and cannot understand when they were all unfrozen.